intimate

WHAT HAS AGE GOT TO DO WITH THIS?

Age is one of the factors that need to be considered when choosing a life partner especially in this part of the world, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that the success of such a relationship depends on the age factor. If we say age is just a number, we won’t be far from the truth, and if we also say it matters, it’s not false as well. Research shows that women who marrieds men who are a little bit older than them enjoy more tolerance, understanding, and affection from such men, even though this might not be in all cases. Success in marriage depends largely on the level of understanding between couples as well as compatibility, Even if the wife is younger and there’s no understanding, that marriage might crash. Just like I stated earlier, significantly older men tend to be more tolerant and could be more possessive sometimes as well. One cannot state the benefits and disadvantages categorically, but these few are trends that are common to such relationships/marriage: Older men tend to be more tolerance and caring older men tend to be more possessive most time older men/women are more financially stable It’s difficult to command the needed respect to boost a man’s ego from an older woman in most cases There will be serious hurdles to cross in form of friends and family interference. Marrying someone with significant age differences shouldn’t be a big deal, at least it’s not in the developed world, but the fact remains that African has not developed to that level, a lot of people will frown at it and mount pressure that might start choking the relationship/marriage. To enter into this kind of relationship/marriage, there are a few questions one should ask: What is the motive? Are you entering that relationship because you are in love and will like to spend the resort of your life with that man/woman or you are doing it for material gain? If the motive is wrong the marriage will not survive. If the foundation is destroyed, what can anyone do? Are you ready to live with the consequences of your action? If you find yourself in a function where your friends’ spouses are almost their age, will you still be happy to flaunt your partner without feeling ashamed? You must be ready to stand by your decisions and see your choice as the best irrespective of what anyone thinks or says, if not there will be crises. Culturally or religiously speaking, the man remains the head of the family and not the other way round, as a woman, if you are dating or marrying a younger man, are you willing to respect him irrespective? When it comes to the issue of an ideal age gap between partners, there’s no one size fits all, or one age fits all. What works for couple A might not work for couple B, in as much as there is understanding and compatibility age remains a factor. But one should also consider the number of years especially when the older is a woman, 10 years and above might be a way too high even in the developed world, some people will still frown at outrageous age gap in such cases. I always counsel couples in this situation that they should keep their little secret to themselves as much as possible, the fewer people that know about their age differences the better for them. Having a wonderful marriage is not age-dependent though it could be a factor.

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WHY YOU’RE SINGLE AGAINST YOUR WISH

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Introduction: Tongues have started wailing, people are already looking at you whenever you are passing, your parents are on your case, and it’s looking as if singleness is now sickness. You don’t seem to be happy anymore and it’s as if every other good thing in your life does not count, to you, all you need to be fulfilled is to settle down and get a man. You look at yourself in the mirror and spot a small fine line under your eyes, “now I’m having wrinkles” you said to yourself, it’s as if your world has stopped moving, all because you want to change your status from single to married, no thanks to the society we live in. You don’t even care at this point, any man will do for you, you just want to be addressed with the prefix; MRS and that’s all that matters. And for the male folks, probably you get worried when your friend’s children call you ‘uncle’ or whenever your parents call and ask when you are going to give them a grandchild. Maybe, people in your vicinity have started asking questions about your sexuality and you are not comfortable with being single anymore. As a professional counselor and matchmaker, even though I might not be able to understand your feelings, because I’m not in your shoe, I can relate with what you are going through, and experience has thought me that most time, you are the reason why you are still single against your wish. Maybe, just maybe there are things you are not doing rightly, check out these few points, which I think might help you find your feet. 1. Unreasonable expectations: It baffles me when I listen to the criteria some ladies are setting up for their man, he must be tall, dark, handsome, God fairing, caring, loving, well built, straight fingers, clean, blah blah…. It’s good to desire good things, but while desiring all these qualities, it is paramount to understand that nobody is perfect. When people walk into my office for matchmaking and they start listing some unreasonable expectations, I usually make them realize that they should consider the fact that they are not perfect before searching for a perfect spouse. The men these days are not helping matters either, you want a rich girl that can provide for you while you fold your arms, that is trying to change the natural cause of things, and in fact, any marriage built on that will not last. She must be tall, fair, straight legs, big boobs, big ass, etc, stuffs like these are good but shouldn’t be the foundation on which your marriage will be built. When you set expectations that are outrageous for yourself, getting the right person to meet such expectations becomes an issue. So if you feel you should have been married but you are still single against your wish, maybe you need to review your expectations and understand that just the way it is in economics, when it comes to choosing a life partner, there should be a scale of preference, and you must have your opportunity cost and alternative forgone. 2. Overrating yourself: ‘I am so beautiful, I can have any man of my choice, if it doesn’t work out with this one, another guy will always come’…. These are reasons why so many get to the black market before realizing it was too late, you need to understand the Yoruba adage that says “ile obinrin kinpesu”, meaning that it’s advisable for young ladies to make hay while the sun shines. Some men also feel they are the all in all, after all, I’m so handsome, I have a good job, and I can get any lady I want, this can keep you unnecessarily single than usual. Do not overrate yourself and lose a good man/woman; a mistake that that is keeping so many singles in their parents’ home to date. 3. Spiritual confusion: ‘I don’t love him, but God says I should marry him. I remember counseling a 40 years old successful career woman, she actually came to my office to register for matchmaking, her excuse for getting married late was that God chose for her a man he felt nothing for and told her not to marry the man she cared about. I told her, this is not possible because God is not an author of confusion. When it comes to the issue of whom to marry, apart from the leading of the Holy Spirit, you are totally responsible for your action. This is not the time of Adam and Eve when Adam complained to God that he was misled by the woman He gave to him, today you can’t shift the blame on God or anyone, you will face the consequences of your action, that is why the word of God says he that finds a wife finds a good thing, you must do the finding with the help of Holy Spirit to obtain the favor that follows. Do not get caught up in the web of spiritual confusion, if not you will be 40 before you realize what is going on. It is good to seek the face of God and the leading of the Holy Spirit, but running from pillar to post in the name of spiritual guidance will tie you down unnecessarily. 4. Unsociable temperamental: Human beings are different and a lot of factors affect who we individually turn out to be. Cultural factors, genes, upbringing, spiritual influence, social factors, all contribute to whom we will turn out to be. A lot of people has a very phlegmatic nature and this makes them find it difficult to relate well with people, especially the opposite sex, these set of people will never fight for what they love even when they are dying to have it. For some it could be the spiritual background, in fact, some consider it a sin relating or talking with the opposite sex, and by

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POSSIBLE REASONS YOU COULD BE STRUGGLING WITH MONOGAMY

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It is always said that men are polygamous in nature, a myth that most people have come to believe and adapted as their reality. According to research, there are more than fifty (50) different types of non-monogamous relationships being practiced, a situation where people could choose to be in a relationship with more than one partner. Such as being in a financial relationship with one partner, in an emotional relationship with another, and in a sexual relationship with another. Whereas there are set boundaries, all partners involved are aware and have an understanding of what they are getting into. The point here is that it’s okay if you don’t want to be in a monogamous relationship, but if you want to be there, then there’s a need to be sure of what you are going into and be ready to stick it out. Unfortunately, this is not our reality; people go into monogamous relationships believing that it is impossible to be monogamous, which sounds like deceit, and the reason I think the majority struggle with being in one partner. A lot of people are frustrated and stuck in a bad relationship in the name of being monogamous. Maybe if we understand monogamy better, it will help us to do better. Here are some possible reasons you could be struggling with monogamy? Wrong conditioning in parenting style: A situation where children are trained that the yardstick for success is only attached to marriage. For instance, in the African setu,p especially for women. Where she’s seen as a failure when unmarried, even if she is successful in other areas of her life. This culture makes unmarried females feel unsuccessful if they are unmarried. Even the men are termed failures and irresponsible when not married or have a woman in their lives. With this conditioning, people go into monogamy trying to please people, trying to follow the set rules and standards, a mindset that could lead to struggling to keep up with the demands of what they are not ready or prepared for. Normalizing jealousy as the indicator of love: We tend to make it look as if the moment we enter monogamy, we own the other person, such that we have to dictate where, when, or how the person moves or functions. When excessive jealousy is normalized, then the people begin to struggle as a result of not being allowed to be themselves. In most cases, to avoid confrontations or altercations with other people, people tend to lose their personality, for example, keeping up to avoid confrontations between partners and maybe a co-worker, a salesperson, a friend, etc. This will result in unfulfillment, and tension could set in. Thinking it is impossible to get attracted to anyone else because you are intensely in love: People put pressure on monogamy, and therefore struggle through it because they consider it impossible to get attracted to another person just because they are already in love with someone. A man could have an erection after seeing a beautiful lady, even when he’s in love and in a monogamous relationship with his partner, but it does not mean he needs to act on it. Blaming oneself for feelings of being attracted to another is an unnecessary expectations that mount pressures on monogamy, as a human, you can get attracted to another. It is okay to be in a relationship or marriage and still be attracted to another person; you do not have to act on the attraction. Expecting one person to meet all your needs: Be it spiritual, emotional, sexual, personal, or the need for intimacy, expecting only one person to meet all your needs will only lead to exhaustion and thereby struggles. It is okay to have friends who could be of the same sex or opposite sex, depending on what you can handle, as long as you know when and where to draw the boundaries. Human beings are social beings in the first place, and therefore need other people to function optimally. There’s a need to relate to others and make friends. Free yourself; marriage is not bondage. We have misunderstood monogamy to the extent that people mount unnecessary pressures on their relationship by taking too much from just one person, leading to struggle and frustration. Monogamy is not the problem, but the unreasonable expectations. Believing that it is impossible to cheat: Some believe that because you are in a monogamous relationship, you cannot cheat. Thereby setting unnecessary standards. As much as there’s no excuse for cheating in a committed relationship, believing that you are automatically immune to cheating is unreasonable. Not having a life: This is very similar to point number four above; not having a life outside one’s monogamous relationship can put a strain on the relationship. There’s a need to have dreams, aspirations, ambitions, there’sa need to define your individuality in a couple relationship, most people fail to do this, thereby demanding too much. Even if one chooses to be a stay-at-home mum/dad, there’s still a need to have a life purpose outside marriage. Overrating marriage as a lifetime medal could lead to a struggle in a monogamous relationship. Believing that your value is the value your partner places on you: Not being able to determine individual values could cause inner conflicts for someone in a monogamous relationship. No single individual is value-neutral; there’s a need to understand that the parties in a monogamous relationship are individuals from different backgrounds. You cannot afford to ascribe to yourself only the value ascribed by your partner. Find yourself. Who are you? Only then can you find stability in your monogamous relationship. Believing that love is all that matters: Love matters, but it’s not all that matters. Going into a monogamous relationship just because you are in love will lead to struggles. There’s a need for compatibility in other areas of your lives. Do you have common goals, enjoy common recreations, etc.? Coming up with statements like, “if our love is strong, it is

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HOW TO KNOW IF SOMEONE IS INTO YOU

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People tend to walk into my office asking questions like ‘Dr. Tolu how do I know if my partner loves me?’ or perhaps you are one that likes to keep your money away from your partner especially from men to women saying you will like to test her and be sure she doesn’t love you because of money. All these and many more do not guarantee someone’s love for you. The first thing I tell people is that for you to even ask that question in the first place, is a red flag; for you to be bothered, unsure or confused, you have already gotten your answer. The answer is “NO”. If someone loves you, you would not need to ask and for women that mostly ask me, I tell them that for men that are in love it is even more intense because they find it hard to hide their feelings unlike women even though they are more emotional. If someone loves you and you love someone, you will find peace; you won’t be worried or restless. For instance, you are asked “Jane, what are you doing with Kingsley” your answer will always move towards positivity if you love him and you know that he loves you unlike your answer coming off like “Errrrm…., I’m not so sure what I’m doing with him”. When you love someone and vice versa, you will feel loved, cared for, and at peace, he/she wants to know that you are fine, you will feel safe, whatever makes you unhappy becomes their problem also. Finally, I am sure you know the signs, you are aware when somebody doesn’t love you, you know when this person treats you like garbage, you know when this person makes you feel worthless. I understand love sometimes can make you feel helpless but it never takes away the ability for you to be logical, for you to speak to yourself, for you to boldly say to yourself that you deserve better. Nobody deserves to be treated lesser than a human. Putting love aside, even outside a relationship, if you allow yourself to be treated lesser, it says a lot about your Self Esteem, it says a lot about your self-worth also, about you feeling like you don’t deserve better. No one is going to see you better than you see yourself. So you will ask me “Dr. Tolu how do I know if this person loves me?” and this is what I’ll tell you, a lot of times you know when someone cares about you, you will see the signs. The only question you need to ask yourself is ‘Who am I and what do I deserve?”. Are you in a state of confusion in your relationship? Get clarification here

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SEXUAL DYSFUNCTION

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SEXUAL DYSFUNCTION: It is the consistent, recurring difficulty experienced by an individual during any phase of the sexual cycle that prevents the individual or couple from experiencing satisfaction from the sexual activity. In other words, when anything hinders an individual from experiencing full sexual satisfaction, is a form of sexual dysfunction. A condition is said to be a dysfunction when it has been going on consistently for six months and also affects one’s functionality, productivity, performance, relationship, and self-esteem causing a form of distress. Research has it that 43% of women and 31% of men have some degree of sexual dysfunction. PHASES OF SEXUAL CYCLE INCLUDE; -Desire Phase, -Arousal Phase, -Climax Phase, -Resolution Phase. DESIRE: To have intercourse the first thing that happens is to have the desire. The desire to get down and have the feeling to have sex with one’s partner. For a lot of people, this is the stage of their dysfunction. AROUSAL: This is the point where an individual is touched, told something sweet and romantic to get the individual horny, wet, excited. If such an individual doesn’t experience any of these then the dysfunction is at the arousal phase. CLIMAX: When men experience a delay in ejaculation and women can’t reach orgasm then there’s a dysfunction at the climax phase. RESOLUTION: When there is a feeling of inadequacy after an act of lovemaking, such as the man sleeping off immediately after the sexual act. Most dysfunction is rooted in our cognitive background mostly from childhood because sex actually starts from the mind and when the mind is attacked the genitals respond in like manner. TYPES OF SEXUAL DYSFUNCTION -Gender dysphoria (gender identity disorder), -Sexual disorder, -Paraphilic disorder. GENDER DYSPHORIA: This is a kind of disorder, distress, the difficulty experienced by individuals where their biological assign sex does not align with their gender identity. In other words, these are people that feel they are trapped in another person’s body. For example, someone who has a vagina might feel like a man who is been trapped in a female body. People with gender dysphoria have about 71% chances of developing other forms of disorder if not treated or attended to. Research also shows that it is more common in boys than in girls and it starts to manifest at age four (4). Though it doesn’t need to affect individual sexual identity, in a lot of cases it affects their choice of partner. CAUSES OF GENDER DYSPHORIA; COGNITIVE: This has to do with the individual thought pattern. PSYCHOSOCIAL: This is a result of nurturing; societal conditioning, parental upbringing. BIOLOGICAL: Occurs as a result of a mother’s exposure to certain medication that produces certain hormones. There is also a school of thought that believes it can be hereditary and, that some genetic association can be responsible. One other factor responsible for gender dysphoria is when a mother is expecting a particular gender and gives birth to another. This very common among men when the mother is actually expecting a female child. Gender dysphoria manifest in children they are constantly saying they are the opposite gender even though they have the physical trait of another as their biological assign gender. They also start preferring friends of the opposite gender reject clothes, toys and can go as far as wanting to get rid of their genitals, and with all of this happening it can cause them to experience a lot of distress as they grow into puberty. In adults, they begin to feel that their true identity, who they think they are, is not aligning with who they are biological. Some begin to build disgust with their genitals such that they don’t feel like showering, changing their clothes, having sex, or even touching their genitals. For someone with gender dysphoria talking to a counselor, sex therapist, psychologist or psychiatrist is a form of treatment even though the purpose is not to change the person but to address the mental issue the condition could have caused for the individual. SEXUAL DISORDERS: This is defined as a group of dysfunction caused by a person’s inability to fully engage and derive pleasure from sex. TYPES OF SEXUAL DISORDERS -Male hypoactive sexual desire disorder (HSDD) and female interest/female arousal disorder, -erectile disorder, -premature ejaculation, -delayed ejaculation and, -female orgasmic or orgasmia disorder. MALE HYPOACTIVE SEXUAL DESIRE DISORDER (HSDD) AND FEMALE INTEREST/FEMALE AROUSAL DISORDER: This is a kind of disorder characterized by a lack of reduced interest in sexual activity as well as a significant reduction of sexual thoughts. A man with HSDD doesn’t think about sex often, doesn’t show interest in sex. According to statistics done in the United States of America, approximately fifteen percent (15%) of adult males are expected to have sexual disorders. Any individual with hypoactive sexual disorder (HSDD) will have a low sexual drive, delay in frequency, or access to orgasm during sexual activities; they also have the tendency for premature ejaculation. CAUSES OF HSDD BOTH IN MALE AND FEMALE: BIOLOGICAL; includes the breakdown of the nervous system and also of the vascular system, low level of testosterone, heavy alcohol consumption, depression, very heavy smoking, reaction to certain medications. For women, it could be a sign of menopause. PSYCHOLOGICAL; could include early childhood introduction to the topic of sex as a negative thing thereby conditioning the mind of the child until adulthood, sexual abuse, religious belief, relationship problems which could lead to anxiety and poor communication. Other causes could be a result of mental health disorder, low physiological arousal, stress, and exhaustion. SOLUTIONS: Majorly talk to a medical doctor, a gynecologist who could do hormonal procedures, or a neurologist. if there is an underlining psychiatric issue also a psychiatrist who is a medical doctor will be of immense help. The need for a psychotherapist like a sex therapist or counselor is also important. Need to book an appointment with a professional Sex Therapist? Click HERE

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50 FUN FACTS ABOUT KISSING

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Kissing can make or mar your relationship/marriage Most of the big issues couples are struggling with in their marriages started with just a little act of ignorance. marriage can be full of nagging and turbulence because a poor kisser marries a good kisser- Kissing is not the only step during the act of lovemaking Women does not speedily build up romantic emotions till it reaches the peak call orgasm breach of love making process can reduce a woman eagerness for love making within a second. A woman who knows her onions in the act of kissing will never enjoy sex with a bad kisser. A sexually frustrated woman can not make a good marriage. A bad kisser is a turn off and a minus to the level of expected ecstasy. Kissing is romantic because it can be expressed both openly and in private It’s possible to ejaculate through kissing. People also kiss to show respect According to Ernest Crawley A kiss is a universal expression of affection and veneration of the higher social class people. A kiss can be placed on any part of the body, but could smear trouble if placed wrongly. The nip kiss is an open mouthed kiss that incorporates the tongue just like the French kiss. You should not try a French kiss on someone you just met without crosschecking with them. You burn 20 to 30 calories after kissing for one minute. 30 Facial Muscles is the number of facial muscles utilised while kissing. When words can’t express how you feel, always seal it with a kiss. It is believed that women has two types of lips, the top lips and the bottom lips which is the labia How good you are in working on the top lips of a woman has alot to do with how far you will/can go with the bottom. The sensational effect you are able to generate with the upper lips determines the kind of respond you get from the bottom. The experience of a memorable and perfect first kiss with your beau does not really fade away. Having too many questions of how to get it right, in mind during kissing tend to make the kisser very anxious. In order to achieve the perfection of this first kiss, you must maintain your calmness. The slower a kiss is, the hotter it is. In order for a kiss to be fun, it should be similar to a sluggish traffic. It is better not to ask for a kiss, rather warm your way to achieving the gesture. Closing your eyes during kissing will allow you to savor every moment and get connected in your mind and even your soul. Nature obeys the law of passion. Talking is not a good way to relate during the art of kissing. Too much saliva is a turn off during kissing. Kissing someone with fresh breath is always a prelude to more passionate things to come. During the act of passionate kiss, it is important not to concentrate solely on the lips. A Goodbye kiss could save your partner from temptation when he/she is alone. Kiss on the ground is practiced by Africans. 31.3 hours was the longest recorded time for kissing, set in 2004 by an Italian couple. Kissing in an unfamiliar place to make kissing more exciting is called destination kissing. When your kissing lacks sensual feelings, it might become ordinary and your partner might not be sure that you mean it. Small amounts of the male sex hormone, testosterone, are in a man’s saliva. If a man kisses the same woman over weeks and months, it can automatically make her more receptive to sex. Kissing game could also be used as an opportunity you have been dreaming about to kiss a longtime crush. A kiss could be an expression of gratefulness, celebration, or even grief. A kiss can help give a strong heart, smooth our skin. In addition, relieve pain and avoid infections. Kissing could be a form of diet. The biggest and most romantic kissfest sponsored by Unilever toothpaste in the Philippines is called Lovapalooza. According to statistics, a goodbye kiss before going out of the house can increase your lifespan. A study found that 66 percent of women and 59 percent of men say that the quality of the first kiss can kill a relationship. In anticipation for a passionate kiss, you need to intimately gaze into your partners eyes before you start kissing at all. As you’re moving in, you ned to lean towards your partner and bend your head so that your lips are lined up with your partners.

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I CHOOSE TO WRITE ABOUT VEE

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#BBNAIJA is a very psychological show, I watch mostly to study the power play and interrelationship dynamics (Laycon changed that this year, though). Being a housemate requires a high level of emotional intelligence and effective cognitive skills. Some are lucky to be equipped with these skills during childhood. Let me explain… How do you explain telling a child to eat the food presented to her at a function, then beat her up while getting home for not getting the signal that she wasn’t meant to eat 🤷‍♀️ A highly confusing parenting style where a child does not know what to expect. You tell a child to tell a visitor that you aren’t at home and beat her up for telling the visitor you said you aren’t at home. A child gets punished for not lying and you expect the child to be truthful🤷‍♀️forgetting that behaviors are learned. She has so many unanswered questions, yet she dare not ask because you don’t question an adult as a child, you just obeyed. The next time she was being molested, you asked why she didn’t complain, she gets more confused because you already told her not to question an adult. He played with his ‘peepee’ while sucking his tongue, your only explanation is a dirty slap, he gets more confused… Why do I get slapped for something so sweet.? Yet no further explanation. We were trained to keep quiet even when we are being hurt, and conditioned to be hypocritical in the name of being polite. We were also cultured to pretend in order to make other people feel good, even while dying in silence. We can still uphold our culture and bring forth balanced children. The children we tagged “wayward” invented almost everything we use in bringing up an African child. The reasons are simple; confidence upheld, self-esteem encouraged and self-expression allowed. Most times, the African parenting style erodes a child’s confidence and self-esteem and intimidate him until his creativity goes into extinction. People will rather be lied to than be told the truth. This explains the current relationship problems with most couples. Conspiracy of silence! If you don’t follow the norms you will be tagged the odd one out. Vee’s only offense was to fall in the “wayward” children category. Speak her truth irrespective, truthful about her feelings no matter what anyone says. Bold, genuine, and confident with very high self-esteem. I choose to write about Vee! People Tag her bitter because they can’t understand her ways. She says it the way it is and gives facial expressions where words are scarce. Forgive us, Vee, we are not wired that way! A word of advice though, don’t stop being yourself.

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HOW TO HAVE A BETTER SEX LIFE

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Intimate relationships are part of human existence, it has to be taken seriously, it could make or mar you, and of course, sex is a very integral part of relationships, because as humans we are all sexual beings. We should understand that it takes two to make love, when couples come to the lovemaking table with the mindset that they want to satisfy each other rather than satisfy themselves, or they want to give rather than receive, a lot of energy generates, It takes two to make love, this is what most people fail to understand, most people are very selfish when it comes to lovemaking, they only care about satisfying themselves. Having a good sex life with your partner means you would need to stop personalizing sex. The following are steps that would aid a better sex life: Avoid body shaming yourself or your partner: This is common among women suffering from Postpartum depression; they look at their body, seeing all the extra skin gained as a result of childbirth, they start to think they are not as beautiful as they use to be, this is one of the triggers of depression for women during the postnatal stage, sex is definitely going to die if you don’t go in with all boldness, confidence and high self-esteem. You should understand that sex is not so much about physique, the effectiveness of your skills rates higher than your body structure or size of genitals. You must understand that you are not the most beautiful or complete human to ever exist, this is why you must always do daily self-appreciation; appreciate your looks, your body, etc., and understand that anyone would be lucky to have you. Just as Men shouldn’t body shame their partners, women should also understand that this is extra sensitive for men, The male sexuality is attached to his ego, The more you belittle your man’s sexual performance, the more he loses his self-esteem and at the same time his sexual groove. Be open about your sexual needs: Couples should learn to be open, help your partner understand your sexual likes and dislikes, stylishly let them know when they touch you in wrong places, affirm with your expressions when they are getting it right, if you have hidden desire, fantasies, or kinks your partner is the best person to share these desires with, silence is a big hindrance to sexual satisfaction, you should help you partner understand your body. Take the children off your mind for a moment: You have to let the kids be, don’t worry about the kids for once, you must understand that there was once a wife/husband before the kids came into existence, if you want to have a better sex life, there is no need to have your child sleeping on your bed, it would definitely have an impact on your sex life, don’t get used to the child wanting to sleep beside you. Your sex life doesn’t need to drop because you start having kids, you should be able to balance the entire situation. Practice touching: Touching is very powerful and couples should learn to engage in this, touching, in this case, could be sexual or non-sexual, it creates an amazing rapport between couples and make them more spontaneous towards each other, it removes the boundaries between couples and above all it builds intimacy, you should understand lovemaking doesn’t start at the point of making love, it starts from how you relate with each other, you should get use to the public display of affection, this kind of gestures are highly linked with the act of lovemaking, it creates an amazing atmosphere and makes things easy when you are ready to engage in intercourse, In most cases, if you don’t establish touching in your relationship, things become really weird when it’s time for sex. Connect emotionally: According to research married couples have more fulfilling sex life than their single counterpart, this is not far from the fact that they are more connected emotionally when you are emotionally connected to someone it spices up lovemaking, it takes intercourse to another level, lovemaking is different when you love someone, it becomes more intense and fulfilling. Prepare your partners mind: you need to get used to preparing your mind and your partner’s mind in a sexy way; this could be done through so many means, for example, sending your partner nudes, sexy mails, text messages, and random chats, this, in turn, would set in the mood for explosive sensational lovemaking. Use lubricants: This should be made handy if you want to be sexually active, this would be the best solution to vagina dryness, naturally, every woman is able to secrete vagina juice/lubricant during sex, vagina dryness could be as a result of so many factors, varies from the rounds of sex, psychological factor, medical issues and the age of the woman. Be creative: You have to be spontaneous, you need to reinvent things, you don’t have to keep making love on the bed, or doing the same routines all the time when it comes to sexual positions, there’s a need to be creative when it comes to lovemaking, try new things, have shower sex, e.t.c. Kiss as much as possible: So many couples have a problem kissing, you should understand that scientifically there are hormones that are released to your system during kissing, kissing generates a high level vulnerability, it puts you in a level where you just want to let go of your guards, kissing is extremely intimate and it is important for better sex life. Schedule sex, if you have to: If sex is too complicated in your relationship, complications which arise from a busy work schedule, no one wants to make the first move, shyness e.t.c, there is nothing wrong with scheduled sex if you fall under the above categories, you have to sit down with your partner and discuss when sex could be appropriate for both parties, this schedule would continue

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“I-DO-DO”

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24 HOURS WITH THE FIXER, A VALENTINE COUPLES GETAWAY PACKAGE As the foremost clinical counseling and sex therapy clinic in Nigeria, every year, the Intimacy clinic usually put together a specialized unforgettable valentine package for couples. This is a therapeutic rejuvenating event for those who want to love and be loved in return, amazing experiences that will help you rekindle the flames of love. Intimacy Clinic is specially inviting you and your partner to our yearly exclusive and unforgettable 24 hours lifetime experience with The Fixer. Have unforgettable Romantic moments of your life with your partner as The Fixer takes you through a SEXTACULAR & INTIMATE 24 hours journey. Date: 13th-14th of February 2021 Time: 11 am to 12noon Venue: To be disclosed only to registrants. Activities of event: UNBUTTON- Here The Fixer will guide you to reveal those things that have been serving as stumbling blocks in your marriage but you do not know how to tell your partner. SWIMMING TIME: You are expected to come with your swimwear as couples will have time to swim together in a romantic mood. COUPLES DANCE: Remember when you were dating and you use to get lost in each other’s arm while dancing to blues? Here is your opportunity to bring back the spark. KISSING RENEWAL: When was the last time you kissed as couples, Join this event and Watch The Fixer teach you how to have an unforgettable kiss with your spirit, soul, and body. SEX TALK: You know no one does this better than the fixer. Here you can say goodbye to all your sexual worries. COUPLES GAMES: We have lined up a lot of games that will help you to rekindle the flame of love, with special emphasis on SENSATE-FOCUS. COUPLES SPA & MASSAGE: Have a romantic time of your life with your partner in a specialized couples spa and massage session. PERSONALIZED VOW RENEWAL: Get a lifetime opportunity to toast your partner all over again. COMEDY & MUSIC: We have invited the best hands in the field of music and comedy to give you an unforgettable treat. COUPLES DINNER: ROMANTIC THREE COURSE DINNER -ETC. A hard copy of the invitation card and a detailed program of the event will be delivered to you as soon as payment is confirmed. Remember, apart from the lined-up activities and goodies bags made just for you, fees also cover feeding and accommodation throughout your stay. Kindly make payment not later than the 10th of January 2021, and send the evidence of payment to admin@intimacyclinic.org or +2348184575377 (WhatsApp). INQUIRIES: +2348184575377

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SEXUAL ORIENTATION & GENDER IDENTITY

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GENDER AND SEX Generally, what comes to people’s minds when they are attributing meaning to the word ‘gender’ is sex (male and female). Sex and gender are two different concepts and mean different things. Sex is the physical, biological, natural and physical difference between women and men. Gender refers to the social and psychological dimension of being female or male. It refers to whether people are born female or male. Gender is the expectations people have from someone or society because they are female or male. Usually, attitudes and behaviors attributed to gender are learned from the society and the concept can change over time. GENDER AND SEXUAL IDENTITY Often time, people usually misunderstood gender identity and sexual identity. Sexual orientation is an inherent or immutable enduring emotional, romantic, or sexual attraction to other people. While Gender Identity is one’s innermost concept of self as male, female, a blend of both or neither – how individuals perceive themselves and what they call themselves. One’s gender identity can be the same or different from their sex assigned at birth. TERMS & TERMINOLOGIES Gender – denotes the public (and usually legally recognized) lived role as boy or girl, man or woman. Biological factors combined with social and psychological factors contribute to gender development. Assigned gender – refers to a person’s initial assignment as male or female at birth. It is based on the child’s genitalia and other visible physical sex characteristics. Gender-atypical – refers to physical features or behaviors that are not typical of individuals of the same assigned gender in a given society. Gender-nonconforming – refers to behaviors that are not typical of individuals with the same assigned gender in a given society. Gender reassignment – denotes an official (and usually legal) change of gender. Gender identity – is a category of social identity and refers to an individual’s identification as male, female, or, occasionally, some category other than male or female. It is one’s deeply held core sense of being male, female, some of both or neither, and does not always correspond to biological sex. Gender dysphoria – as a general descriptive term refers to an individual’s discontent with the assigned gender. It is more specifically defined when used as a diagnosis. Transgender – refers to the broad spectrum of individuals who transiently or persistently identify with a gender different from their gender at birth. (Note: the term transgendered is not generally used.) Transsexual – refers to an individual who seeks, or has undergone, a social transition from male to female or female to male. In many, but not all, cases this also involves a physical transition through cross-sex hormone treatment and genital surgery (sex reassignment surgery). Genderqueer – blurring the lines around gender identity and sexual orientation. Genderqueer individuals typically embrace a fluidity of gender identity and sometimes sexual orientation. Gender fluidity – having different gender identities at different times. Agendered – ‘without gender,’ individuals identifying as having no gender identity. Cisgender – describes individuals whose gender identity or expression aligns with the sex assigned to them at birth. Gender expansiveness – conveys a wider, more flexible range of gender identity and/or expression than typically associated with the binary gender system. Gender expression – the manner in which a person communicates about gender to others through external means such as clothing, appearance, or mannerisms. This communication may be conscious or subconscious and may or may not reflect their gender identity or sexual orientation. The following are the 58 gender options identified by ABC News: Agender Androgyne Androgynous Bigender Cis Cisgender Cis Female Cis Male Cis Man Cis Woman Cisgender Female Cisgender Male Cisgender Man Cisgender Woman Female to Male FTM Gender Fluid Gender Nonconforming Gender Questioning Gender Variant Genderqueer Intersex Male to Female MTF Neither Neutrois Non-binary Other Pangender Trans Trans* Trans Female Trans* Female Trans Male Trans* Male Trans Man Trans* Man Trans Person Trans* Person Trans Woman Trans* Woman Transfeminine Transgender Transgender Female Transgender Male Transgender Man Transgender Person Transgender Woman Transmasculine Transsexual Transsexual Female Transsexual Male Transsexual Man Transsexual Person Transsexual Woman Two-Spirit SEXUAL IDENTITY Lesbian- Broadly and historically speaking, “lesbian” has been defined as a woman who is attracted to other women. Bisexual- LeClaire defines bisexuality as an attraction to more than one gender. While the prefix “bi” means two, LeClaire said that modern understanding of bisexuality encompasses attraction to more than just two genders. Pansexual- Pansexuality and bisexuality can often be used interchangeably. Merriam-Webster defines pansexuality as “of, relating to, or characterized by sexual desire or attraction that is not limited to people of particular gender identity or sexual orientation.” “Some people also like to differentiate pansexuality as meaning that you don’t really see gender or that doesn’t even play even as a slight role in your sexual attraction,” LeClaire said. “I think everyone kind of defines that for themselves, really.” Gay- Historically, gay is used for men who are attracted to men. Asexual- The term “asexual” broadly refers to someone who doesn’t experience sexual attraction or desire for sex. Demisexual,- which also refers to conditional sexual attraction, generally to someone the individual knows very well. “You have developed a rapport with them, you’ve developed maybe like a loving friendship and you tend to only feel sexual attraction under those conditions,” LeClaire said. Allosexual- Allosexuality is the converse of asexuality; it means you have sexual attraction and desire sex, Heterosexuality- is often known as being “straight.” The LGBTQIA Resource Center at UC Davis defines heterosexuality as a “sexual orientation in which a person feels physically and emotionally attracted to people of a gender other than their own.” Monosexual- Monosexuality is the attraction to one gender. Lesbian or gay can fall under this category, according. People who identify as exclusively heterosexual can also be considered monosexual, as they are attracted to one gender. Polysexual- Polysexuality means to be attracted to many different types of genders, but not all genders, according to Robinson. Queer- Queer is a catchall term that encompasses any identity outside of

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