WHY YOU’RE SINGLE AGAINST YOUR WISH

Introduction:
Tongues have started wailing, people are already looking at you whenever you are passing, your parents are on your case, and it’s looking as if singleness is now sickness. You don’t seem to be happy anymore and it’s as if every other good thing in your life does not count, to you, all you need to be fulfilled is to settle down and get a man. You look at yourself in the mirror and spot a small fine line under your eyes, “now I’m having wrinkles” you said to yourself, it’s as if your world has stopped moving, all because you want to change your status from single to married, no thanks to the society we live in. You don’t even care at this point, any man will do for you, you just want to be addressed with the prefix; MRS and that’s all that matters.

And for the male folks, probably you get worried when your friend’s children call you ‘uncle’ or whenever your parents call and ask when you are going to give them a grandchild. Maybe, people in your vicinity have started asking questions about your sexuality and you are not comfortable with being single anymore.

As a professional counselor and matchmaker, even though I might not be able to understand your feelings, because I’m not in your shoe, I can relate with what you are going through, and experience has thought me that most time, you are the reason why you are still single against your wish. Maybe, just maybe there are things you are not doing rightly, check out these few points, which I think might help you find your feet.

1. Unreasonable expectations:
It baffles me when I listen to the criteria some ladies are setting up for their man, he must be tall, dark, handsome, God fairing, caring, loving, well built, straight fingers, clean, blah blah…. It’s good to desire good things, but while desiring all these qualities, it is paramount to understand that nobody is perfect. When people walk into my office for matchmaking and they start listing some unreasonable expectations, I usually make them realize that they should consider the fact that they are not perfect before searching for a perfect spouse.
The men these days are not helping matters either, you want a rich girl that can provide for you while you fold your arms, that is trying to change the natural cause of things, and in fact, any marriage built on that will not last. She must be tall, fair, straight legs, big boobs, big ass, etc, stuffs like these are good but shouldn’t be the foundation on which your marriage will be built.
When you set expectations that are outrageous for yourself, getting the right person to meet such expectations becomes an issue. So if you feel you should have been married but you are still single against your wish, maybe you need to review your expectations and understand that just the way it is in economics, when it comes to choosing a life partner, there should be a scale of preference, and you must have your opportunity cost and alternative forgone.

2. Overrating yourself:
‘I am so beautiful, I can have any man of my choice, if it doesn’t work out with this one, another guy will always come’…. These are reasons why so many get to the black market before realizing it was too late, you need to understand the Yoruba adage that says “ile obinrin kinpesu”, meaning that it’s advisable for young ladies to make hay while the sun shines. Some men also feel they are the all in all, after all, I’m so handsome, I have a good job, and I can get any lady I want, this can keep you unnecessarily single than usual.
Do not overrate yourself and lose a good man/woman; a mistake that that is keeping so many singles in their parents’ home to date.

3. Spiritual confusion:
‘I don’t love him, but God says I should marry him. I remember counseling a 40 years old successful career woman, she actually came to my office to register for matchmaking, her excuse for getting married late was that God chose for her a man he felt nothing for and told her not to marry the man she cared about. I told her, this is not possible because God is not an author of confusion. When it comes to the issue of whom to marry, apart from the leading of the Holy Spirit, you are totally responsible for your action. This is not the time of Adam and Eve when Adam complained to God that he was misled by the woman He gave to him, today you can’t shift the blame on God or anyone, you will face the consequences of your action, that is why the word of God says he that finds a wife finds a good thing, you must do the finding with the help of Holy Spirit to obtain the favor that follows. Do not get caught up in the web of spiritual confusion, if not you will be 40 before you realize what is going on. It is good to seek the face of God and the leading of the Holy Spirit, but running from pillar to post in the name of spiritual guidance will tie you down unnecessarily.

4. Unsociable temperamental:
Human beings are different and a lot of factors affect who we individually turn out to be. Cultural factors, genes, upbringing, spiritual influence, social factors, all contribute to whom we will turn out to be. A lot of people has a very phlegmatic nature and this makes them find it difficult to relate well with people, especially the opposite sex, these set of people will never fight for what they love even when they are dying to have it. For some it could be the spiritual background, in fact, some consider it a sin relating or talking with the opposite sex, and by the time they realize the damage they have done, it might have been too late.

5. Time wasters’ syndrome:
I tell ladies, “if you are with a man for three months and you can’t explain what you are doing in that relationship, get yourself examined, you could be in for a shock”. I have counseled a lady who was cohabiting with a guy all in the name of “about to wed”, she has a good job while the guy was still schooling, for ten years, she was shouldering the responsibility of the would-be marriage, until one day, the guy walked away for no reason, she’s 39 now and still single. Do not allow any man to waste your time at your prime, if you are tied down to an undefined relationship between 20 and 27 years old, settling down becomes an issue. Irresponsible time wasters will keep you on a spot, and move on with his life whenever he wants to without blinking, define your relationship as soon as possible. Ladies always ask me this funny question about how to ask the man where the relationship is heading, won’t he think I’m cheap is always the fear, and you wanna know my answer? What makes you cheap is not the question you asked, it’s your attitude over time in the relationship, if he’s already sleeping with you, you know what to expect, the way you carry yourself and relate with him will be his yardstick to conclude about whom you are and not the question.

6. Career development:
Most people want to become a GM in their office before thinking of marriage, the truth here is that most men are intimidated by successful women. It’s good to have something doing, it’s okay to have dreams and aspirations, very important not to be a liability and also develop yourself, but it becomes a problem when you overdo it. It’s the fact that a lot of things are going to change about you as you climb the ladder of success; in fact, you might develop some traits in the cause of career development that can scare men away from you. For men who believe they can get any woman they want only after they have made all the money, you can’t be farther from the truth. As much as this sounds very difficult to accept, It is better to chase a good woman than chase money, because when you marry the right person, your speed increases, and if you make the mistake of marrying wrongly, you could lose, not just all the money, but your destiny or even your life in the process.

7. Low self-esteem:
Most ladies don’t understand who they are as a woman, you are a special being, wonderfully and beautifully made. The fact that you are female is enough to make your life beautiful, the power you carry as a lady is overwhelming, only if you understand and know how to make the best of it. Being a woman is beautiful, you command influence and make the decision for the highest man in authority, women rule the world and it’s the fact. But if you don’t understand all these, you will be wallowing in the self-pity of “I’m not good enough, my breast is too small, oh! What a flat backside, these pimples are the reason no man is looking at me, oh! I’m too short… blah blah…. Your problem is not who you are but how you see yourself.
This also brings me to self-esteem issues among the male folks, so many men considered themselves not good enough for women, they don’t have the capacity to ask a woman out and this even affects their performances in the bedroom. Men need to understand that it is okay to be rejected, it’s fine for a woman to say no to your advances, if it doesn’t work out with miss A, it can with Miss D. If you don’t garnish yourself with a good dose of self-esteem, the players will take all the good girls you were meant or planning to marry, while you keep wasting time.

8. wrong belief about the population of men/women:
According to (www.geohive.com), men of marriageable age are currently more than women. the reason why it looks as if men are scarce in Nigeria is what I called, economy-induced scarcity of men. If you have this wrong notion of after all women are so many as a man, or men are so scarce as a woman, you will naturally accept defeat when you are not meant to and get delayed unnecessarily.

9. wrong interpretation of the bible
people are too quick to quote Isaiah 4:1- seven-woman, one man. Why not read what God says in chapter 3:25. Chapter one of this Bible passage has been talking about the day of the Lord. This passage didn’t say there were no men, but that, God’s judgment was on the men. Isaiah 3:1-3.

10. Family sacrifice:
As much as I tried to be very professional on this particular point, we can’t run away from the fact that this is Africa, where parents pay educational bills(instead of the government as its being done in the developed worlds), with the expectations that their children will payback. From my experience as a matchmaker, I noticed this is a very common scenario, especially to firstborn of the family, in fact, the known saying about the firstborn finding it difficult to get married might not be far from this issue. [not every problem is spiritual.]. Do you know that the responsibility of taking care of the younger ones always rest on the shoulder of the firstborn? In fact most time he/she will sacrifice the education to take care of the younger ones, some will key into their parent business and get lost inside trying to make money to cater for the rest of the family, by the time most people realize this, it’s always too late, time would have gone before it dawned on them that the younger ones had really moved ahead of them socially, financially, maritally and otherwise.

11. Law of karma: T
his law says whatever you sow you will reap; meaning what goes around comes around. If you make life difficult for people by sleeping with their husband or wives as a single lady/man, it will find a way of coming back to you, especially if the woman/man is the unforgiving type. Some people will go the extra mile to protect their home even if it means cursing the intruders, so you see, this could be the reason you are still single against your wish because you have made life miserable for someone before and she’s taking her pound of flesh. Men that jilt and break people’s hearts.

12. Spiritual issues:
As a professional clinical counselor, attaching spirituality to issues is not accepted, but even though I trained in Europe, I understand the peculiarity of African society that some issues are actually spiritual, so much fetish activities, rituals, and the ancestral agreement could be the reason why some ladies are still single against their wish. Where I have a problem here is the ways and manners young ladies go about seeking spiritual help for husbands, if you are not careful, you will carry more baggage and to your trouble in the quest for help as a result of moving from one spiritualist to the other. Go to a bible believing church and go through a proper deliverance section, not burning candles and engaging in all sorts of spiritual exercises that will cause further damage.

13. Your look:
whether you agree with me or not, men are moved by what they see, and if you don’t understand how to package yourself you will stay long in the singles club.

14. Inability to start small
Waiting till you find a woman/man who is ready-made is usually not easy. Most couples who are rich and happily married today probably started off in a one-bedroom apartment.