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Why Should You See A Sex Therapist?

Have you ever had a problematic intimate experience with your partner? Do you get turned off easily, no matter what you try? Does your partner not find you appealing anymore? If you experience any of these or more, You might need to see a Sex Therapist. Sex is not trivial when it comes to romantic relationships. It is essential to understand that there is so much more to sex than going at it. Couples are usually expected to have a conversation about their intimate lifestyle or ask each other questions. Sex Therapy is a field of Therapy whereby a client or two address and confront emotional, physical, spiritual, and psychological matters in their sexual life or health. A Sex Therapist comes in to listen, guide, and provide plausible solutions to a person or couple’s sex life that may be failing. Sex Therapists are professionally equipped to attend to these matters, mainly to ensure that couples achieve their goals, whether or not it is sexual. It is good to meet with a therapist when dealing with any issue, but when it comes to sex, it is best to meet with a Sex Therapist. This is because Sex Therapists can address Sexual Dysfunctions that basic Therapists, General Practitioners, or Healthcare professionals might be unable to manage. Sexual Dysfunctions are challenges a person or couple may face sexually; it is also prone to cause problems in a couple’s romantic or marital relationship. It could be associated with their sexual, reproductive, or mental health. These factors guarantee a healthy or fulfilling sex life, which couples desire. Some of these Sexual Dysfunctions are: Stress or Excess Fatigue Difficulty with Orgasm Low Self-Esteem/Confidence Poor Sexual drive or desire. Sexual Frustration Sexual Dysfunction Erectile Dysfunction Poor Sexual response Fertility issues Low Libido Sex Addiction What Happens In Sex Therapy? Sex therapy is a type of talk therapy. If they decide to go as partners, the client or clients meet with the Sex Therapist to discuss their sexual challenges or dysfunctions. The Sex Therapist would be the guide to help you achieve your sexual or intimate goals through discussions. These discussions could be centered on the Physical/Sexual or Psychological matter of the client(s). It could also be both of such issues or more. Usually, couples who wish to go into Sex Therapy would have to meet with the Sex Therapist individually before meeting as a couple for a session. This is because the Sex Therapist would need to properly assess the situation with the clients as individuals before they have sessions together. Some clients would prefer to have only individual sessions, but it is advised for such clients to invite their partner, especially if their challenges or case involves or affects their partner. Sex Therapists are professionally trained to assist clients with their feelings and concerns concerning their sexual or psychological challenges. Therefore they have measures, tools, and activities they would give their clients to exercise. Sex Therapists are also disciplined in keeping their sessions confidential. The sessions could last from 30 minutes to 1 hour at most. The sessions could also be as frequent as once a week or twice a month, based on the Sex Therapists conclusion on how regular or not the sessions should be. This is also because clients need time to exercise the activities or recommendations given to them by their Sex Therapist for progress. There are also cases where clients need to see a Sex Therapist based on Sexual Trauma that tends to cause some of their Sexual Dysfunctions. Sexual Trauma can be described as the victimization of an individual by Sexual Assault, Violence, Rape, or Abuse. These Sexual traumas can affect the performance of a client physically, sexually, and psychologically, hence the need to visit a Sex Therapist. There are many other issues that clients experience that are specifically for the attention of a Sex Therapist. Whatever the situation you may have, Sexually or Psychologically, Sex Therapists are available to help address the challenges and improve the situation. Visit or Contact Intimacy Clinic today! HERE. To get certified as a sex therapist, visit: HERE.

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Communication in Relationships

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Communication is the ability to express yourself, verbally or non-verbally, to other people. Communication is a social skill, and interpersonal relationships are used to interact with others. Communication is one of the most critical needs and priorities in a relationship. Based on how it is done, it can also positively or negatively impact a relationship and the people involved. Nothing is like having a beautiful and healthy relationship if you cannot communicate. Communication works in various ways, particularly for the individual doing it. This simply means the individual has their way of communication, either by words or actions. We all communicate expressively through our facial expressions, gestures, body language, behavior, tone of voice, actions, etcetera. These words and actions also have a foundation, the thought or feeling that would prompt the words or actions that are later projected. For relationships, there is also an intention behind communication, and one of the best things is consciously learning more about one another. This establishes a connection and builds a bond, trust, openness, honesty, and understanding of persons, emotions, and goals. Communication works in two ways: like that of a telephone, there is a sender and a receiver. Couples can switch these roles for the connection they have and desire to build. Communication in Relationships is not always perfect or smooth. Sometimes there have to be disagreements to come to an understanding and resolve issues between one another. Therefore, for a progressive and long-lasting relationship, couples should learn to consciously communicate with one another, regardless of how difficult the situation may be. Signs of Poor Communication in Relationships: Stonewalling or Silent Treatment Passive Aggression Disregarding effort: avoiding or refusing to have a conversation or connection Unnecessary and unresolved Arguments Sarcasm Blaming one another or accusations Mocking or criticizing one another Defensiveness Holding grudges Bringing up the past Impatience in having a conversation or connection Tips to Improve Communication in Relationships Deep down, people want to improve their communication with their partner, despite what may have caused a rift or awkwardness in the relationship. So here are a few healthy tips to try: Understand your communication and attachment style Calmly process your Emotions Make an effort; do not hesitate Learn to be observant; acknowledge your partner’s feelings too Listen more; do not dominate in the conversation Ask questions, find out what is different and how you can improve too Be honest about your feelings Come to a compromise; set new goals Be more thoughtful; check on each other, and be sweet and caring Set reasonable and agreeable boundaries Conclusion Giving up on a core foundation for a healthy and successful relationship with your partner is not advisable. Making the most effort to grow would produce positive results. If you could start making use of the tips above, it would most likely prompt your partner to respond positively. Still unsure about the possibility of a healthy relationship with your partner? Contact and visit the Intimacy Clinic today. References: Earnshaw, Elizabeth. 2020. How Lack Of Communication Can Sneakily Ruin Relationships & How To Fix It. https://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-14106/5-communication-mistakes-that-kill-relationships.html. Mind Body Green. Lamothe, Cindy. 2019. Talk It Out: Communication 101 for Couples. https://www.healthline.com/health/lack-of-communication#takeaway. Healthline Media.

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AFRICAN APHRODISIACS (KAYANMATA) SCIENCE OR MYTH?

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Introduction The concept of sex and sexuality has some form of sacredness that accompanies it across different human societies including Africa and as such, when some principles guiding it are violated, such violations are referred to as taboos (Okechi, 2018). However, many of these beliefs and practices some of which are superstitious have been eroded by globalization consequently changing the narrative when it comes to discussions centered on sex and sexual relationships (Okechi, 2018). The concept of sex and sexual relationships is one that is multifaceted and one aspect that has received so much attention over the years is sexual performance and dysfunction (Hock, 2012). Sexual dysfunction is an inability to perform regular sexual intercourse and this includes premature ejaculation, retrograded, delayed or impaired ejaculation, erectile dysfunction, arousal disorders (reduced libido), compulsive sexual activity, orgasmic disorder, and tumescence failure (Kotta, Ansari and Ali, 2013). Sexual problems are usually divided into four categories which include: problems with desire, arousal, orgasm, and pain (Hock, 2012). These problems have given rise to various types of treatment from scientific and medically proven ones to those that are not. The first drug that was pharmacologically approved for the treatment of sexual dysfunction is sildenafil popularly referred to as “Viagra” (Kotta, Ansari, and Ali, 2013). The introduction of this treatment drug gave way to many others and also, natural remedies and since then there has been no looking back when it comes to the search for treatments which includes aphrodisiacs. Aphrodisiacs according to Britannica are various forms of stimulation, thought to arouse sexual excitement. Lehmiller, (2017) describe them as substances that boost sexual desire, sexual pleasure, or behavior and they include a variety of spices, foods, synthetic chemicals, and plants. They may be classified into two major groups: (i) psychophysiological and (ii) internal (love potions, medical preparations, drugs, etc.). For example, Aphrodisiacs containing hallucinogenic properties such as buffo toad have psychological effects on a person which may increase sexual desire and pleasure (Melnyk and Marcone, 2011). Also, aphrodisiacs containing smooth relaxing muscle properties such as yohimbine have physiological effects on a person that can affect hormone levels and improve blood flow. However, there are many other substances that people use as aphrodisiacs today all over the world and in Africa where they are often referred to as “Kayamata” (this literally means woman’s property). Many of these substances are not scientifically tested or proven while some are. This article intends to shed light on whether these aphrodisiacs with a special focus on Africa have scientific backings or are just based on mythology. Brief History of Aphrodisiacs According to the Online Etymology Dictionary, the term aphrodisiac stems from the Greek word aphrodisiakon which means “sexual aphrodisiac” from the term aphrodisios which pertains to Aphrodite, the Greek goddess of love. The aphrodisiac history is usually based on herbs, plants, and spices. The first evidence of aphrodisiac use comes from the medicinal papyri in Egypt between 2200 and 1700 BC. Earliest attempts to cure erectile dysfunction with tested drugs date back to the 9th-16th century in the Islamic world (Bentil, 2014). Issues of sexual dysfunction necessitate the use of aphrodisiacs. Sexual dysfunction is a serious medical and social symptom in 10-52 percent of males and 25-63 percent of females. Across all continents and cultures of the world, everyone has their own fair share of well-known aphrodisiacs with Cola accuminata (Kolanut), Bulbine natalensis (Baker), Aframomum melegueta (Grains of Paradise), Mondia whiteii (Hook) and many others are being used as aphrodisiacs in Africa. African Aphrodisiacs (Kayanmata) The term Kayanmata originates from northern Nigeria and it literally means “women things”. However, this term has been popularized by its usage in describing herbs or potions that are used to enhance sexual performance and love (Adebowale, 2018). The kayan mata herbs are made up of different components ranging from sweetener powders, zuman mata / maza, sweets, gold fly / sex drops, lubricants etc. and they come in different forms like perfumes, food, tablets and other forms as the situation demands. According to Otorkpa 2019, they can be grouped into three categories which includes: (i) kayanmata for vagina upgrade used for “improving” vagina quality e.g. Madura, Goron tula, Simi, Sugar Lumps, Madura, Tauraren wuta etc. (ii) kanyamata for faithfulness and libido-boosting which are used for improving stamina for sex and sexual drive, keeping one’s partner. It is used for making a sexual partner come back for more. E.g. Gindin ayu which is produced from a fish called Ayu. (iii) kayanmata for favor and attraction potions which is maybe the most contentious of all the earlier mentioned types as it involves voodoo and spiritual manipulation using potions and sex oil, of one’s sexual partner. E.g. kayanmata beads, command oil, and attraction oil among many others. While the issues of sex and sexuality still seem to be something scary and taboo to speak about, many people patronize individuals and stores that sell kayanmata. For example, sex and anything to do with it is taboo in the highly conservative, and overwhelmingly Muslim north of Nigeria. Islamic scholars prohibit the use of the so-called aphrodisiacs, which they consider an immoral way of increasing sexual gratification. And yet the little market stalls that store them are frequented by both men and women (Zaharaddeen, 2019). This can be said to be the case in many other parts of Nigeria and Africa at large, where there are a lot of aphrodisiac stores and sellers all around. It is therefore important to know if these substances have any scientific/medical backing or if they are just figments of people’s imaginations i.e. just myths. Science or Myth? There are many substances people use as aphrodisiacs in Africa that either has little or insufficient backing or no scientific backing at all. This is not to say that some of these aphrodisiacs (Kayanmata) especially those that belong to the first two sections mentioned earlier have not been researched. Different studies (Ajao, Sibiya, and Moteetee, 2019; Oketch-Rabah, 2012) have been conducted to ascertain the aphrodisiac properties of some of

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FACTS ABOUT RAPE & SEXUAL ASSAULT

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WHO IS A RAPIST? A rapist is someone who sexually assaults another in an act that usually involves sexual intercourse or other forms of sexual penetration carried out against the person’s will or without that person’s consent. Rape is penetration, no matter how slight, of the vagina or anus with any body part or object, or oral penetration by a sex organ of another person, without the consent of the victim.” FACTS ABOUT RAPE Even though rape is not a gender-based issue, the fact remains that more women/girls are being affected. Rapists often see women as sex objects who are there to fulfill men’s sexual needs. Motives behind rape vary and are difficult to quantify. However, studies show that rapists have some common characteristics: Narcissism Lack of empathy Feelings of hostility towards women TYPES OF RAPISTS The opportunistic rapist – Rapists who seize any chance for sexual gratification, such as the loss of self-control on the part of their victim under the influence of alcohol. The sadistic rapist – Rapists whose motivation is to humiliate and degrade victims. The vindictive rapist – Rapists who have anger and aggression focused directly toward women. Such a rapist believes he is permitted to sexually attack women because he feels he has been hurt, rejected, or wronged by women in the past. SEXUAL ABUSE The main difference between sexual assault and sexual abuse is that sexual assault occurs to adults and sexual abuse occurs to minors or children. Typically, sexual abuse describes behavior committed toward a minor child. Children cannot consent to any type of sexual contact. ACTS OF SEXUAL ABUSE Exposing Oneself to a Minor Sexual Contact, Including Fondling and Intercourse Obscene Messaging Sex Trafficking: 50 percent of human trafficking victims are children, and the majority end up forced into the sex trade Pornography RED FLAGS FOR SEXUAL ABUSE Withdrawal from friends and usual activities Inappropriate sexual behaviors on the part of the child Sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) or signs of genital trauma Unexpected knowledge of sexual behaviors inappropriate given the child’s age Reluctance to spend time with a specific individual Regression in behavior – Reluctance to remove clothing HOW TO IDENTIFY POTENTIAL SEXUAL ABUSERS An adult who tends to want to spend excessive time with children, beyond their role in that child’s life. An adult who does not respect a child’s privacy or cues. An adult who spends more time with children and teenagers than their own adult friends. An adult who regularly discusses sexual behavior or feelings with children and teens. Frequently has “special friends” of a certain age range or appearance, which may change from year to year. An adult may become closer to specific children than seems appropriate or necessary, including taking that child for special trips or spending excessive time alone with that child. SEXUAL ASSAULT Sexual assault can describe a range of criminal acts that are sexual in nature, from unwanted touching and kissing to rubbing, groping or forcing the victim to touch the perpetrator in sexual ways. But sexual assault overlaps with rape because the term includes rape. assault describes a wide range of unwanted criminal sexual acts. Direct penetration, including oral, genital, and rectal penetration, all constitute rape. Rape includes any degree of penetration, including minor or slight penetration, committed as a deliberate act without the consent of the victim. As mentioned earlier, in cases involving sexual assault vs sexual abuse, sexual assault typically involves an adult victim. Sexual assault often occurs as a one-time event and includes any sexual contact not invited or wanted by the victim. Most often, when defining sexual assault, people think of rape; however, rape does not represent the only type of sexual assault. Sexual assault may also include: Forced Sexual Contact Unwanted Fondling or Touching Rape What should survivors do? Seek medical care Report to the authorities NGOs & Govt agencies FACTS Seek professional Counseling or Therapy

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FEMALE GENITAL MUTILATION IN NIGERIA

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Unfortunately, according to New York Times, 2 million additional cases of Female Genital Mutilation may occur over the next decade as a result of Covid 19. COVID-19 has shuttered schools and thereby disrupting programs that help protect girls from this harmful practice. FGM is widely practiced in Nigeria, and with its large population, Nigeria has the highest absolute number of cases of FGM in the world, accounting for about one-quarter of the estimated 115–130 million circumcised women worldwide. In Nigeria, FGM has the highest prevalence in the south-south (77%) (among adult women), followed by the southeast (68%) and southwest (65%), but practiced on a smaller scale in the north, paradoxically tending to in a more extreme form. Nigeria has a population of 150 million people with the women population forming 52%. The national prevalence rate of FGM is 41% among adult women. Prevalence rates progressively decline in the young age groups and 37% of circumcised women do not want FGM to continue. 61% of women who do not want FGM said it was a bad harmful tradition and 22% said it was against religion. Other reasons cited were medical complications (22%), painful personal experience (10%), and the view that FGM is against the dignity of women (10%). However, there is still considerable support for the practice in areas where it is deeply rooted in local tradition. I did a recent poll on FGM on social media, from people’s responses, it is obvious that Female Genital Mutilation is still going on in Africa and of course in Nigeria, even though The mental health, as well as the physical implications, are huge and devastating. If there are a lot of people advocating for this and creating awareness, this act will help people have a different mindset. In Nigeria, after nearly 13 years of trying to make a law against FGM, it was during the governance of Goodluck Ebele Jonathan, that this act was passed into law in May 2015. It was a milestone in the talk against FGM, as it signified governmental backing against a practice that held sway in Nigeria. Violence Against Persons Prohibition Act (VAPP) 2015, the anti-FGM law, was endorsed by the Nigerian Senate in May 2015. Unfortunately, to date, no one has been convicted despite the prevalence in Nigeria. This should scare everyone. Why are these people doing this in secret? And when caught, why are they not convicted? Why is no one coming out to report this case? According to the law, “a person who performs female circumcision or genital mutilation or engages another to carry out such circumcision or mutilation commits an offense and is liable on conviction to a term of imprisonment not exceeding 4 years or to a fine not exceeding N200,000 or both.” According to Rachel Arowolo, whose parents are firm believers in FGM, it is simply hard to condemn or report family members who are usually the culprits of female genital mutilations. For FGM, as with many other gender-based crimes, it stays in the family. “It will be difficult for one to take anyone to court because of how closely knitted our society is. We must do more in terms of bringing about behavior change” Why FGM should stop FGM has no known medical benefits to women and girls. In fact, according to the UNFPA, the attendant consequence of FGM are dire. “Complications include severe pain, shock, hemorrhage, tetanus or infection, urine retention, ulceration of the genital region and injury to adjacent tissue, wound infection, urinary infection, fever, and septicemia. Hemorrhage and infection can be severe enough to cause death,” UNFPA says. “Long-term consequences include complications during childbirth, anemia, the formation of cysts and abscesses, keloid scar formation, damage to the urethra resulting in urinary incontinence, dyspareunia (painful sexual intercourse), sexual dysfunction, hypersensitivity of the genital area, and increased risk of HIV transmission, as well as psychological effects,” the organization continued.!

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SOLVING THE PUZZLE OF ORGASM

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I get various questions on the topic, of orgasm. People have so many unanswered questions on their heads about the term orgasm, especially in this part of the world, where there is a very high level of ignorance. Some people have never heard of it, some heard and don’t really understand what it means and so many have never experienced it. In fact, some men argued that women are not meant to enjoy sex, sex is meant for procreation they say. I remember someone posted during a debate on my Facebook page that our grandmothers never experienced an orgasm and they only made love to make their husbands happy, he also believed that the desire to be sexually satisfied is the reason why women are misbehaving these days, he cannot be farther from the truth but that is Africa mentality for you. From experience as a sex therapist and marriage counselor, I won’t be exaggerating if I say 4 out of 5 marriages in Nigeria are having sexual issues, and because men’s sexuality is attached to their ego, coupled with the cultural and religious values here, which assigned a gender role of superhuman to the male folks. Even though the sexual relationship with one’s spouse should not be orgasm-based, It is the right of every woman to experience orgasm and besides one can only achieve a true level of physical and emotional sexual satisfaction through the experience called orgasm. Even though it is possible for men not to ejaculate/reach orgasm, it is more of a woman’s problem, men worry more about quality than quantity. Delayed ejaculation is a condition in which a man could sustain a prolonged erection without being able to ejaculate, this could be due to: Addiction to porn Addiction to masturbation Reaction to certain drugs Over-dependence on alcohol infection or certain health condition Psychological or relationship issues. For the benefit of this topic, I will be talking more about female orgasms. WHAT IS ORGASM? The word orgasm comes from the Greek word orga, meaning to explode with pleasure. It’s the climax of sexual pleasure, arriving suddenly after stimulation, and lasting just a few seconds. Research shows that orgasm is the most intense form of pleasure that human beings can experience, wow! The sensual rush is followed by a period of relaxation, satisfaction, and calm. Sounds interesting right? Follow me, let’s solve the puzzle….. WHAT HAPPENED WHEN ONE ACHIEVED ORGASM? MEN: When men ‘come’ or Orgasm, they ejaculate and their pelvic muscles contract. WOMEN: When women orgasm the clitoris retracts, the vagina, pelvic floor muscles, and uterus also contract in short bursts. A few women also secrete a whitish liquid during orgasm. This is known as ‘squirting,’ or female ejaculation. There is a possibility of feeling like you want to urinate during orgasm, never mistaken peeing with squirting. COUPLES: both partners’ heart rate will increase and blood vessels will dilate. Physical pleasure leads to the release of endorphins that create feelings of relaxation and contentment. Research shows that the hormone called oxytocin is released in large quantities during orgasm, this hormone is believed to promote bonding and hence monogamy in marriage. In a layman’s language, orgasm is an unexplainable experience, I usually say it’s a moment of insanity when you get to the point of no return. Almost everyone who has ever had an orgasm knows how a man feels, when he wants to ejaculate, the truth is that a woman should feel the same way when she reaches orgasm as well. POSSIBLE REASONS FOR NO ORGASM Clueless about how to make love Environmental distraction Unresolved domestic issues Lack of emotional connectivity Hormonal issues Lost of interest Unresolved financial issues Cultural or religious background HOW DOES ONE REACH ORGASM? There are two ways through which one [both men and women] can achieve orgasm. 1. Foreplay: This is the sexual activity that precedes lovemaking; it includes gazing, touching, kissing, necking, pecking, undressing each other, licking, etc. The extent and level one can go during foreplay depends on individual moral and religious belief, but what matters here is mutual respect and understanding with the desire to satisfy and make each other happy. Note that you should not be compelled to do what you are not comfortable with, and in as much as it’s not against the will of God, satisfying your partner is paramount. 2. Penetration: is principally the insertion and thrusting of a male’s penis, usually when erect, into a female’s vagina for the purposes of sexual pleasure or reproduction. Research shows that only about 20-25% of women will achieve orgasm through penetration and this most time depends on sex positions, so there’s a need to understand what position suits you best and if you have been trying to achieve orgasm through penetration without result, you are not alone. VAGINA ORGASM AND CLITORAL ORGASM Even though descent research has found that there are other erogenous spots located inside the vagina of a woman, i shall be concentrating on the well-known vagina orgasm and clitoral orgasm. 1. Vagina orgasm is also known as G-spot orgasm can be achieved by the penis touching the G-spot inside the vagina, the g-spot is located at the roof of the vagina about 2 inches inside of the vagina. Easier to locate with the finger and could only be touched by the penis in certain sex positions. G-Spot orgasm is explosive and more intense than vagina orgasm. It formed a spongy look when aroused. 2. Clitoral stimulation: The clitoris is a small, sensitive organ located at the top of the vulva, just above the urethra and the vaginal opening. It’s the easiest way to achieve orgasm for those who understand how to handle the clitoris.(I shall be talking about the amazing facts about the clitoris next week). HOW DOES ONE ACHIEVE ORGASM? It is common knowledge that women are a lot less familiar with orgasm; this is due

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HOW GENDER IDENTITY AFFECTS LOVE LANGUAGES

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Introduction A recent research shows that there are about a hundred gender identities in the world, but this article is concerned with straigh people who are in heterosexual relationships. Recent discovery in my practice as a sex therapist and couples counselor have shown alot of struggles amongs couples in sexless marriages, the truth is that we do not need long sessions to find out why this issue is so common in Africa, this is because an average african man equate romace to provision and protection, as much as the women are also conditioned to want same, the major part of them also want romace and emotional connection. Humans are intelligent and dominant species on earth. Like other creatures on earth, they have specific necessities and urges to get on with their lives. Food, wealth, and sex are among their fundamental needs. However, humans are divided into two different genders, just like every living being. You cannot compare humans with other beings regarding emotional and sexual desires. Furthermore, the complexity of human urges, desires, and needs is more profound than other beings. Please keep reading to find out how a man and a woman differ in sexual and emotional desires. Human Nature and Language of Love Writers have written Millions of songs, books, and articles on love. They have done so because it is the ultimate truth and the basic desire. It is imprinted like a digital code in their genetics to love and be loved. Men who don’t understand women’s actual needs often face breakups. Men who don’t understand women’s basic needs often meet breakups. For both genders, spending quality time with each other is most important. After that comes the urge to embrace each other and find comfort both physically and emotionally. It is prevalent among men that they are not entirely in touch with the emotional side of the language of love. Ultimately, they try to express themselves through physical contact, strength display, and masculinity, which works only a few times and fails occasionally. Why do Men Crave Sex? It is not a mystery that men love sex. They want to hold a woman and make love to fulfill their emotional and sexual desires. The control over their sexual desires is weak among men, while emotionally, they are strong. A recent study at Ohio State University brought some astonishing numbers. It was found that most younger males think of sex around 19 times a day. [York, 2019] Similarly, overthinking about sex is one cause why they want sex. Furthermore, masturbation among men is much more common than in women, which shows a higher sex drive among men than women. Furthermore, most men overlook women’s sentimental requirements and leave them emotionally unsatisfied. In truth, it is the understanding of the language of love which makes one a good lover. There are very few men who meet women’s criteria of a perfect lover and partner. Finally, a man who tends to his woman’s emotional side gets the most rewarding experiences of his life. Why do Women Seek Emotional Attachment? Women love a man who listens to them and connects with them emotionally while genuinely caring about what they have to say. Of course, sex is not an urge only associated with men; women have it too. However, controlling this desire is another topic. Women have excellent authority over their sexual urges but are emotionally weak and expect passionate attention. It has been discovered by many studies in numerous countries that most women showed a dislike towards masturbation which shows a lack of interest in self-pleasuring among women. However, women tend to find comfort with romantic partners who understand their emotional side. A recent study found that women who loved them and were committed to their partners experienced a morse satisfying sexual comfort. [state, 2014] Also, it can be a factor contributing to women’s romantic and emotional demands. Ultimately, for women, sex is much more than just sexual. Conclusion It will be best to understand that needs in relationships are different for both genders. You cannot hope to build a long-lasting and happy relationship if you only focus on your needs and desires without understanding the other’s side. What does your partner desire? How strong are they emotional? What makes them happy, and why do they become sad? What do they like to talk about? These are some of the questions you should ponder to develop an excellent relationship. Finally, you need to understand another question. Is my love life good? If it is not good, then what are you missing. Did you know that most breakups result from a partner’s inaccessibility? In women’s cases, the partner’s unavailability is primarily emotional, while in men’s case, it is sexual. Need help in fixing your sexless marriage, write to us at info@intimacyclinic.org or call our 24/7 helpline: +2348184575377.

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VALENTINE DEPRESSION, SHOULD YOU BE TALKING TO A THERAPIST?

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Even though valentine’s season is expected to be the season of love when everyone is happy and excited expressing their undying affection to the ones they love, surprisingly, some people might be going through what seems to be one of the worst seasons of their lives during valentine. As much as no one is expected to cut short their happiness because of others, when it comes to valentine, the level of insensitivity to other people’s feelings could be unavoidably alarming. Most times we get carried away with the euphoria of the period, forgetting that there are people around us who could be hurting. In fact, some research suggests that valentine’s day is the start of an annual rise in suicide rates that peaks in April. Especially in Africa, where Valentine is an imported celebration, just like we normally do with every other form of celebrations and special days, we take in everything from the western world hook, line, and sinker without putting measures in place to guide against excesses or negative implications. With the advent of social media, the world has become a global village, but the danger of this for Africa is the fact that we borrow a lot of culture from the west who have a working system, laws, and policies, while we wallow in the mental health implications of borrowed culture without putting guidelines or safeguarding measures in place. This is not far from the situation with valentine, African culture originally does not encourage romance, romance in Africa is measured by provision and defense, not all the sweet nothingness of sending flowers and chocolates and having a romantic getaway, hence the confusion around the sudden found foreign festival of love. When we do not understand the phenomenon of valentine, how then do we talk about its implication on the mental health of the singles, bereaved, or couples in crisis? As a matter of fact, the societal pressure on singles, especially the female folks is huge in Africa, the labeling, stigmatization, and frustration that the majority has to go through on a daily basis is already a lot. Being single at a certain age in Africa is like a disease, some house owners will never give out their accommodation to single ladies, waiters in bars and restaurants look at single women with disgust if they walk in alone without being accompanied by a man, neighbors tables you “Ashawo” meaning prostitutes when you are single, in fact, some parents will threaten to disown their daughter for not bringing a husband home at a certain age; the pressure is huge and the struggle is real! Combine this culture that sees marriage as the major measure of success, with the new waves of PDA and valentine craze on social media, then you will begin to understand why some people might be depressed or even worse still suicidal in this part of the world at this time. Why do people struggle with their mental health during valentine, especially in Africa: Stigmatization of individuals who are not in a relationship: African culture could make the most successful woman feel worthless without a man, it is the way the society is conditioned. Overly display of affection on social media: In a continent where twerking and living fake life drives the algorithms, single people or those struggling in their relationships could be feeling left out with all the displays of love, wealth, and romance on the internet. Going out to spend some alone time and show love to oneself might require extra effort at this time, especially when most of the relaxation centers believe that every woman needs a man to settle their bills. Social media in Nigeria has been filled with videos of proposals gone wrong, a situation people termed ‘serving breakfast” because valentine season is considered the season to show affection, the majority sees it as the opportunity to propose to their partner, unfortunately, the reality of the state of their relationship is confirmed by proposals rejection leading to disappointment, heartbreaks and possible depression for many. Talking to professional counselors or therapists is also not our thing, so individuals who are feeling left alone at this season are left to battle with their struggle alone, the majority do not even know they can seek help. Lack of professional help for those with spousal loss who could be triggered by the display of love in the season of valentine. Poverty is a big deal in Africa, those in relationships and don’t able to buy gifts or take their partners out for a tree might be feeling left out. The season comes with pressure and stress mounting pressure on couples to make time for each other and feeling obligated to act in certain romantic ways. A peep into the backend of my website showed what people are searching for online, vagina tightening gel, how to increase the size of the penis, how to make love like a pro, are some of the very popular searches during valentine. This buttresses the rise in performance anxiety among those in relationships. The new wave of children and teenagers getting involved in Valentine can throw some parents off-balance, especially in a culture where explanation and education on love and sex are almost nonexistent. “Stepping out today for a brief business meeting, which is the eve of valentine, was the worse decision of my life, no thanks to Lagos traffic, the whole city is jam-packed, restaurants are filled to the brim with car parks overflowing to the express and causing gridlock. Picking my phone to go on social media wasn’t a wise decision as well, everywhere is red with flowers, balloons, love quotes and notes as well as marriage proposals and exchange of gifts, its as if everyone has currently discovered what it Menas to be in love.” This is from Ajoke, one of my followers on social media. For those who are feeling left out as a result of not being in a relationship, just coming out of

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HOW TO LOVE YOURSELF

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People makes resolutions at the beginning of every new year; Plans on dos and don’ts, dreams and aspirations, targets and goals etc. Infact goal setting is usually a popular phrase at the beginning of the year. All these are good but the truth is that you cannot give what you do not have. You are the carrier of your dreams, the engine house that drives your ambition and the container that carries your aspiration, if you do not go through the journey of self discovery and be sure you’re capable of carrying what you hoped for, forget it. New year resolution should be about self discovery, about getting to know more about yourself, a deeper understanding of your self worth, self perception and self belief. No one can see you better than yourself and you can never achieve beyond what your mind perceives about you. If you are considering a new relationship, you had better known whom you are and the kind of person your personality deserves. If it’s about job, business or personal growth, wish all you can, set the most reasonable goals, spend days on the mountain and even fast for unending number of days, you cannot achieve beyond your capability. With this in mind, isn’t it important you work on yourself and prepare a worthy container that is capable of carrying your dreams? The way to do this is to love yourself. When you love yourself, you celebrate your little wins and have a clear direction on how to achieve the big ones. So how do you love yourself? 1. Find you: Who are you, what motivates you, why do you think the way you do, how do you even think, what are your strengths and weaknesses, what area of your life do you need to work on, what are your values, beliefs and self perception? How self aware are you? You need to understand yourself, only then can you put things in perspective and be genuinely convinced of how much love you think you deserves. 2. Find your passion: You can have all the money on earth and still not be happy, but when you find that one thing that gives use inner fulfilment as well as makes you feel good, you become proud of yourself at every wins and you tends to love yourself more. Your passion is connected to your mental health, there’s tendency to be happy and fulfilled when you’re doing what you love to do, again, they come so easy for you to do and that gives you a level of self confidence that boost your self worth and then self love. 3. Stop trying hard to please people: This is not to be nonchalant or insensitive, far from it, but the point here is to know who deserves your loyalty and the privilege of being in your space. The truth is, peoples’ perception about you has nothing to do with you, it’s not whom you are, they actually see you based on whom they are. So, no matter how hard you try to make yourself look small, it won’t change their mind about you. You want to love yourself? Don’t force yourself on anyone. 4. Practice meditation and mindfulness: As much as this sounds like what everyone does, if you take your mediation and mindfulness seriously, the way you see yourself will begin to change for better. There are different ways to practice meditation and mindfulness, find a simple steps to follow online and personalise it. Meditation, they say, is better than medication. 5. Work on your Impostor’s Syndrome: One study in the Harvard Business Review found that nearly 70% of people associate recognition with discomfort or embarrassment. You cannot afford to keep running away from accolades or think you’re not good enough for the position you occupy. You have worked hard for it, and you deserve all the recognition that comes along with it. 6. Improve on your poise and carriage: Raise your should high when you walk in the midst of crowd, keep a direct gaze when having conversations and avoid laughing unnecessarily. Do not try to shrink inside yourself when you’re not in your space. 7. Be genuine and reliable: As much as you do not want to be taken for granted, also make sure that your words are your bonds. Do not say what you don’t mean or commit to something you know you can’t finish. Be nice to people because those smiles you leave on their faces has a way of coming back to you. 8. Live Healthy: Eat right, exercise well, go outdoor, drink a lot of water and find a hubby. Do not live carelessly. Be deliberate about living a healthy lifestyle and it will come back to you by making you feel good about yourself. 9. Learn to say No: For so many of us, we have been conditioned to be docile and compliant right from childhood. A lot grew up in dysfunctional family settings where you dare not ask questions, you just obey. The tendency to carry this trait to adulthood is very high, and this is why most people are full of regrets and self blamed after taking certain actions, a situation that won’t stop them from repeating the circle again and again. You want to grow deeper in self love, learn to say no, even if you have to do it with explanation. 10. Learn to date yourself: Go to the cinema alone, go do fine dinning on your own, take a walk and enjoy your own space. When you don’t enjoy time alone with yourself, you tends to search for love and companionship in all the wrong places. 11. Stop the comparison: No one is you, stop trying hard to be a duplicate of another. Find your own unique self and concentrate on developing that. There are lots of capacity in you that are untapped because you’re busy trying to be whim you’re not. 12. Make Love: Sex

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Simple tips for giving a great head

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1. Be sure you’re dealing with a hygienic person. 2. Consider this an act of pleasure on its own not necessarily a prerequisite for penetration. 3. Be sure you’re on the same page with your partner. 4. Make up your mind to get pleasure from giving, don’t make it look unpleasant to you or you’re just doing it for her. 5. Get comfortable with bodily fluid and natural vagina smell. 6. It’s okay to ask her about what works for her. 7. Do not be too technical, rather try and connect emotionally. 8. Start gradually and build momentum. 9. Stay away from the vagina and concentrate on other parts until the vagina starts begging for your touch. 10. Do not dive into the clitoris, play with the pubic area, the labia, and the environs before touching the clitoris. 11. Be skillful about how to touch the clitoris. 12. Lick the clitoris in an upward movement direction and gently nibble and suck on it intermittently. 13. Take intermittent breaks away and touch other sensitive parts of the body as you build intensity. 14. Make eye contact. 15. Tongue on the clitoris and finger on the Gspot simultaneously gives a mind-blowing pleasure. Credit: @drtolu_thefixer www.intimacyclinic.org

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HOW TO LOVE YOURSELF

Simple tips for giving a great head

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