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HOW GENDER IDENTITY AFFECTS LOVE LANGUAGES

Introduction A recent research shows that there are about a hundred gender identities in the world, but this article is concerned with straigh people who are in heterosexual relationships. Recent discovery in my practice as a sex therapist and couples counselor have shown alot of struggles amongs couples in sexless marriages, the truth is that we do not need long sessions to find out why this issue is so common in Africa, this is because an average african man equate romace to provision and protection, as much as the women are also conditioned to want same, the major part of them also want romace and emotional connection. Humans are intelligent and dominant species on earth. Like other creatures on earth, they have specific necessities and urges to get on with their lives. Food, wealth, and sex are among their fundamental needs. However, humans are divided into two different genders, just like every living being. You cannot compare humans with other beings regarding emotional and sexual desires. Furthermore, the complexity of human urges, desires, and needs is more profound than other beings. Please keep reading to find out how a man and a woman differ in sexual and emotional desires. Human Nature and Language of Love Writers have written Millions of songs, books, and articles on love. They have done so because it is the ultimate truth and the basic desire. It is imprinted like a digital code in their genetics to love and be loved. Men who don’t understand women’s actual needs often face breakups. Men who don’t understand women’s basic needs often meet breakups. For both genders, spending quality time with each other is most important. After that comes the urge to embrace each other and find comfort both physically and emotionally. It is prevalent among men that they are not entirely in touch with the emotional side of the language of love. Ultimately, they try to express themselves through physical contact, strength display, and masculinity, which works only a few times and fails occasionally. Why do Men Crave Sex? It is not a mystery that men love sex. They want to hold a woman and make love to fulfill their emotional and sexual desires. The control over their sexual desires is weak among men, while emotionally, they are strong. A recent study at Ohio State University brought some astonishing numbers. It was found that most younger males think of sex around 19 times a day. [York, 2019] Similarly, overthinking about sex is one cause why they want sex. Furthermore, masturbation among men is much more common than in women, which shows a higher sex drive among men than women. Furthermore, most men overlook women’s sentimental requirements and leave them emotionally unsatisfied. In truth, it is the understanding of the language of love which makes one a good lover. There are very few men who meet women’s criteria of a perfect lover and partner. Finally, a man who tends to his woman’s emotional side gets the most rewarding experiences of his life. Why do Women Seek Emotional Attachment? Women love a man who listens to them and connects with them emotionally while genuinely caring about what they have to say. Of course, sex is not an urge only associated with men; women have it too. However, controlling this desire is another topic. Women have excellent authority over their sexual urges but are emotionally weak and expect passionate attention. It has been discovered by many studies in numerous countries that most women showed a dislike towards masturbation which shows a lack of interest in self-pleasuring among women. However, women tend to find comfort with romantic partners who understand their emotional side. A recent study found that women who loved them and were committed to their partners experienced a morse satisfying sexual comfort. [state, 2014] Also, it can be a factor contributing to women’s romantic and emotional demands. Ultimately, for women, sex is much more than just sexual. Conclusion It will be best to understand that needs in relationships are different for both genders. You cannot hope to build a long-lasting and happy relationship if you only focus on your needs and desires without understanding the other’s side. What does your partner desire? How strong are they emotional? What makes them happy, and why do they become sad? What do they like to talk about? These are some of the questions you should ponder to develop an excellent relationship. Finally, you need to understand another question. Is my love life good? If it is not good, then what are you missing. Did you know that most breakups result from a partner’s inaccessibility? In women’s cases, the partner’s unavailability is primarily emotional, while in men’s case, it is sexual. Need help in fixing your sexless marriage, write to us at in**@************ic.org or call our 24/7 helpline: +2348184575377.

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VALENTINE DEPRESSION, SHOULD YOU BE TALKING TO A THERAPIST?

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Even though valentine’s season is expected to be the season of love when everyone is happy and excited expressing their undying affection to the ones they love, surprisingly, some people might be going through what seems to be one of the worst seasons of their lives during valentine. As much as no one is expected to cut short their happiness because of others, when it comes to valentine, the level of insensitivity to other people’s feelings could be unavoidably alarming. Most times we get carried away with the euphoria of the period, forgetting that there are people around us who could be hurting. In fact, some research suggests that valentine’s day is the start of an annual rise in suicide rates that peaks in April. Especially in Africa, where Valentine is an imported celebration, just like we normally do with every other form of celebrations and special days, we take in everything from the western world hook, line, and sinker without putting measures in place to guide against excesses or negative implications. With the advent of social media, the world has become a global village, but the danger of this for Africa is the fact that we borrow a lot of culture from the west who have a working system, laws, and policies, while we wallow in the mental health implications of borrowed culture without putting guidelines or safeguarding measures in place. This is not far from the situation with valentine, African culture originally does not encourage romance, romance in Africa is measured by provision and defense, not all the sweet nothingness of sending flowers and chocolates and having a romantic getaway, hence the confusion around the sudden found foreign festival of love. When we do not understand the phenomenon of valentine, how then do we talk about its implication on the mental health of the singles, bereaved, or couples in crisis? As a matter of fact, the societal pressure on singles, especially the female folks is huge in Africa, the labeling, stigmatization, and frustration that the majority has to go through on a daily basis is already a lot. Being single at a certain age in Africa is like a disease, some house owners will never give out their accommodation to single ladies, waiters in bars and restaurants look at single women with disgust if they walk in alone without being accompanied by a man, neighbors tables you “Ashawo” meaning prostitutes when you are single, in fact, some parents will threaten to disown their daughter for not bringing a husband home at a certain age; the pressure is huge and the struggle is real! Combine this culture that sees marriage as the major measure of success, with the new waves of PDA and valentine craze on social media, then you will begin to understand why some people might be depressed or even worse still suicidal in this part of the world at this time. Why do people struggle with their mental health during valentine, especially in Africa: Stigmatization of individuals who are not in a relationship: African culture could make the most successful woman feel worthless without a man, it is the way the society is conditioned. Overly display of affection on social media: In a continent where twerking and living fake life drives the algorithms, single people or those struggling in their relationships could be feeling left out with all the displays of love, wealth, and romance on the internet. Going out to spend some alone time and show love to oneself might require extra effort at this time, especially when most of the relaxation centers believe that every woman needs a man to settle their bills. Social media in Nigeria has been filled with videos of proposals gone wrong, a situation people termed ‘serving breakfast” because valentine season is considered the season to show affection, the majority sees it as the opportunity to propose to their partner, unfortunately, the reality of the state of their relationship is confirmed by proposals rejection leading to disappointment, heartbreaks and possible depression for many. Talking to professional counselors or therapists is also not our thing, so individuals who are feeling left alone at this season are left to battle with their struggle alone, the majority do not even know they can seek help. Lack of professional help for those with spousal loss who could be triggered by the display of love in the season of valentine. Poverty is a big deal in Africa, those in relationships and don’t able to buy gifts or take their partners out for a tree might be feeling left out. The season comes with pressure and stress mounting pressure on couples to make time for each other and feeling obligated to act in certain romantic ways. A peep into the backend of my website showed what people are searching for online, vagina tightening gel, how to increase the size of the penis, how to make love like a pro, are some of the very popular searches during valentine. This buttresses the rise in performance anxiety among those in relationships. The new wave of children and teenagers getting involved in Valentine can throw some parents off-balance, especially in a culture where explanation and education on love and sex are almost nonexistent. “Stepping out today for a brief business meeting, which is the eve of valentine, was the worse decision of my life, no thanks to Lagos traffic, the whole city is jam-packed, restaurants are filled to the brim with car parks overflowing to the express and causing gridlock. Picking my phone to go on social media wasn’t a wise decision as well, everywhere is red with flowers, balloons, love quotes and notes as well as marriage proposals and exchange of gifts, its as if everyone has currently discovered what it Menas to be in love.” This is from Ajoke, one of my followers on social media. For those who are feeling left out as a result of not being in a relationship, just coming out of

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HOW TO LOVE YOURSELF

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People makes resolutions at the beginning of every new year; Plans on dos and don’ts, dreams and aspirations, targets and goals etc. Infact goal setting is usually a popular phrase at the beginning of the year. All these are good but the truth is that you cannot give what you do not have. You are the carrier of your dreams, the engine house that drives your ambition and the container that carries your aspiration, if you do not go through the journey of self discovery and be sure you’re capable of carrying what you hoped for, forget it. New year resolution should be about self discovery, about getting to know more about yourself, a deeper understanding of your self worth, self perception and self belief. No one can see you better than yourself and you can never achieve beyond what your mind perceives about you. If you are considering a new relationship, you had better known whom you are and the kind of person your personality deserves. If it’s about job, business or personal growth, wish all you can, set the most reasonable goals, spend days on the mountain and even fast for unending number of days, you cannot achieve beyond your capability. With this in mind, isn’t it important you work on yourself and prepare a worthy container that is capable of carrying your dreams? The way to do this is to love yourself. When you love yourself, you celebrate your little wins and have a clear direction on how to achieve the big ones. So how do you love yourself? 1. Find you: Who are you, what motivates you, why do you think the way you do, how do you even think, what are your strengths and weaknesses, what area of your life do you need to work on, what are your values, beliefs and self perception? How self aware are you? You need to understand yourself, only then can you put things in perspective and be genuinely convinced of how much love you think you deserves. 2. Find your passion: You can have all the money on earth and still not be happy, but when you find that one thing that gives use inner fulfilment as well as makes you feel good, you become proud of yourself at every wins and you tends to love yourself more. Your passion is connected to your mental health, there’s tendency to be happy and fulfilled when you’re doing what you love to do, again, they come so easy for you to do and that gives you a level of self confidence that boost your self worth and then self love. 3. Stop trying hard to please people: This is not to be nonchalant or insensitive, far from it, but the point here is to know who deserves your loyalty and the privilege of being in your space. The truth is, peoples’ perception about you has nothing to do with you, it’s not whom you are, they actually see you based on whom they are. So, no matter how hard you try to make yourself look small, it won’t change their mind about you. You want to love yourself? Don’t force yourself on anyone. 4. Practice meditation and mindfulness: As much as this sounds like what everyone does, if you take your mediation and mindfulness seriously, the way you see yourself will begin to change for better. There are different ways to practice meditation and mindfulness, find a simple steps to follow online and personalise it. Meditation, they say, is better than medication. 5. Work on your Impostor’s Syndrome: One study in the Harvard Business Review found that nearly 70% of people associate recognition with discomfort or embarrassment. You cannot afford to keep running away from accolades or think you’re not good enough for the position you occupy. You have worked hard for it, and you deserve all the recognition that comes along with it. 6. Improve on your poise and carriage: Raise your should high when you walk in the midst of crowd, keep a direct gaze when having conversations and avoid laughing unnecessarily. Do not try to shrink inside yourself when you’re not in your space. 7. Be genuine and reliable: As much as you do not want to be taken for granted, also make sure that your words are your bonds. Do not say what you don’t mean or commit to something you know you can’t finish. Be nice to people because those smiles you leave on their faces has a way of coming back to you. 8. Live Healthy: Eat right, exercise well, go outdoor, drink a lot of water and find a hubby. Do not live carelessly. Be deliberate about living a healthy lifestyle and it will come back to you by making you feel good about yourself. 9. Learn to say No: For so many of us, we have been conditioned to be docile and compliant right from childhood. A lot grew up in dysfunctional family settings where you dare not ask questions, you just obey. The tendency to carry this trait to adulthood is very high, and this is why most people are full of regrets and self blamed after taking certain actions, a situation that won’t stop them from repeating the circle again and again. You want to grow deeper in self love, learn to say no, even if you have to do it with explanation. 10. Learn to date yourself: Go to the cinema alone, go do fine dinning on your own, take a walk and enjoy your own space. When you don’t enjoy time alone with yourself, you tends to search for love and companionship in all the wrong places. 11. Stop the comparison: No one is you, stop trying hard to be a duplicate of another. Find your own unique self and concentrate on developing that. There are lots of capacity in you that are untapped because you’re busy trying to be whim you’re not. 12. Make Love: Sex

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Simple tips for giving a great head

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1. Be sure you’re dealing with a hygienic person. 2. Consider this an act of pleasure on its own not necessarily a prerequisite for penetration. 3. Be sure you’re on the same page with your partner. 4. Make up your mind to get pleasure from giving, don’t make it look unpleasant to you or you’re just doing it for her. 5. Get comfortable with bodily fluid and natural vagina smell. 6. It’s okay to ask her about what works for her. 7. Do not be too technical, rather try and connect emotionally. 8. Start gradually and build momentum. 9. Stay away from the vagina and concentrate on other parts until the vagina starts begging for your touch. 10. Do not dive into the clitoris, play with the pubic area, the labia, and the environs before touching the clitoris. 11. Be skillful about how to touch the clitoris. 12. Lick the clitoris in an upward movement direction and gently nibble and suck on it intermittently. 13. Take intermittent breaks away and touch other sensitive parts of the body as you build intensity. 14. Make eye contact. 15. Tongue on the clitoris and finger on the Gspot simultaneously gives a mind-blowing pleasure. Credit: @drtolu_thefixer www.intimacyclinic.org

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WHAT HAS AGE GOT TO DO WITH THIS?

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Age is one of the factors that need to be considered when choosing a life partner especially in this part of the world, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that the success of such a relationship depends on the age factor. If we say age is just a number, we won’t be far from the truth, and if we also say it matters, it’s not false as well. Research shows that women who marrieds men who are a little bit older than them enjoy more tolerance, understanding, and affection from such men, even though this might not be in all cases. Success in marriage depends largely on the level of understanding between couples as well as compatibility, Even if the wife is younger and there’s no understanding, that marriage might crash. Just like I stated earlier, significantly older men tend to be more tolerant and could be more possessive sometimes as well. One cannot state the benefits and disadvantages categorically, but these few are trends that are common to such relationships/marriage: Older men tend to be more tolerance and caring older men tend to be more possessive most time older men/women are more financially stable It’s difficult to command the needed respect to boost a man’s ego from an older woman in most cases There will be serious hurdles to cross in form of friends and family interference. Marrying someone with significant age differences shouldn’t be a big deal, at least it’s not in the developed world, but the fact remains that African has not developed to that level, a lot of people will frown at it and mount pressure that might start choking the relationship/marriage. To enter into this kind of relationship/marriage, there are a few questions one should ask: What is the motive? Are you entering that relationship because you are in love and will like to spend the resort of your life with that man/woman or you are doing it for material gain? If the motive is wrong the marriage will not survive. If the foundation is destroyed, what can anyone do? Are you ready to live with the consequences of your action? If you find yourself in a function where your friends’ spouses are almost their age, will you still be happy to flaunt your partner without feeling ashamed? You must be ready to stand by your decisions and see your choice as the best irrespective of what anyone thinks or says, if not there will be crises. Culturally or religiously speaking, the man remains the head of the family and not the other way round, as a woman, if you are dating or marrying a younger man, are you willing to respect him irrespective? When it comes to the issue of an ideal age gap between partners, there’s no one size fits all, or one age fits all. What works for couple A might not work for couple B, in as much as there is understanding and compatibility age remains a factor. But one should also consider the number of years especially when the older is a woman, 10 years and above might be a way too high even in the developed world, some people will still frown at outrageous age gap in such cases. I always counsel couples in this situation that they should keep their little secret to themselves as much as possible, the fewer people that know about their age differences the better for them. Having a wonderful marriage is not age-dependent though it could be a factor.

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WHY YOU’RE SINGLE AGAINST YOUR WISH

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Introduction: Tongues have started wailing, people are already looking at you whenever you are passing, your parents are on your case, and it’s looking as if singleness is now sickness. You don’t seem to be happy anymore and it’s as if every other good thing in your life does not count, to you, all you need to be fulfilled is to settle down and get a man. You look at yourself in the mirror and spot a small fine line under your eyes, “now I’m having wrinkles” you said to yourself, it’s as if your world has stopped moving, all because you want to change your status from single to married, no thanks to the society we live in. You don’t even care at this point, any man will do for you, you just want to be addressed with the prefix; MRS and that’s all that matters. And for the male folks, probably you get worried when your friend’s children call you ‘uncle’ or whenever your parents call and ask when you are going to give them a grandchild. Maybe, people in your vicinity have started asking questions about your sexuality and you are not comfortable with being single anymore. As a professional counselor and matchmaker, even though I might not be able to understand your feelings, because I’m not in your shoe, I can relate with what you are going through, and experience has thought me that most time, you are the reason why you are still single against your wish. Maybe, just maybe there are things you are not doing rightly, check out these few points, which I think might help you find your feet. 1. Unreasonable expectations: It baffles me when I listen to the criteria some ladies are setting up for their man, he must be tall, dark, handsome, God fairing, caring, loving, well built, straight fingers, clean, blah blah…. It’s good to desire good things, but while desiring all these qualities, it is paramount to understand that nobody is perfect. When people walk into my office for matchmaking and they start listing some unreasonable expectations, I usually make them realize that they should consider the fact that they are not perfect before searching for a perfect spouse. The men these days are not helping matters either, you want a rich girl that can provide for you while you fold your arms, that is trying to change the natural cause of things, and in fact, any marriage built on that will not last. She must be tall, fair, straight legs, big boobs, big ass, etc, stuffs like these are good but shouldn’t be the foundation on which your marriage will be built. When you set expectations that are outrageous for yourself, getting the right person to meet such expectations becomes an issue. So if you feel you should have been married but you are still single against your wish, maybe you need to review your expectations and understand that just the way it is in economics, when it comes to choosing a life partner, there should be a scale of preference, and you must have your opportunity cost and alternative forgone. 2. Overrating yourself: ‘I am so beautiful, I can have any man of my choice, if it doesn’t work out with this one, another guy will always come’…. These are reasons why so many get to the black market before realizing it was too late, you need to understand the Yoruba adage that says “ile obinrin kinpesu”, meaning that it’s advisable for young ladies to make hay while the sun shines. Some men also feel they are the all in all, after all, I’m so handsome, I have a good job, and I can get any lady I want, this can keep you unnecessarily single than usual. Do not overrate yourself and lose a good man/woman; a mistake that that is keeping so many singles in their parents’ home to date. 3. Spiritual confusion: ‘I don’t love him, but God says I should marry him. I remember counseling a 40 years old successful career woman, she actually came to my office to register for matchmaking, her excuse for getting married late was that God chose for her a man he felt nothing for and told her not to marry the man she cared about. I told her, this is not possible because God is not an author of confusion. When it comes to the issue of whom to marry, apart from the leading of the Holy Spirit, you are totally responsible for your action. This is not the time of Adam and Eve when Adam complained to God that he was misled by the woman He gave to him, today you can’t shift the blame on God or anyone, you will face the consequences of your action, that is why the word of God says he that finds a wife finds a good thing, you must do the finding with the help of Holy Spirit to obtain the favor that follows. Do not get caught up in the web of spiritual confusion, if not you will be 40 before you realize what is going on. It is good to seek the face of God and the leading of the Holy Spirit, but running from pillar to post in the name of spiritual guidance will tie you down unnecessarily. 4. Unsociable temperamental: Human beings are different and a lot of factors affect who we individually turn out to be. Cultural factors, genes, upbringing, spiritual influence, social factors, all contribute to whom we will turn out to be. A lot of people has a very phlegmatic nature and this makes them find it difficult to relate well with people, especially the opposite sex, these set of people will never fight for what they love even when they are dying to have it. For some it could be the spiritual background, in fact, some consider it a sin relating or talking with the opposite sex, and by

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POSSIBLE REASONS YOU COULD BE STRUGGLING WITH MONOGAMY

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It is always said that men are polygamous in nature, a myth that most people have come to believe and adapted as their realities. According to research, there are more than fifty (50) different types of non-monogamous relationships being practiced, a situation where people could choose to be in a relationship with more than one partner. Such as being in a financial relationship with one partner, in an emotional relationship with another, and a sexual relationship with another. Whereas there are set boundaries as all partners involved are aware and have an understanding of what they are going into. The point here is that It’s okay if you don’t want to be in a monogamous relationship, but if you want to be there, then there’s a need to be sure of what you are going into and be ready to stick it out. Unfortunately, this is not our reality, people go into monogamous relationships believing that it is impossible to be monogamous, that sounds like deceit, and the reason I think the majority struggle with being in one partner. A lot of people are frustrated and stuck in a bad relationship in the name of being monogamous, maybe if we understand monogamy better, it will help us to do better. Here are possible reasons you could be struggling with monogamy? Wrong conditioning in parenting style: A situation where children are trained that the yardstick for success is only attached to marriage. For instance in the Africa setup especially for women. Where she’s seen as a failure when unmarried, even if she is successful in other areas of her life. This culture makes unmarried females feel unsuccessful if they are unmarried. Even the men as well are termed failures and irresponsible when not married or have a woman in his life. With this conditioning people go into monogamy trying to please people, trying to follow the set rules and standards, a mindset that could lead to struggling to keep up with the demand of what you are not ready or prepared for. Normalizing jealousy as the indicator of love: We tend to make it look as if the moment we enter monogamy we own the other person, such that we have to dictate where, when, or how the person moves or functions. When excessive jealousy is normalized, then the people begin to struggle as a result of not being allowed to be themselves. Most cases, in other to avoid confrontations or altercation with other people, people tend to loose their personality, for example, keeping up to avoid confrontations between partners and maybe a co-worker, a sales person, a friend etc. This will result in unfulfillment and tension could set in. Thinking it is impossible to get attracted to anyone else because you are intensely in love: People mount pressure on monogamy and therefore struggle through it because they consider it impossible to get attracted to another person just because they are already in love with someone. A man could have an erection after seeing a beautiful lady, even when he’s in love and in a monogamous relationship with his partner, it does not mean he needs to act on it. Blaming oneself for feelings of being attracted to another is unnecessary expectations that mount pressures on monogamy, as human you can get attracted to another. It is okay to be in a relationship or marriage and still be attracted to another person, you do not have to act on the attraction. Expecting one person to meet all your needs: Be it spiritual, emotional, sexual, personal, or the need for intimacy, expecting only one person to meet all your needs will only lead to exhaustion and thereby struggles. It is okay to have friends, who could be of the same sex or opposite sex depending on what you can handle, as long as you know when and where to draw the boundaries. Human beings are social beings in the first place, and therefore need other people to function optimally, there’s a need to relate with other and make friends. Free yourself, marriage is not bondage. We have misunderstood monogamy to an extent where people mount unnecessary pressures on their relationship by taking too much form just one person, leading to struggle and frustration, monogamy is not the problem but the unreasonable expectations. Believing that is impossible to cheat: some believe that because you are in a monogamous relationship you cannot cheat. Thereby setting unnecessary standards. As much as there’s no excuse for cheating in a committed relationship, believing that you are automatically immune to cheating is unreasonable. Not having a life: This is very similar to point number four above, not having a life outside one’s monogamous relationship can put a strain on the relationship. There’s a need to have dreams, aspirations, ambitions, there’s need to define your individuality in a couple relationship, most people failed to do this thereby demanding too much. Even if one chooses to be a stay-at-home mum/dad, there’s still a need to have a life purpose outside marriage. Overrating marriage as a lifetime medal could lead to a struggle in a monogamous relationship. Believing that your value is the value your partner places on you: Not being able to determine individual values could cause inner conflicts for someone in a monogamous relationship. No single individual is value-neutral, there’s a need to understand that the parties in a monogamous relationship are individuals from different backgrounds. You cannot afford to ascribe to yourself, only the value ascribed by your partner. Find yourself, who are you? Only then can you find stability in your monogamous relationship. Believing that love is all that matters: Love matters, but it’s not all that matters, going into a monogamous relationship just because you are in love will lead to struggles. There’s a need for compatibility in other areas of your lives, do you have common goals, enjoy common recreations, etc. Coming up with statements like; “if our love is strong it is going to help our

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HOW TO KNOW IF SOMEONE IS INTO YOU

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People tend to walk into my office asking questions like ‘Dr. Tolu how do I know if my partner loves me?’ or perhaps you are one that likes to keep your money away from your partner especially from men to women saying you will like to test her and be sure she doesn’t love you because of money. All these and many more do not guarantee someone’s love for you. The first thing I tell people is that for you to even ask that question in the first place, is a red flag; for you to be bothered, unsure or confused, you have already gotten your answer. The answer is “NO”. If someone loves you, you would not need to ask and for women that mostly ask me, I tell them that for men that are in love it is even more intense because they find it hard to hide their feelings unlike women even though they are more emotional. If someone loves you and you love someone, you will find peace; you won’t be worried or restless. For instance, you are asked “Jane, what are you doing with Kingsley” your answer will always move towards positivity if you love him and you know that he loves you unlike your answer coming off like “Errrrm…., I’m not so sure what I’m doing with him”. When you love someone and vice versa, you will feel loved, cared for, and at peace, he/she wants to know that you are fine, you will feel safe, whatever makes you unhappy becomes their problem also. Finally, I am sure you know the signs, you are aware when somebody doesn’t love you, you know when this person treats you like garbage, you know when this person makes you feel worthless. I understand love sometimes can make you feel helpless but it never takes away the ability for you to be logical, for you to speak to yourself, for you to boldly say to yourself that you deserve better. Nobody deserves to be treated lesser than a human. Putting love aside, even outside a relationship, if you allow yourself to be treated lesser, it says a lot about your Self Esteem, it says a lot about your self-worth also, about you feeling like you don’t deserve better. No one is going to see you better than you see yourself. So you will ask me “Dr. Tolu how do I know if this person loves me?” and this is what I’ll tell you, a lot of times you know when someone cares about you, you will see the signs. The only question you need to ask yourself is ‘Who am I and what do I deserve?”. Are you in a state of confusion in your relationship? Get clarification here

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SEXUAL DYSFUNCTION

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SEXUAL DYSFUNCTION: It is the consistent, recurring difficulty experienced by an individual during any phase of the sexual cycle that prevents the individual or couple from experiencing satisfaction from the sexual activity. In other words, when anything hinders an individual from experiencing full sexual satisfaction, is a form of sexual dysfunction. A condition is said to be a dysfunction when it has been going on consistently for six months and also affects one’s functionality, productivity, performance, relationship, and self-esteem causing a form of distress. Research has it that 43% of women and 31% of men have some degree of sexual dysfunction. PHASES OF SEXUAL CYCLE INCLUDE; -Desire Phase, -Arousal Phase, -Climax Phase, -Resolution Phase. DESIRE: To have intercourse the first thing that happens is to have the desire. The desire to get down and have the feeling to have sex with one’s partner. For a lot of people, this is the stage of their dysfunction. AROUSAL: This is the point where an individual is touched, told something sweet and romantic to get the individual horny, wet, excited. If such an individual doesn’t experience any of these then the dysfunction is at the arousal phase. CLIMAX: When men experience a delay in ejaculation and women can’t reach orgasm then there’s a dysfunction at the climax phase. RESOLUTION: When there is a feeling of inadequacy after an act of lovemaking, such as the man sleeping off immediately after the sexual act. Most dysfunction is rooted in our cognitive background mostly from childhood because sex actually starts from the mind and when the mind is attacked the genitals respond in like manner. TYPES OF SEXUAL DYSFUNCTION -Gender dysphoria (gender identity disorder), -Sexual disorder, -Paraphilic disorder. GENDER DYSPHORIA: This is a kind of disorder, distress, the difficulty experienced by individuals where their biological assign sex does not align with their gender identity. In other words, these are people that feel they are trapped in another person’s body. For example, someone who has a vagina might feel like a man who is been trapped in a female body. People with gender dysphoria have about 71% chances of developing other forms of disorder if not treated or attended to. Research also shows that it is more common in boys than in girls and it starts to manifest at age four (4). Though it doesn’t need to affect individual sexual identity, in a lot of cases it affects their choice of partner. CAUSES OF GENDER DYSPHORIA; COGNITIVE: This has to do with the individual thought pattern. PSYCHOSOCIAL: This is a result of nurturing; societal conditioning, parental upbringing. BIOLOGICAL: Occurs as a result of a mother’s exposure to certain medication that produces certain hormones. There is also a school of thought that believes it can be hereditary and, that some genetic association can be responsible. One other factor responsible for gender dysphoria is when a mother is expecting a particular gender and gives birth to another. This very common among men when the mother is actually expecting a female child. Gender dysphoria manifest in children they are constantly saying they are the opposite gender even though they have the physical trait of another as their biological assign gender. They also start preferring friends of the opposite gender reject clothes, toys and can go as far as wanting to get rid of their genitals, and with all of this happening it can cause them to experience a lot of distress as they grow into puberty. In adults, they begin to feel that their true identity, who they think they are, is not aligning with who they are biological. Some begin to build disgust with their genitals such that they don’t feel like showering, changing their clothes, having sex, or even touching their genitals. For someone with gender dysphoria talking to a counselor, sex therapist, psychologist or psychiatrist is a form of treatment even though the purpose is not to change the person but to address the mental issue the condition could have caused for the individual. SEXUAL DISORDERS: This is defined as a group of dysfunction caused by a person’s inability to fully engage and derive pleasure from sex. TYPES OF SEXUAL DISORDERS -Male hypoactive sexual desire disorder (HSDD) and female interest/female arousal disorder, -erectile disorder, -premature ejaculation, -delayed ejaculation and, -female orgasmic or orgasmia disorder. MALE HYPOACTIVE SEXUAL DESIRE DISORDER (HSDD) AND FEMALE INTEREST/FEMALE AROUSAL DISORDER: This is a kind of disorder characterized by a lack of reduced interest in sexual activity as well as a significant reduction of sexual thoughts. A man with HSDD doesn’t think about sex often, doesn’t show interest in sex. According to statistics done in the United States of America, approximately fifteen percent (15%) of adult males are expected to have sexual disorders. Any individual with hypoactive sexual disorder (HSDD) will have a low sexual drive, delay in frequency, or access to orgasm during sexual activities; they also have the tendency for premature ejaculation. CAUSES OF HSDD BOTH IN MALE AND FEMALE: BIOLOGICAL; includes the breakdown of the nervous system and also of the vascular system, low level of testosterone, heavy alcohol consumption, depression, very heavy smoking, reaction to certain medications. For women, it could be a sign of menopause. PSYCHOLOGICAL; could include early childhood introduction to the topic of sex as a negative thing thereby conditioning the mind of the child until adulthood, sexual abuse, religious belief, relationship problems which could lead to anxiety and poor communication. Other causes could be a result of mental health disorder, low physiological arousal, stress, and exhaustion. SOLUTIONS: Majorly talk to a medical doctor, a gynecologist who could do hormonal procedures, or a neurologist. if there is an underlining psychiatric issue also a psychiatrist who is a medical doctor will be of immense help. The need for a psychotherapist like a sex therapist or counselor is also important. Need to book an appointment with a professional Sex Therapist? Click HERE

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50 FUN FACTS ABOUT KISSING

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Kissing can make or mar your relationship/marriage Most of the big issues couples are struggling with in their marriages started with just a little act of ignorance. marriage can be full of nagging and turbulence because a poor kisser marries a good kisser- Kissing is not the only step during the act of lovemaking Women does not speedily build up romantic emotions till it reaches the peak call orgasm breach of love making process can reduce a woman eagerness for love making within a second. A woman who knows her onions in the act of kissing will never enjoy sex with a bad kisser. A sexually frustrated woman can not make a good marriage. A bad kisser is a turn off and a minus to the level of expected ecstasy. Kissing is romantic because it can be expressed both openly and in private It’s possible to ejaculate through kissing. People also kiss to show respect According to Ernest Crawley A kiss is a universal expression of affection and veneration of the higher social class people. A kiss can be placed on any part of the body, but could smear trouble if placed wrongly. The nip kiss is an open mouthed kiss that incorporates the tongue just like the French kiss. You should not try a French kiss on someone you just met without crosschecking with them. You burn 20 to 30 calories after kissing for one minute. 30 Facial Muscles is the number of facial muscles utilised while kissing. When words can’t express how you feel, always seal it with a kiss. It is believed that women has two types of lips, the top lips and the bottom lips which is the labia How good you are in working on the top lips of a woman has alot to do with how far you will/can go with the bottom. The sensational effect you are able to generate with the upper lips determines the kind of respond you get from the bottom. The experience of a memorable and perfect first kiss with your beau does not really fade away. Having too many questions of how to get it right, in mind during kissing tend to make the kisser very anxious. In order to achieve the perfection of this first kiss, you must maintain your calmness. The slower a kiss is, the hotter it is. In order for a kiss to be fun, it should be similar to a sluggish traffic. It is better not to ask for a kiss, rather warm your way to achieving the gesture. Closing your eyes during kissing will allow you to savor every moment and get connected in your mind and even your soul. Nature obeys the law of passion. Talking is not a good way to relate during the art of kissing. Too much saliva is a turn off during kissing. Kissing someone with fresh breath is always a prelude to more passionate things to come. During the act of passionate kiss, it is important not to concentrate solely on the lips. A Goodbye kiss could save your partner from temptation when he/she is alone. Kiss on the ground is practiced by Africans. 31.3 hours was the longest recorded time for kissing, set in 2004 by an Italian couple. Kissing in an unfamiliar place to make kissing more exciting is called destination kissing. When your kissing lacks sensual feelings, it might become ordinary and your partner might not be sure that you mean it. Small amounts of the male sex hormone, testosterone, are in a man’s saliva. If a man kisses the same woman over weeks and months, it can automatically make her more receptive to sex. Kissing game could also be used as an opportunity you have been dreaming about to kiss a longtime crush. A kiss could be an expression of gratefulness, celebration, or even grief. A kiss can help give a strong heart, smooth our skin. In addition, relieve pain and avoid infections. Kissing could be a form of diet. The biggest and most romantic kissfest sponsored by Unilever toothpaste in the Philippines is called Lovapalooza. According to statistics, a goodbye kiss before going out of the house can increase your lifespan. A study found that 66 percent of women and 59 percent of men say that the quality of the first kiss can kill a relationship. In anticipation for a passionate kiss, you need to intimately gaze into your partners eyes before you start kissing at all. As you’re moving in, you ned to lean towards your partner and bend your head so that your lips are lined up with your partners.

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