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FACTS ABOUT RAPE & SEXUAL ASSAULT

WHO IS A RAPIST? A rapist is someone who sexually assaults another in an act that usually involves sexual intercourse or other forms of sexual penetration carried out against the person’s will or without that person’s consent. Rape is penetration, no matter how slight, of the vagina or anus with any body part or object, or oral penetration by a sex organ of another person, without the consent of the victim.” FACTS ABOUT RAPE Even though rape is not a gender-based issue, the fact remains that more women/girls are being affected. Rapists often see women as sex objects who are there to fulfill men’s sexual needs. Motives behind rape vary and are difficult to quantify. However, studies show that rapists have some common characteristics: Narcissism Lack of empathy Feelings of hostility towards women TYPES OF RAPISTS The opportunistic rapist – Rapists who seize any chance for sexual gratification, such as the loss of self-control on the part of their victim under the influence of alcohol. The sadistic rapist – Rapists whose motivation is to humiliate and degrade victims. The vindictive rapist – Rapists who have anger and aggression focused directly toward women. Such a rapist believes he is permitted to sexually attack women because he feels he has been hurt, rejected, or wronged by women in the past. SEXUAL ABUSE The main difference between sexual assault and sexual abuse is that sexual assault occurs to adults and sexual abuse occurs to minors or children. Typically, sexual abuse describes behavior committed toward a minor child. Children cannot consent to any type of sexual contact. ACTS OF SEXUAL ABUSE Exposing Oneself to a Minor Sexual Contact, Including Fondling and Intercourse Obscene Messaging Sex Trafficking: 50 percent of human trafficking victims are children, and the majority end up forced into the sex trade Pornography RED FLAGS FOR SEXUAL ABUSE Withdrawal from friends and usual activities Inappropriate sexual behaviors on the part of the child Sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) or signs of genital trauma Unexpected knowledge of sexual behaviors inappropriate given the child’s age Reluctance to spend time with a specific individual Regression in behavior – Reluctance to remove clothing HOW TO IDENTIFY POTENTIAL SEXUAL ABUSERS An adult who tends to want to spend excessive time with children, beyond their role in that child’s life. An adult who does not respect a child’s privacy or cues. An adult who spends more time with children and teenagers than their own adult friends. An adult who regularly discusses sexual behavior or feelings with children and teens. Frequently has “special friends” of a certain age range or appearance, which may change from year to year. An adult may become closer to specific children than seems appropriate or necessary, including taking that child for special trips or spending excessive time alone with that child. SEXUAL ASSAULT Sexual assault can describe a range of criminal acts that are sexual in nature, from unwanted touching and kissing to rubbing, groping or forcing the victim to touch the perpetrator in sexual ways. But sexual assault overlaps with rape because the term includes rape. assault describes a wide range of unwanted criminal sexual acts. Direct penetration, including oral, genital, and rectal penetration, all constitute rape. Rape includes any degree of penetration, including minor or slight penetration, committed as a deliberate act without the consent of the victim. As mentioned earlier, in cases involving sexual assault vs sexual abuse, sexual assault typically involves an adult victim. Sexual assault often occurs as a one-time event and includes any sexual contact not invited or wanted by the victim. Most often, when defining sexual assault, people think of rape; however, rape does not represent the only type of sexual assault. Sexual assault may also include: Forced Sexual Contact Unwanted Fondling or Touching Rape What should survivors do? Seek medical care Report to the authorities NGOs & Govt agencies FACTS Seek professional Counseling or Therapy

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FEMALE GENITAL MUTILATION IN NIGERIA

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Unfortunately, according to New York Times, 2 million additional cases of Female Genital Mutilation may occur over the next decade as a result of Covid 19. COVID-19 has shuttered schools and thereby disrupting programs that help protect girls from this harmful practice. FGM is widely practiced in Nigeria, and with its large population, Nigeria has the highest absolute number of cases of FGM in the world, accounting for about one-quarter of the estimated 115–130 million circumcised women worldwide. In Nigeria, FGM has the highest prevalence in the south-south (77%) (among adult women), followed by the southeast (68%) and southwest (65%), but practiced on a smaller scale in the north, paradoxically tending to in a more extreme form. Nigeria has a population of 150 million people with the women population forming 52%. The national prevalence rate of FGM is 41% among adult women. Prevalence rates progressively decline in the young age groups and 37% of circumcised women do not want FGM to continue. 61% of women who do not want FGM said it was a bad harmful tradition and 22% said it was against religion. Other reasons cited were medical complications (22%), painful personal experience (10%), and the view that FGM is against the dignity of women (10%). However, there is still considerable support for the practice in areas where it is deeply rooted in local tradition. I did a recent poll on FGM on social media, from people’s responses, it is obvious that Female Genital Mutilation is still going on in Africa and of course in Nigeria, even though The mental health, as well as the physical implications, are huge and devastating. If there are a lot of people advocating for this and creating awareness, this act will help people have a different mindset. In Nigeria, after nearly 13 years of trying to make a law against FGM, it was during the governance of Goodluck Ebele Jonathan, that this act was passed into law in May 2015. It was a milestone in the talk against FGM, as it signified governmental backing against a practice that held sway in Nigeria. Violence Against Persons Prohibition Act (VAPP) 2015, the anti-FGM law, was endorsed by the Nigerian Senate in May 2015. Unfortunately, to date, no one has been convicted despite the prevalence in Nigeria. This should scare everyone. Why are these people doing this in secret? And when caught, why are they not convicted? Why is no one coming out to report this case? According to the law, “a person who performs female circumcision or genital mutilation or engages another to carry out such circumcision or mutilation commits an offense and is liable on conviction to a term of imprisonment not exceeding 4 years or to a fine not exceeding N200,000 or both.” According to Rachel Arowolo, whose parents are firm believers in FGM, it is simply hard to condemn or report family members who are usually the culprits of female genital mutilations. For FGM, as with many other gender-based crimes, it stays in the family. “It will be difficult for one to take anyone to court because of how closely knitted our society is. We must do more in terms of bringing about behavior change” Why FGM should stop FGM has no known medical benefits to women and girls. In fact, according to the UNFPA, the attendant consequence of FGM are dire. “Complications include severe pain, shock, hemorrhage, tetanus or infection, urine retention, ulceration of the genital region and injury to adjacent tissue, wound infection, urinary infection, fever, and septicemia. Hemorrhage and infection can be severe enough to cause death,” UNFPA says. “Long-term consequences include complications during childbirth, anemia, the formation of cysts and abscesses, keloid scar formation, damage to the urethra resulting in urinary incontinence, dyspareunia (painful sexual intercourse), sexual dysfunction, hypersensitivity of the genital area, and increased risk of HIV transmission, as well as psychological effects,” the organization continued.!

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SOLVING THE PUZZLE OF ORGASM

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I get various questions on the topic, of orgasm. People have so many unanswered questions on their heads about the term orgasm, especially in this part of the world, where there is a very high level of ignorance. Some people have never heard of it, some heard and don’t really understand what it means and so many have never experienced it. In fact, some men argued that women are not meant to enjoy sex, sex is meant for procreation they say. I remember someone posted during a debate on my Facebook page that our grandmothers never experienced an orgasm and they only made love to make their husbands happy, he also believed that the desire to be sexually satisfied is the reason why women are misbehaving these days, he cannot be farther from the truth but that is Africa mentality for you. From experience as a sex therapist and marriage counselor, I won’t be exaggerating if I say 4 out of 5 marriages in Nigeria are having sexual issues, and because men’s sexuality is attached to their ego, coupled with the cultural and religious values here, which assigned a gender role of superhuman to the male folks. Even though the sexual relationship with one’s spouse should not be orgasm-based, It is the right of every woman to experience orgasm and besides one can only achieve a true level of physical and emotional sexual satisfaction through the experience called orgasm. Even though it is possible for men not to ejaculate/reach orgasm, it is more of a woman’s problem, men worry more about quality than quantity. Delayed ejaculation is a condition in which a man could sustain a prolonged erection without being able to ejaculate, this could be due to: Addiction to porn Addiction to masturbation Reaction to certain drugs Over-dependence on alcohol infection or certain health condition Psychological or relationship issues. For the benefit of this topic, I will be talking more about female orgasms. WHAT IS ORGASM? The word orgasm comes from the Greek word orga, meaning to explode with pleasure. It’s the climax of sexual pleasure, arriving suddenly after stimulation, and lasting just a few seconds. Research shows that orgasm is the most intense form of pleasure that human beings can experience, wow! The sensual rush is followed by a period of relaxation, satisfaction, and calm. Sounds interesting right? Follow me, let’s solve the puzzle….. WHAT HAPPENED WHEN ONE ACHIEVED ORGASM? MEN: When men ‘come’ or Orgasm, they ejaculate and their pelvic muscles contract. WOMEN: When women orgasm the clitoris retracts, the vagina, pelvic floor muscles, and uterus also contract in short bursts. A few women also secrete a whitish liquid during orgasm. This is known as ‘squirting,’ or female ejaculation. There is a possibility of feeling like you want to urinate during orgasm, never mistaken peeing with squirting. COUPLES: both partners’ heart rate will increase and blood vessels will dilate. Physical pleasure leads to the release of endorphins that create feelings of relaxation and contentment. Research shows that the hormone called oxytocin is released in large quantities during orgasm, this hormone is believed to promote bonding and hence monogamy in marriage. In a layman’s language, orgasm is an unexplainable experience, I usually say it’s a moment of insanity when you get to the point of no return. Almost everyone who has ever had an orgasm knows how a man feels, when he wants to ejaculate, the truth is that a woman should feel the same way when she reaches orgasm as well. POSSIBLE REASONS FOR NO ORGASM Clueless about how to make love Environmental distraction Unresolved domestic issues Lack of emotional connectivity Hormonal issues Lost of interest Unresolved financial issues Cultural or religious background HOW DOES ONE REACH ORGASM? There are two ways through which one [both men and women] can achieve orgasm. 1. Foreplay: This is the sexual activity that precedes lovemaking; it includes gazing, touching, kissing, necking, pecking, undressing each other, licking, etc. The extent and level one can go during foreplay depends on individual moral and religious belief, but what matters here is mutual respect and understanding with the desire to satisfy and make each other happy. Note that you should not be compelled to do what you are not comfortable with, and in as much as it’s not against the will of God, satisfying your partner is paramount. 2. Penetration: is principally the insertion and thrusting of a male’s penis, usually when erect, into a female’s vagina for the purposes of sexual pleasure or reproduction. Research shows that only about 20-25% of women will achieve orgasm through penetration and this most time depends on sex positions, so there’s a need to understand what position suits you best and if you have been trying to achieve orgasm through penetration without result, you are not alone. VAGINA ORGASM AND CLITORAL ORGASM Even though descent research has found that there are other erogenous spots located inside the vagina of a woman, i shall be concentrating on the well-known vagina orgasm and clitoral orgasm. 1. Vagina orgasm is also known as G-spot orgasm can be achieved by the penis touching the G-spot inside the vagina, the g-spot is located at the roof of the vagina about 2 inches inside of the vagina. Easier to locate with the finger and could only be touched by the penis in certain sex positions. G-Spot orgasm is explosive and more intense than vagina orgasm. It formed a spongy look when aroused. 2. Clitoral stimulation: The clitoris is a small, sensitive organ located at the top of the vulva, just above the urethra and the vaginal opening. It’s the easiest way to achieve orgasm for those who understand how to handle the clitoris.(I shall be talking about the amazing facts about the clitoris next week). HOW DOES ONE ACHIEVE ORGASM? It is common knowledge that women are a lot less familiar with orgasm; this is due

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HOW GENDER IDENTITY AFFECTS LOVE LANGUAGES

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Introduction A recent research shows that there are about a hundred gender identities in the world, but this article is concerned with straigh people who are in heterosexual relationships. Recent discovery in my practice as a sex therapist and couples counselor have shown alot of struggles amongs couples in sexless marriages, the truth is that we do not need long sessions to find out why this issue is so common in Africa, this is because an average african man equate romace to provision and protection, as much as the women are also conditioned to want same, the major part of them also want romace and emotional connection. Humans are intelligent and dominant species on earth. Like other creatures on earth, they have specific necessities and urges to get on with their lives. Food, wealth, and sex are among their fundamental needs. However, humans are divided into two different genders, just like every living being. You cannot compare humans with other beings regarding emotional and sexual desires. Furthermore, the complexity of human urges, desires, and needs is more profound than other beings. Please keep reading to find out how a man and a woman differ in sexual and emotional desires. Human Nature and Language of Love Writers have written Millions of songs, books, and articles on love. They have done so because it is the ultimate truth and the basic desire. It is imprinted like a digital code in their genetics to love and be loved. Men who don’t understand women’s actual needs often face breakups. Men who don’t understand women’s basic needs often meet breakups. For both genders, spending quality time with each other is most important. After that comes the urge to embrace each other and find comfort both physically and emotionally. It is prevalent among men that they are not entirely in touch with the emotional side of the language of love. Ultimately, they try to express themselves through physical contact, strength display, and masculinity, which works only a few times and fails occasionally. Why do Men Crave Sex? It is not a mystery that men love sex. They want to hold a woman and make love to fulfill their emotional and sexual desires. The control over their sexual desires is weak among men, while emotionally, they are strong. A recent study at Ohio State University brought some astonishing numbers. It was found that most younger males think of sex around 19 times a day. [York, 2019] Similarly, overthinking about sex is one cause why they want sex. Furthermore, masturbation among men is much more common than in women, which shows a higher sex drive among men than women. Furthermore, most men overlook women’s sentimental requirements and leave them emotionally unsatisfied. In truth, it is the understanding of the language of love which makes one a good lover. There are very few men who meet women’s criteria of a perfect lover and partner. Finally, a man who tends to his woman’s emotional side gets the most rewarding experiences of his life. Why do Women Seek Emotional Attachment? Women love a man who listens to them and connects with them emotionally while genuinely caring about what they have to say. Of course, sex is not an urge only associated with men; women have it too. However, controlling this desire is another topic. Women have excellent authority over their sexual urges but are emotionally weak and expect passionate attention. It has been discovered by many studies in numerous countries that most women showed a dislike towards masturbation which shows a lack of interest in self-pleasuring among women. However, women tend to find comfort with romantic partners who understand their emotional side. A recent study found that women who loved them and were committed to their partners experienced a morse satisfying sexual comfort. [state, 2014] Also, it can be a factor contributing to women’s romantic and emotional demands. Ultimately, for women, sex is much more than just sexual. Conclusion It will be best to understand that needs in relationships are different for both genders. You cannot hope to build a long-lasting and happy relationship if you only focus on your needs and desires without understanding the other’s side. What does your partner desire? How strong are they emotional? What makes them happy, and why do they become sad? What do they like to talk about? These are some of the questions you should ponder to develop an excellent relationship. Finally, you need to understand another question. Is my love life good? If it is not good, then what are you missing. Did you know that most breakups result from a partner’s inaccessibility? In women’s cases, the partner’s unavailability is primarily emotional, while in men’s case, it is sexual. Need help in fixing your sexless marriage, write to us at info@intimacyclinic.org or call our 24/7 helpline: +2348184575377.

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VALENTINE DEPRESSION, SHOULD YOU BE TALKING TO A THERAPIST?

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Even though valentine’s season is expected to be the season of love when everyone is happy and excited expressing their undying affection to the ones they love, surprisingly, some people might be going through what seems to be one of the worst seasons of their lives during valentine. As much as no one is expected to cut short their happiness because of others, when it comes to valentine, the level of insensitivity to other people’s feelings could be unavoidably alarming. Most times we get carried away with the euphoria of the period, forgetting that there are people around us who could be hurting. In fact, some research suggests that valentine’s day is the start of an annual rise in suicide rates that peaks in April. Especially in Africa, where Valentine is an imported celebration, just like we normally do with every other form of celebrations and special days, we take in everything from the western world hook, line, and sinker without putting measures in place to guide against excesses or negative implications. With the advent of social media, the world has become a global village, but the danger of this for Africa is the fact that we borrow a lot of culture from the west who have a working system, laws, and policies, while we wallow in the mental health implications of borrowed culture without putting guidelines or safeguarding measures in place. This is not far from the situation with valentine, African culture originally does not encourage romance, romance in Africa is measured by provision and defense, not all the sweet nothingness of sending flowers and chocolates and having a romantic getaway, hence the confusion around the sudden found foreign festival of love. When we do not understand the phenomenon of valentine, how then do we talk about its implication on the mental health of the singles, bereaved, or couples in crisis? As a matter of fact, the societal pressure on singles, especially the female folks is huge in Africa, the labeling, stigmatization, and frustration that the majority has to go through on a daily basis is already a lot. Being single at a certain age in Africa is like a disease, some house owners will never give out their accommodation to single ladies, waiters in bars and restaurants look at single women with disgust if they walk in alone without being accompanied by a man, neighbors tables you “Ashawo” meaning prostitutes when you are single, in fact, some parents will threaten to disown their daughter for not bringing a husband home at a certain age; the pressure is huge and the struggle is real! Combine this culture that sees marriage as the major measure of success, with the new waves of PDA and valentine craze on social media, then you will begin to understand why some people might be depressed or even worse still suicidal in this part of the world at this time. Why do people struggle with their mental health during valentine, especially in Africa: Stigmatization of individuals who are not in a relationship: African culture could make the most successful woman feel worthless without a man, it is the way the society is conditioned. Overly display of affection on social media: In a continent where twerking and living fake life drives the algorithms, single people or those struggling in their relationships could be feeling left out with all the displays of love, wealth, and romance on the internet. Going out to spend some alone time and show love to oneself might require extra effort at this time, especially when most of the relaxation centers believe that every woman needs a man to settle their bills. Social media in Nigeria has been filled with videos of proposals gone wrong, a situation people termed ‘serving breakfast” because valentine season is considered the season to show affection, the majority sees it as the opportunity to propose to their partner, unfortunately, the reality of the state of their relationship is confirmed by proposals rejection leading to disappointment, heartbreaks and possible depression for many. Talking to professional counselors or therapists is also not our thing, so individuals who are feeling left alone at this season are left to battle with their struggle alone, the majority do not even know they can seek help. Lack of professional help for those with spousal loss who could be triggered by the display of love in the season of valentine. Poverty is a big deal in Africa, those in relationships and don’t able to buy gifts or take their partners out for a tree might be feeling left out. The season comes with pressure and stress mounting pressure on couples to make time for each other and feeling obligated to act in certain romantic ways. A peep into the backend of my website showed what people are searching for online, vagina tightening gel, how to increase the size of the penis, how to make love like a pro, are some of the very popular searches during valentine. This buttresses the rise in performance anxiety among those in relationships. The new wave of children and teenagers getting involved in Valentine can throw some parents off-balance, especially in a culture where explanation and education on love and sex are almost nonexistent. “Stepping out today for a brief business meeting, which is the eve of valentine, was the worse decision of my life, no thanks to Lagos traffic, the whole city is jam-packed, restaurants are filled to the brim with car parks overflowing to the express and causing gridlock. Picking my phone to go on social media wasn’t a wise decision as well, everywhere is red with flowers, balloons, love quotes and notes as well as marriage proposals and exchange of gifts, its as if everyone has currently discovered what it Menas to be in love.” This is from Ajoke, one of my followers on social media. For those who are feeling left out as a result of not being in a relationship, just coming out of

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HOW TO LOVE YOURSELF

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People makes resolutions at the beginning of every new year; Plans on dos and don’ts, dreams and aspirations, targets and goals etc. Infact goal setting is usually a popular phrase at the beginning of the year. All these are good but the truth is that you cannot give what you do not have. You are the carrier of your dreams, the engine house that drives your ambition and the container that carries your aspiration, if you do not go through the journey of self discovery and be sure you’re capable of carrying what you hoped for, forget it. New year resolution should be about self discovery, about getting to know more about yourself, a deeper understanding of your self worth, self perception and self belief. No one can see you better than yourself and you can never achieve beyond what your mind perceives about you. If you are considering a new relationship, you had better known whom you are and the kind of person your personality deserves. If it’s about job, business or personal growth, wish all you can, set the most reasonable goals, spend days on the mountain and even fast for unending number of days, you cannot achieve beyond your capability. With this in mind, isn’t it important you work on yourself and prepare a worthy container that is capable of carrying your dreams? The way to do this is to love yourself. When you love yourself, you celebrate your little wins and have a clear direction on how to achieve the big ones. So how do you love yourself? 1. Find you: Who are you, what motivates you, why do you think the way you do, how do you even think, what are your strengths and weaknesses, what area of your life do you need to work on, what are your values, beliefs and self perception? How self aware are you? You need to understand yourself, only then can you put things in perspective and be genuinely convinced of how much love you think you deserves. 2. Find your passion: You can have all the money on earth and still not be happy, but when you find that one thing that gives use inner fulfilment as well as makes you feel good, you become proud of yourself at every wins and you tends to love yourself more. Your passion is connected to your mental health, there’s tendency to be happy and fulfilled when you’re doing what you love to do, again, they come so easy for you to do and that gives you a level of self confidence that boost your self worth and then self love. 3. Stop trying hard to please people: This is not to be nonchalant or insensitive, far from it, but the point here is to know who deserves your loyalty and the privilege of being in your space. The truth is, peoples’ perception about you has nothing to do with you, it’s not whom you are, they actually see you based on whom they are. So, no matter how hard you try to make yourself look small, it won’t change their mind about you. You want to love yourself? Don’t force yourself on anyone. 4. Practice meditation and mindfulness: As much as this sounds like what everyone does, if you take your mediation and mindfulness seriously, the way you see yourself will begin to change for better. There are different ways to practice meditation and mindfulness, find a simple steps to follow online and personalise it. Meditation, they say, is better than medication. 5. Work on your Impostor’s Syndrome: One study in the Harvard Business Review found that nearly 70% of people associate recognition with discomfort or embarrassment. You cannot afford to keep running away from accolades or think you’re not good enough for the position you occupy. You have worked hard for it, and you deserve all the recognition that comes along with it. 6. Improve on your poise and carriage: Raise your should high when you walk in the midst of crowd, keep a direct gaze when having conversations and avoid laughing unnecessarily. Do not try to shrink inside yourself when you’re not in your space. 7. Be genuine and reliable: As much as you do not want to be taken for granted, also make sure that your words are your bonds. Do not say what you don’t mean or commit to something you know you can’t finish. Be nice to people because those smiles you leave on their faces has a way of coming back to you. 8. Live Healthy: Eat right, exercise well, go outdoor, drink a lot of water and find a hubby. Do not live carelessly. Be deliberate about living a healthy lifestyle and it will come back to you by making you feel good about yourself. 9. Learn to say No: For so many of us, we have been conditioned to be docile and compliant right from childhood. A lot grew up in dysfunctional family settings where you dare not ask questions, you just obey. The tendency to carry this trait to adulthood is very high, and this is why most people are full of regrets and self blamed after taking certain actions, a situation that won’t stop them from repeating the circle again and again. You want to grow deeper in self love, learn to say no, even if you have to do it with explanation. 10. Learn to date yourself: Go to the cinema alone, go do fine dinning on your own, take a walk and enjoy your own space. When you don’t enjoy time alone with yourself, you tends to search for love and companionship in all the wrong places. 11. Stop the comparison: No one is you, stop trying hard to be a duplicate of another. Find your own unique self and concentrate on developing that. There are lots of capacity in you that are untapped because you’re busy trying to be whim you’re not. 12. Make Love: Sex

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Simple tips for giving a great head

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1. Be sure you’re dealing with a hygienic person. 2. Consider this an act of pleasure on its own not necessarily a prerequisite for penetration. 3. Be sure you’re on the same page with your partner. 4. Make up your mind to get pleasure from giving, don’t make it look unpleasant to you or you’re just doing it for her. 5. Get comfortable with bodily fluid and natural vagina smell. 6. It’s okay to ask her about what works for her. 7. Do not be too technical, rather try and connect emotionally. 8. Start gradually and build momentum. 9. Stay away from the vagina and concentrate on other parts until the vagina starts begging for your touch. 10. Do not dive into the clitoris, play with the pubic area, the labia, and the environs before touching the clitoris. 11. Be skillful about how to touch the clitoris. 12. Lick the clitoris in an upward movement direction and gently nibble and suck on it intermittently. 13. Take intermittent breaks away and touch other sensitive parts of the body as you build intensity. 14. Make eye contact. 15. Tongue on the clitoris and finger on the Gspot simultaneously gives a mind-blowing pleasure. Credit: @drtolu_thefixer www.intimacyclinic.org

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WHAT HAS AGE GOT TO DO WITH THIS?

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Age is one of the factors that need to be considered when choosing a life partner especially in this part of the world, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that the success of such a relationship depends on the age factor. If we say age is just a number, we won’t be far from the truth, and if we also say it matters, it’s not false as well. Research shows that women who marrieds men who are a little bit older than them enjoy more tolerance, understanding, and affection from such men, even though this might not be in all cases. Success in marriage depends largely on the level of understanding between couples as well as compatibility, Even if the wife is younger and there’s no understanding, that marriage might crash. Just like I stated earlier, significantly older men tend to be more tolerant and could be more possessive sometimes as well. One cannot state the benefits and disadvantages categorically, but these few are trends that are common to such relationships/marriage: Older men tend to be more tolerance and caring older men tend to be more possessive most time older men/women are more financially stable It’s difficult to command the needed respect to boost a man’s ego from an older woman in most cases There will be serious hurdles to cross in form of friends and family interference. Marrying someone with significant age differences shouldn’t be a big deal, at least it’s not in the developed world, but the fact remains that African has not developed to that level, a lot of people will frown at it and mount pressure that might start choking the relationship/marriage. To enter into this kind of relationship/marriage, there are a few questions one should ask: What is the motive? Are you entering that relationship because you are in love and will like to spend the resort of your life with that man/woman or you are doing it for material gain? If the motive is wrong the marriage will not survive. If the foundation is destroyed, what can anyone do? Are you ready to live with the consequences of your action? If you find yourself in a function where your friends’ spouses are almost their age, will you still be happy to flaunt your partner without feeling ashamed? You must be ready to stand by your decisions and see your choice as the best irrespective of what anyone thinks or says, if not there will be crises. Culturally or religiously speaking, the man remains the head of the family and not the other way round, as a woman, if you are dating or marrying a younger man, are you willing to respect him irrespective? When it comes to the issue of an ideal age gap between partners, there’s no one size fits all, or one age fits all. What works for couple A might not work for couple B, in as much as there is understanding and compatibility age remains a factor. But one should also consider the number of years especially when the older is a woman, 10 years and above might be a way too high even in the developed world, some people will still frown at outrageous age gap in such cases. I always counsel couples in this situation that they should keep their little secret to themselves as much as possible, the fewer people that know about their age differences the better for them. Having a wonderful marriage is not age-dependent though it could be a factor.

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WHY YOU’RE SINGLE AGAINST YOUR WISH

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Introduction: Tongues have started wailing, people are already looking at you whenever you are passing, your parents are on your case, and it’s looking as if singleness is now sickness. You don’t seem to be happy anymore and it’s as if every other good thing in your life does not count, to you, all you need to be fulfilled is to settle down and get a man. You look at yourself in the mirror and spot a small fine line under your eyes, “now I’m having wrinkles” you said to yourself, it’s as if your world has stopped moving, all because you want to change your status from single to married, no thanks to the society we live in. You don’t even care at this point, any man will do for you, you just want to be addressed with the prefix; MRS and that’s all that matters. And for the male folks, probably you get worried when your friend’s children call you ‘uncle’ or whenever your parents call and ask when you are going to give them a grandchild. Maybe, people in your vicinity have started asking questions about your sexuality and you are not comfortable with being single anymore. As a professional counselor and matchmaker, even though I might not be able to understand your feelings, because I’m not in your shoe, I can relate with what you are going through, and experience has thought me that most time, you are the reason why you are still single against your wish. Maybe, just maybe there are things you are not doing rightly, check out these few points, which I think might help you find your feet. 1. Unreasonable expectations: It baffles me when I listen to the criteria some ladies are setting up for their man, he must be tall, dark, handsome, God fairing, caring, loving, well built, straight fingers, clean, blah blah…. It’s good to desire good things, but while desiring all these qualities, it is paramount to understand that nobody is perfect. When people walk into my office for matchmaking and they start listing some unreasonable expectations, I usually make them realize that they should consider the fact that they are not perfect before searching for a perfect spouse. The men these days are not helping matters either, you want a rich girl that can provide for you while you fold your arms, that is trying to change the natural cause of things, and in fact, any marriage built on that will not last. She must be tall, fair, straight legs, big boobs, big ass, etc, stuffs like these are good but shouldn’t be the foundation on which your marriage will be built. When you set expectations that are outrageous for yourself, getting the right person to meet such expectations becomes an issue. So if you feel you should have been married but you are still single against your wish, maybe you need to review your expectations and understand that just the way it is in economics, when it comes to choosing a life partner, there should be a scale of preference, and you must have your opportunity cost and alternative forgone. 2. Overrating yourself: ‘I am so beautiful, I can have any man of my choice, if it doesn’t work out with this one, another guy will always come’…. These are reasons why so many get to the black market before realizing it was too late, you need to understand the Yoruba adage that says “ile obinrin kinpesu”, meaning that it’s advisable for young ladies to make hay while the sun shines. Some men also feel they are the all in all, after all, I’m so handsome, I have a good job, and I can get any lady I want, this can keep you unnecessarily single than usual. Do not overrate yourself and lose a good man/woman; a mistake that that is keeping so many singles in their parents’ home to date. 3. Spiritual confusion: ‘I don’t love him, but God says I should marry him. I remember counseling a 40 years old successful career woman, she actually came to my office to register for matchmaking, her excuse for getting married late was that God chose for her a man he felt nothing for and told her not to marry the man she cared about. I told her, this is not possible because God is not an author of confusion. When it comes to the issue of whom to marry, apart from the leading of the Holy Spirit, you are totally responsible for your action. This is not the time of Adam and Eve when Adam complained to God that he was misled by the woman He gave to him, today you can’t shift the blame on God or anyone, you will face the consequences of your action, that is why the word of God says he that finds a wife finds a good thing, you must do the finding with the help of Holy Spirit to obtain the favor that follows. Do not get caught up in the web of spiritual confusion, if not you will be 40 before you realize what is going on. It is good to seek the face of God and the leading of the Holy Spirit, but running from pillar to post in the name of spiritual guidance will tie you down unnecessarily. 4. Unsociable temperamental: Human beings are different and a lot of factors affect who we individually turn out to be. Cultural factors, genes, upbringing, spiritual influence, social factors, all contribute to whom we will turn out to be. A lot of people has a very phlegmatic nature and this makes them find it difficult to relate well with people, especially the opposite sex, these set of people will never fight for what they love even when they are dying to have it. For some it could be the spiritual background, in fact, some consider it a sin relating or talking with the opposite sex, and by

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POSSIBLE REASONS YOU COULD BE STRUGGLING WITH MONOGAMY

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It is always said that men are polygamous in nature, a myth that most people have come to believe and adapted as their reality. According to research, there are more than fifty (50) different types of non-monogamous relationships being practiced, a situation where people could choose to be in a relationship with more than one partner. Such as being in a financial relationship with one partner, in an emotional relationship with another, and in a sexual relationship with another. Whereas there are set boundaries, all partners involved are aware and have an understanding of what they are getting into. The point here is that it’s okay if you don’t want to be in a monogamous relationship, but if you want to be there, then there’s a need to be sure of what you are going into and be ready to stick it out. Unfortunately, this is not our reality; people go into monogamous relationships believing that it is impossible to be monogamous, which sounds like deceit, and the reason I think the majority struggle with being in one partner. A lot of people are frustrated and stuck in a bad relationship in the name of being monogamous. Maybe if we understand monogamy better, it will help us to do better. Here are some possible reasons you could be struggling with monogamy? Wrong conditioning in parenting style: A situation where children are trained that the yardstick for success is only attached to marriage. For instance, in the African setu,p especially for women. Where she’s seen as a failure when unmarried, even if she is successful in other areas of her life. This culture makes unmarried females feel unsuccessful if they are unmarried. Even the men are termed failures and irresponsible when not married or have a woman in their lives. With this conditioning, people go into monogamy trying to please people, trying to follow the set rules and standards, a mindset that could lead to struggling to keep up with the demands of what they are not ready or prepared for. Normalizing jealousy as the indicator of love: We tend to make it look as if the moment we enter monogamy, we own the other person, such that we have to dictate where, when, or how the person moves or functions. When excessive jealousy is normalized, then the people begin to struggle as a result of not being allowed to be themselves. In most cases, to avoid confrontations or altercations with other people, people tend to lose their personality, for example, keeping up to avoid confrontations between partners and maybe a co-worker, a salesperson, a friend, etc. This will result in unfulfillment, and tension could set in. Thinking it is impossible to get attracted to anyone else because you are intensely in love: People put pressure on monogamy, and therefore struggle through it because they consider it impossible to get attracted to another person just because they are already in love with someone. A man could have an erection after seeing a beautiful lady, even when he’s in love and in a monogamous relationship with his partner, but it does not mean he needs to act on it. Blaming oneself for feelings of being attracted to another is an unnecessary expectations that mount pressures on monogamy, as a human, you can get attracted to another. It is okay to be in a relationship or marriage and still be attracted to another person; you do not have to act on the attraction. Expecting one person to meet all your needs: Be it spiritual, emotional, sexual, personal, or the need for intimacy, expecting only one person to meet all your needs will only lead to exhaustion and thereby struggles. It is okay to have friends who could be of the same sex or opposite sex, depending on what you can handle, as long as you know when and where to draw the boundaries. Human beings are social beings in the first place, and therefore need other people to function optimally. There’s a need to relate to others and make friends. Free yourself; marriage is not bondage. We have misunderstood monogamy to the extent that people mount unnecessary pressures on their relationship by taking too much from just one person, leading to struggle and frustration. Monogamy is not the problem, but the unreasonable expectations. Believing that it is impossible to cheat: Some believe that because you are in a monogamous relationship, you cannot cheat. Thereby setting unnecessary standards. As much as there’s no excuse for cheating in a committed relationship, believing that you are automatically immune to cheating is unreasonable. Not having a life: This is very similar to point number four above; not having a life outside one’s monogamous relationship can put a strain on the relationship. There’s a need to have dreams, aspirations, ambitions, there’sa need to define your individuality in a couple relationship, most people fail to do this, thereby demanding too much. Even if one chooses to be a stay-at-home mum/dad, there’s still a need to have a life purpose outside marriage. Overrating marriage as a lifetime medal could lead to a struggle in a monogamous relationship. Believing that your value is the value your partner places on you: Not being able to determine individual values could cause inner conflicts for someone in a monogamous relationship. No single individual is value-neutral; there’s a need to understand that the parties in a monogamous relationship are individuals from different backgrounds. You cannot afford to ascribe to yourself only the value ascribed by your partner. Find yourself. Who are you? Only then can you find stability in your monogamous relationship. Believing that love is all that matters: Love matters, but it’s not all that matters. Going into a monogamous relationship just because you are in love will lead to struggles. There’s a need for compatibility in other areas of your lives. Do you have common goals, enjoy common recreations, etc.? Coming up with statements like, “if our love is strong, it is

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