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MARRIAGE IS HARD

Recently, my parents celebrated their 40th anniversary. As we were celebrating, I leaned over and asked my father what he felt about being married for 40 years. He looked at me and said, “It’s pretty depressing knowing that you have been married longer than you have been single!” He smiled, laughed and then quoted, “Never take it too seriously. Remember to have joy in the journey. Life is to be enjoyed, not just endured.” I have noticed a lot of things that people say or write about marriage. For example, there are, “The Top 3 reasons to Help Strengthen Your Marriage” or “5 things I wish I’d Known Before I Got Married. As I read these articles, I felt a little depressed because of how they started out. Almost every article started out like this: “Well, the first two years of our marriage was really really hard and I almost felt like leaving or getting a divorce but I’m glad I didn’t.” They would say after the first years of marriage things became a lot better. So my question is: Why was it so hard for the first years of marriage? Here’s why I believe people think marriage is so hard. THE EASY WAY OF LIFE The number one reason is we all like the easy route in life. I mean, if there’s an easy way, and it’s not dangerous, we’d be dumb not to take it, right? We get so used to finding that easy way because we live in a world where information is at our fingertips and things come instantly. A true marriage bond is something that cannot happen with a snap of fingers. Of course, you can get married on a whim in Las Vegas. You might have a paper that certifies your marriage, just like any other ceremony out there. But to reach a true marriage bond, true love takes time. That’s why I love to see a couple who has been married for more than 40 years and still love each other. NO TWO PEOPLE ARE ALIKE Reason number two is because when two people come from totally different backgrounds, have different personalities and try to make things work you’re going to have issues. You’re going to have obstacles but that’s what this life is all about. It’s not about instant gratification. It’s not about getting things easily. SPORTS AND MARRIAGE I think back when I was first learning how to play hockey. I would consider myself a fair athlete. I had some natural ability to play sports–football, soccer, basketball, and baseball came easily. Now, I was no superstar but I could play those sports and, without much effort, become an average player. But when I wanted to play hockey, it took a lot of effort and hard work on my part to learn how to play. I felt hockey was one of the hardest sports out there. I not only had to learn how to skate and how to handle a small puck with a stick. I also had to avoid huge monsters that were coming to knock the crap out of me. But I fell in love with the sport. I absolutely loved it! There was nothing I thought of more. I can honestly say learning how to play hockey was really really hard but I wouldn’t change those times learning how to skate and how to shoot. I never had so much fun trying to learn how to play. If I would have just been born great and never really had to work at playing then I probably wouldn’t have the love for hockey that I do now. Every time I go skating, the flood of emotions fills me as I remember all the memories from those days. CHICK FLICK FILMS I would never trade that hard work and to me that’s what marriage is–you have to learn how to work hard for it because it will not come easy. If you think it will come easy then you’ve been watching too many Hollywood chick flick films about how two people magically begin to love one another and they have a fairy tale ending. One of my biggest peeves against chick flicks is when you watch, one of the main characters has to change and they change overnight and the couple will live in marital bliss the rest of their lives. It’s never that easy and I don’t think it’ll ever be that easy because if it was, no one would ever appreciate what they really have. Yes, marriage is hard but that doesn’t mean it’s not worth it. What in this world is ever easy and if it is, people take it for granted. It’s those who work hard for the values they hold close who understand it is the joy in the journey. It is finding the joy through the hard work that you’re doing. HARD WORK PAYS OFF ,NOW AND AFTER. Hockey was hard at first but when I started to learn and was able to get a little bit better, it became fun and exciting and I got good. To me, marriage is the same way once you work at it day by day, little by little. If you work hard at it, then something happens and you start to change. You will start wanting to put your spouse’s and your children’s needs above your own to feel that pure joy. In this life, it’s all about serving other people. It’s all about feeling that true love for someone other than yourself. People think when they hear “it’s hard” they automatically think that it isn’t fun or there is no joy in “it’s hard”. Those who think that are the ones that have never truly lived. They have never really learned what it feels like to work hard for something that you love. CULLED FROM MARRIAGE FAMILY STRONG

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MERCY AIGBE WAS JUST WRONG

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This is just pitiful and sad. The things that individuals endure in order to keep the society happy is beyond our imagination. I sincerely believe that if things go this way, the institution of marriage will be totally destroyed. Mercy Aigbe states categorically that she stayed in an abusive relationship because SHE WANTS TO STAY MARRIED. What then do we say to a society that makes you and yet destroys you? Why would you stay faithful to people who do not even think about you beyond the comments they post online? When would celebrities learn that you do not live your life for us? Ladies and gentlemen, the society feeds on information, information which will always be available because you provide it. Dear celebrities, please, do not live your life for us, live it for yourself!! I am trying so hard to work up some sympathy for this case, but really, enough of celebrities enduring trash for OUR SAKE.

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MAIDEN NAME vs MARRIED NAME

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Ever heard of a woman vs. wife vs. mom identity crisis? I curse these maiden name vs. married name dilemmas. Who am I? At this point in my life, I do feel like I know who I am. But, ask me to put it on paper and, well, I start feeling weird. Disrespectful. Wrong too. When I got married, I made a snap decision to keep my maiden name and now as a mom I feel like I made a huge mistake. Back when I got hitched, keeping my maiden name seemed like an empowering thing to do. Yeah! I’m modern! Fabulous! I didn’t change it because parting with it was inexplicably very scary for me at the time (no, it had nothing to do with having any doubts about who I was getting married to, that I was sure of). I just (selfishly?) liked the way my name sounded. (Always have. Vanity alert.) I’d also just gotten a big new job literally a week before my wedding and I happened to (vainly) like the way my named looked across the bottom of the TV screen (I was working as a TV host and reporter). My name doesn’t match the people that are most important to me, which makes me sad, guilty, confused and scared. I also (again, vainly) liked the way I felt when I heard me say my own name while working: “Jill Simonian here, ” With every shallow, on-air reporting tag I’d say, all the hard work I’d managed to pull off and the person I eventually became flashed through my mind. Looking back, I irrationally tied my maiden name so tightly to who I was. I linked my maiden name to all the life experiences that all young women cope with: heartbreaks, good plans gone wrong, triumphs, disappointments and also the strength I was required to develop to overcome those things life throws all of us. (I think most of us have these same feelings as women? Or maybe I’m just nuts.) Giving up my name felt like I’d be giving up the inner strength I’d toiled for years and years to earn. Giving up my name meant that I’d be snapped back to a place of not knowing who I was and what I stood for. And that scared me. My husband was indifferent about the whole name change and hyphenating was a no-go (thanks to the ridiculous length of letters should I put both our names together in a row). So that was that. Decision made. I’d stay Jill Simonian. But now, hearing my 4-year-old say that her last name is my maiden name (because she hears me say it to others) makes me wince. I cringe inside when someone addresses me as Ms. Simonian when I’m out with my husband. I feel disconnected to my husband, to my kids and to most parents at our preschool when they see my maiden name pop up on emails and don’t know which name to address me by. (For the record, I answer to both my kids’ names and my name and have started signing my husband’s and kids’ last name on all school-related paperwork to make things simple). And let’s not even talk about what my parents have said about this. Reality has hit me after one wedding and two babies in the last five years: My name doesn’t match the people that are most important to me, which makes me sad, guilty, confused and scared. All the feelings I was trying to avoid in the first place. Huh. I blame my kids for this. So why have I not changed my last name given all these conflicting feelings? Because, after much soul-searching (and Internet searching for what doing it now actually entails) this mom still feels like that young girl who fought, toiled, did, tried, cried and overcame. One day, when they’re older, I’ll tell my little girls all about that young woman and how selfish, stupid choices in life must be lived with—but also how they (sometimes) work out. What are your thoughts on this? Did you keep your maiden name, why or why not?

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63 YEAR OLD WOMAN PUTS TO BED.

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The 63-year old woman, Margaret Davou, is said to be the oldest African woman to conceive and give birth through IVF. Margaret shares her story with Vanguard, she says ; I have been married for 38 years without a child but at 63 years, having looked for this baby for many years, God decided to answer my prayer, I am very happy having her. I give all glory to God because He is the one who did it. The next paragraph is what got to me. The story of a queen is incomplete without the actions of a king. This is why emphasis cannot be placed enough on marrying the right person, marrying the right person assures you that through thick and thin, that individual will stick with you. In the true sense of it, some of the battles of life cannot be won if we do not have the right partner, because this individuals either fight with you, abandon you or cause the battle. CHOOSE RIGHT. My husband and I have been praying, trusting God, and I have gone through many types of operations, all in the quest to get pregnant and at last, I thank God that He did not disappoint us, God helped my husband and I because we did not stop trusting Him”. It is a pity that some families get into a lot of problems because of childlessness but I appeal to husbands to be patient. I thank God for my husband because he has the fear of God. Throughout the period of waiting, he did not threaten me, he did not give me ultimatum, and he was not talking about another wife but was always supporting me. Speaking on Margaret’s conception and childbirth, the Medical Director, GynaeVille Specialist Hospital, Dr. Kenneth Egwuda, also said; “She visited us with a desire to achieve conception, her age was 62 at that time so we started the treatment. Initially the age was not very striking to me, maybe it was an oversight because physically, she looked very strong for her age and was okay, she did not have any metabolic disease or any ageing illness apart from the hypertension which also affects any other person either young or old. “When we did investigations, we discovered that she was fairly in a good health condition to attempt this modality of treatment. She’s been married for 38 years without an issue, not even a miscarriage, she has had a lot of surgeries all in an attempt to improve her lot of getting pregnant but to no avail, and she has had tubal and fibroid surgeries. She has had this IVF procedure, three other times in different hospitals before coming to us. Two were done Abuja and one in Markudi, this is the fourth time. While I was working and training in London, we had this debate about the age of people who should be permitted to have this treatment and the debate cut-off was 50, 52 years because at that age, you are supposed to look at a woman with great caution. Although it is not a standard across the globe. So we commenced the treatment for this woman and the only attempt she had with us, she was favored by God and she was conceived a few months later through assisted reproduction technology. IVF is a game of chance, there is no guarantee that you will get pregnant whenever you have it but of course, the quality of care you have in a place improves your chance of being pregnant. What then shall we say….CONGRATULATIONS! Culled from Vanguard Nigeria

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Take a CHILL PILL.

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At a certain age, you stop dating for fun and start dating with marriage in mind. Well, that’s the way it should be for anyone that’s not just looking to get laid and move on. I’ve been single for most of my life because of this. Sure, I’ve had some “semi-serious” relationships in my past. The ones where you talk about your future with the other person, but mostly because that’s just the next step. You’re comfortable with that person. You’re not unhappy with them, so you try to imagine a future with them. You talk about the future in hopes that the more you talk about it the more you can actually see it happening. But 9 times out of 10, all that talk just makes you realize that it’s just that… nothing but talk. What you do once you realize that it’s just talk is what really matters. I think even those “semi-serious” relationships were a big part of my life. They’ve helped me learn and grow. They’ve shaped me into the woman I am today. They’ve helped me become a better future wife to the man I will marry someday. However, had I decided to continue a relationship with someone because I was comfortable with them or because I wasn’t necessarily unhappy with them, I would’ve likely wound up unhappy at some point later in life. There’s nothing wrong with being comfortable. I think when the right person comes along you’ll be more comfortable with them than you’ve ever been with anyone else. The right person will push you just out of your comfort zone just enough to help you grow in the right ways. They will help you grow into a better person, so that in turn you can better contribute to the relationship. While you may be comfortable with the right person, you’ll also be slightly scared because for the first time you can actually envision a future that you never have with anyone else. Go with that fear. I’m convinced that fear is better than settling. It has to be. There’s a saying that says, “Nothing ever grows in a comfort zone.” I think this same principle can be applied in relationships. Stop settling for comfort. If you can’t push your significant other out of their comfort zone to improve your relationship, your relationship will probably never grow. If anything, it will probably suffer. The point of a relationship (in my opinion) is to help each other grow into better people. Sure, there’s all that lovey dovey rainbows and butterflies stuff. What’d Maroon 5 say? “It’s not always rainbows and butterflies. It’s compromise that moves us along.” Yes, I know. It’s corny. But, it’s true. The best relationships have their highs. But every relationship has its lows. I believe the right person for you will fight through the lows, so you can both come out stronger. So you can reach a new high together. It may not always be the case, but from witnessing friends and loved ones that have dated and/or married someone they were “comfortable” with, the lows didn’t bring new highs. The lows brought out the ugly in the relationship. It brought out blame and guilt trips and digging up the past. It brought out name calling and threats and words that can never be taken back. You can take this whole thing with a grain of salt because, like I said, I’ve been single most of my life. Who really wants to get relationship advice from the single chick? Probably not many people. What I can say is this… while there haven’t been many men to make me truly happy in a relationship, I’ve been able to find true happiness in all of my singleness. I’ve been able to find comfort in myself. I’ve been able to make myself into a stronger person by myself, so I’ll be ready to give the best of me when the right man does come along. So, if you’re willing to listen to the single chick dishing out relationship advice, please don’t settle. You deserve the best. You deserve someone who you will not just be comfortable with, but someone who will make you completely and undeniably happy. Wait. Wait for someone who brings out the best in you. Wait for someone who will fight through the valleys in your relationship, so that you can reach your mountain tops together. Wait for the person that you can not only see a future with, but you couldn’t see living another day without. Wait. And in all that waiting, be comfortable with yourself. Be happy with yourself.

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3 Things to learn from Married Friends

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It saddens me when I hear time and time again of single people who have disconnected with friends because their friend had gotten married. Some say they feel their friend who is now married, doesn’t have the time of day for them and they have somehow drifted apart. Some single people choose only to socialize with other single people, perhaps because they feel they have nothing in common with them or nothing to offer. I would like to share my positive experiences of friendship with married people and about how I believe building relationships with married people can be fulfilling and how you can learn from them if you yourself one day desires marriage. Here are three great reasons why single people need married friends. Learning how to outwork selflessness As a single person, it could be so easy to fall into the trap of being selfish. That’s not to say that married people have it figured out, but the reality is that I can come home from work, watch what I want, eat what I want, not call or text anyone if I don’t want to. My house is mine, my food is mine, my time is all mine. Married people, on the other hand share their space, their food, their finance and their duvet. If they have kids, they have to make plans around them and each other’s schedules. I’m certainly not saying that all single people are selfish and all married people are the purest example of selflessness but you can see how it could be easy for a single person to shut out the world and think only of themselves and their needs. It’s taken me a few years, but I have started to figure out that as a single person it’s necessary to put into practice selflessness. In befriending married people I have learned where, as a single person with no dependants, I could offer practical help and support. It’s through my friendship with married people that I’ve been able to exercise my ability to spot a need and do what I can to help. Learning to be selfless through acts of kindness and simply sticking around when times are tough are small steps towards outworking selflessness. 2 . Becoming Family A lot of single people feel lonely. In fact, single people can feel lonely even among a group of people. Often what single people are looking for is a sense of belonging, after all God Himself said that it’s not good for man to be alone (Genesis 2:18). As humans, we have a God-designed desire for companionship – we’re not meant to live isolated lives. In developing a friendship with married friends, I have had the honor and privilege of building up a relationship with them and with their kids. Kids are great and they are a massive blessing, but they can also be hard work. Through being friends with married people who are parents, I saw how they sacrificially give to their kids day in and day out and at times I realized it was important for them to have a break or time out for themselves. In seeing this, I began to offer to babysit, open up my home to my friends and their kids, learning to share my home, my time, my finances and my food. In essence, they became family to me. Whilst it’s not practical – or even appropriate – for me to be around them all the time, like with any family member I’m there to help whenever they need it and visa versa, as well as having the option of simply spending time with them. Witnessing Married Life One of the biggest values of having married friends and being welcomed into their lives like family is that I get to witness what married life is truly like. If you’re a single person and your only experience of married friends is via social media, let me tell you this: you are seeing a perfect vision of marriage which does not exist. The true value of having friends who are married, and spending quality time with them is witnessing the rough with the smooth and getting a true picture of what marriage is really like, away from the perfect frame of social media. I see my friends walking hand-in-hand, I see them disagreeing over seemingly minor things, I see them interacting with their kids and with each other, I witness the frustrations which may surface with each other. I see two humans navigating life together. Sometimes they get it wrong, sometimes they get it spot on and sometimes I see them working through something with diligence and patience. Sometimes I see selfishness and sometimes I see selflessness. If marriage is giving of yourself selflessly for another. If marriage is wanting the best for another. If marriage is being a blessing even when it’s hard. If marriage is juggling life with maybe a couple of kids in tow, then maybe my married friends have given this single person the greatest and most important lessons I could ever learn. If you are a single person, it could be so easy to either wallow in loneliness, be self-absorbed or selfish to only satisfy your own desires. It could be easy to become single-minded to the point of limiting your circle of friends to only those of the same relationship status. We would be emotionally poorer if we limited our circle of friends in this way. Instead, I encourage you to step outside of yourself and your comfort zone to focus on others. Challenge yourself to befriend married people, to become more selfless and in doing so, you will become family to others. I became an aunt to kids whom I was in no way connected by DNA. I learned to be selfless and a blessing to others, in doing so I learned what it was like to juggle two boys, prepare meals for them, get them ready for bed, watch endless

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INFO FOR SINGLES….

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There are so many things I wish I would have known as a single woman; so many things I wish someone could have told me. When it came to relationships with guys, there are so many things I didn’t know. I often struggled with understanding my value and my worth, and my identity was far from established. If I had the knowledge that I have now and the perspective I’ve acquired, it would have saved me a lot of heartache and grief along the way. As a relationship counselor, author, wife, and mother- there are so many lessons I’ve learned along the way. Here are some of the things I’ve learned, that I wish someone would have told me: 1. The most important person you can get to know, is yourself. It’s amazing how many hours I spent getting to know guys. Countless hours and energy were spent trying to figure out who they were, what they liked, and how to get them to like me. But sometimes, we can get so caught up in finding the right guy, that we end up losing ourselves. What I’ve learned over the years is this profound truth that the most important person you should get to know- is yourself. When it comes to finding the right guy and getting into a healthy relationship- you can’t know what you want until you know who you are. Take the time to get to know yourself, it’s the best decision you’ll ever make. 2. You will attract the kind of guy you think you are worth. The truth is that we all come with some sort of a price tag. And the crazy thing is, what determines our price tag isn’t the measurement of our waist or the size of our boobs. It isn’t determined by how many boyfriends we’ve had, or how many Facebook friends. The price tag is determined by one person and one person alone: yourself. We are ourselves the price tag that we think we deserve, and then we’re purchased at that cost. It’s important to get real with the value we place on ourselves, and realize how valuable we are, because we have been made by a God who said so. A God who saw we were worth so much, and paid a high cost just to prove it. One thing I wish someone would have told me, is that if you want to attract someone who values you, you’ve first got to value yourself. 3. Actions always speak louder than words. I have to be honest, I’m a words girl. I love words. I’m a writer and a counselor, and I use words to communicate every day of my life. But one thing I wish I would have realized back then, is that actions speak so much louder than words. I’m sure we all agree with that statement, but how many of us hold to that when it comes to relationships with the opposite sex? Guys who can talk the talk someone manage to sneak into our lives and into our hearts- before they’ve earned the right to be there by their actions. One thing I would have done differently, is instead of making excuses for the men in my life- I would have allowed their actions to speak for them. It would have saved me so much time, and so much heartbreak. 4. Your body is just a fraction of who you are. I remember days of fixating on my physical appearance. I even remember my mood could be altered based on how I was looking that day. Good hair day, equaled good mood. Bloated, PMS day, equaled down and depressed mood. When it comes to the value I placed on my body, I have to say- I had it all wrong, and I sometimes still do. Now that I’m in a loving marriage, I realize that while it’s important to take care of myself- what makes me most beautiful to my husband has very little to do with my hair, my outfit, or my weight. He’s enamored by my heart, my passion, and my character. He fell in love with my humor, my honesty, and my strength. Those are the things he loves, and the things that hold us together. There are so many external things I focused on that added very little to the equation of who I was. If I could go back, I would have developed my character far more than I focused on my cuteness. 5. Your story has far more to do with who you are than who you’re with. I think the most foundational truth that I’ve learned now that I’m a married woman, is that my life has far more to do with finding my purpose than it does with finding the love of my life. I love my husband, and I’m blessed by the marriage we have- but I realize that this relationship is just part of the bigger picture God has for my life. My purpose, my security, and my value weren’t resolved in the arms of my man. There is so much more that God has made me to be, and so much more that I want to become. Finding love is just part of the equation of my life’s story — and it’s only part of yours as well. Seek to find your purpose, your security, and your passions even while standing alone. Because one thing I wish I would have known, is that you’ll never regret investing in yourself. No matter who you are or what you’ve been through, my prayer is that you learn from my mistakes, because a simple perspective shift can make the difference in your life, and also in your relationships. Deb Fileta.

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MARRIED AND MANAGING

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I remember growing up with the girls in secondary school then, of course we had big dreams and aspirations. Our hopes were high and nothing could bring us down from fantasy land even if it tried really hard. The human mind is geared towards optimism and positivism at that age, nothing could go wrong with all the plans we had in mind then. Do we blame the teenagers and young adults for believing that reality cannot be as cruel as we make it? I don’t!! After secondary school, four years in the university and an extra one year for NYSC in this part of the world (Nigeria) I met Halima, my dream partner in school. She was married and had a daughter; she had been married for 5years. Halima had wanted 8 kids when were in school, she had grown up in a large household and that’s what she wanted for herself too. So, Halima, what happened to the remaining 7? I asked She said, ‘babes, I am married now, the reality is different, I can’t even cope with this one i have. I am married and just managing myself. Married and managing? What happened to the dreams and goals we wrote down and swore to uphold come what may? She said my sister, ‘LIFE HAPPENED’. Our childish dreams and fantasies tend to be lost along the way, we are almost sure that through it or in it, life would always happen one way or the other. A mentor of mine would say, you can’t be married and enduring. You are not in a marriage; you are in a partnership gone wrong. In relationships and marriages today, the effects our childhood memories and fantasies play are quiet obvious. We believe so hard in the dreams we had as kids that we forget the very constant thing ‘CHANGE’, not Buhari’s change in this context (if you know what I mean). Our relationships and marriages cannot be based on the fantasies we made as kids, our relationships cannot be based simply on the fact that he/she doesn’t fit the box you have built for your status quo .Our relationships will not thrive on the features only but most importantly on in-depth and core values. Why? Life will always happen. Life does happen, but you have the opportunity to choose the kind of life that you want. Maybe, just maybe out of the change that is inevitable you could still weave in the fantasies of childhood. But, when life begins to happen other things like purpose, vision, clarity, habits, in laws, finances, sex, medical terms becomes the focus. The paradigm shifts drastically from the features to core values. I daresay that even as life begin to happen, we should be smart enough to a build long lasting and enjoyable marriage. This would only come through hard work, tenacity and determination. Dreams and fantasies do not have to give way if we make them more realistic and achievable. Would you rather be married and managing or married and living the life? What we perceive of life changes by the second through real life experiences and lessons we hear from many others. Enjoy your marriage, it might not be the picture you had at 16, but it can be worthwhile. All you got to do is CREATE ANOTHER PICTURE.

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THE YOU,YOU DONT KNOW.

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Many times, I subliminally dig into people’s subconscious mind through quality questioning and they tell me their life stories without being asked. When I hear these stories, I understand the root of many things they do and may not know why they do them. I go on to lead them from their subconscious to their conscious using quality questioning to let them see why things are the way they are for them. They sigh, cry, jump up and have different reactions, which precede their healing and deliverance. Many people maintain a public facade to cover up many things in their private life. Some do not even know they are covering something up until they are faced with situations that expose them and they begin the search for an excuse to cover it up again. I’ve seen many sexual addicts championing the cause of abstinence. I’ve seen many people who live in a violent home, which they can’t leave but champion causes that speak against domestic violence. Sadly, they get angry or they lose their cool if you touch that part of their private life and make you wonder if you said anything wrong. But you didn’t – you just touched their blind spot. I read about a man in the UK who has an NGO sheltering and catering to the needs of women whose husbands batter yet he batters and cheats on his wife. He stopped his wife’s musical career and asked her to abort when she got pregnant because he wasn’t ready for fatherhood yet he got a concubine pregnant and asked her to keep it. The NGO paints a picture of a man who loves humanity but he’s the opposite at home. People like this man abound. They live a life of facade – a showy misrepresentation intended to conceal something unpleasant in their life. Some do it consciously but some, unconsciously. You say she’s rude and arrogant but that could be a coping mechanism for her. Maybe she was bullied as a child and she wants to prove she’s no longer that timid child now that she is grown. So, arrogance became her coping mechanism. You say he’s very defensive but that attribute could be a way of covering his inadequacy. You disagree with him and he sees you as the enemy. If you dig deep, it could be that he grew up in a family where antagonising one another was the order of the day. And so, he sees every critic as an antagonist and enemy. He may not even know why he’s doing such until he’s able to go back to his upbringing and some events that hold great emotional significance for him. See, don’t judge people by first or last impression until you understand where they are coming from. People are not really their behaviour. Events and time have ways of bringing people’s blind spot out. Just be humane enough to help them and if you can’t help, be empathetic enough to not judge them. MATTHEW FEMI-ADEDOYIN

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Traits of a Healthy Single.

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The world is rampant with relationships that start off hot and heavy only to crash and burn over time. Good-looking guy attracts good-looking girl, they get butterflies, and both are certain that their chemistry is a sign they’re in love. Unfortunately the “love” fizzles out along with their emotions and they find themselves on the other end of heartbreak. As if the pain of a devastating breakup wasn’t enough they end up repeating the cycle! The feelings of loneliness set in and they rush to the next “hot” person to fill that void in their lives. Only to once again find the same result: heartbreak. But you my friend are reading this post because you desire a different outcome! You are either demonstrating or desire to demonstrate the following traits of being a healthy single. So if you want more assurance of a lasting relationship, here are a few key items to look for: #1 Know Your Identity: Everyone is looking for understanding of who they are. The ideal situation is to receive that affirmation of who you are during your childhood, but lets be honest, how many have that luxury? Many families are affected by divorce, abandonment, trauma, and the like. Most adults did not get core emotional needs met in childhood and therefore often unknowingly go looking for those needs to be met in future relationships. Even those who were fortunate enough to have a safe, healthy environment to grow up in will find that they still have questions. That’s because our true identity can only fully come from knowing our Creator; parents can only take us so far. Instead God will often lead us on a path to slowly unfold our purpose and calling. How can you really benefit your future partner if you don’t know your talents, calling, vision and purpose? How can you be of any use if you don’t understand why you were put here on this planet? Healthy singles know their purpose is for more than just to be in a relationship. It is to be a vessel for their Creator. #2 Know Your Worth: We are all born with a desire to be worthy and if we do not know our value, then we are apt to settle for less than what we deserve. Do you ever see that really amazing, beautiful, intelligent, girl who just doesn’t see her own awesomeness? And you just want to shake her because she is so fabulous but doesn’t have a clue? That’s how God can be with us sometimes. We walk around unaware of our own “amazingness” believing that we are missing something while in truth we are made in the image of the Most High and our value is infinite. He has numbered the very hairs on our heads and has made us Kings and Queens in His kingdom! Healthy, stellar singles know their worth and will not let another partner with them unless they have proven themselves worthy. #3 Desire to Grow: Remember how we discussed that most people do not get their needs met during those childhood years? Well, that means most people accumulate baggage over the course of their lifetime. Pain and trauma are bound to happen to us all, but the healthy single takes time to learn from past mistakes and reflect on how they can improve themselves for future experiences. Those couples that go from one relationship to the next and find the same outcome do so because they do not look internally. Yes, their partner changes but they themselves do not change; therefore they attract the same type of unhealthy relationship. No one is perfect, but isn’t it better to bring the best version of yourself to the table? Also, when choosing a life partner its important to have someone who is teachable, that way when the inevitable conflict arises you have two people who are willing to change to work things out. #4 Heal from Past Wounds: This key goes hand in hand with a desire to grow. Healing from past wounds plays into your development and growth process as a person. If we do not heal from trauma and pain, we will carry that into our future relationships and blame the next partner for our ex’s issues. Or our families’ issues. Or our friends’ issues! There are so many ways to be hurt in this life that it’s rare for people not to affect others with their pain. Healthy singles do whatever is needed to heal unresolved pain. Some great avenues for healing are seeing a professional counselor, reading books/blog/resources on healing, forgiving the offender, and seeking wisdom from spiritual mentors. #5 Use Wisdom– Healthy Stellar Singles understand the value of taking their time in getting to know others. Emotions and feelings are great, but they are fleeting. Wisdom is to have others assess the new relationship and share any red flags they may see. We desire not to be led by our emotions but they are still prone to affect us! Having safe people in our community who want the best for us can only benefit us in the long run. While dating, the healthy single looks for qualities in their dating partner that will prove to be lasting components of a strong foundation rather than what feels good in the moment. Now that we’ve covered a few foundational keys for having a healthy relationship I hope you’re feeling more equipped! The healthy single is on a journey of wholeness; mind, body and soul. Implementing these keys will aid in not only cultivating these character traits in your life but also attract others who are doing the same! TRUE LOVE DATES.

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