intimate

LET HER BE THE WOMAN

As unedifying as it sounds, i have to say this so we can understand the magnitude of the problem facing religious leader’s marriages… I have counseled G.O who is addicted to masturbation because mama didn’t show interest for 30 months, yes, you heard me, 30 months. I’ve been able to speak in churches where minister’s wife threatened to work out of her marriage as a result of poor sex life, and another cheating with her ex who knows how to make her orgasm. As much as sex between couples shouldn’t be orgasm based and no reason is good enough to justify cheating, a woman who keep craving for orgasm to no avail will become a nagging and unloving wife. Anointing doesn’t mean romance should be zero in your marriage, and being a minister doesn’t mean orgasm should become a thing of the past for your wife. Solve your boring sex life issue and you will be shocked that most of the issues you are battling with in your marriage will automatically disappear. Understanding your wife as a minister will help you solve a lot of problem in your marriage, most ministers are ignorant of the way women are wired and this has resulted into a lot of troubles that is currently drifting their marriage apart. understanding her will help you to celebrate and appreciate your differences instead of fighting over it, in fact understanding these basic facts about your woman means more sex in the long run. How do you explain a man who doesn’t understand what turns his wife on, where do you start teaching a man who believe orgasm is a sin for a woman, what about the one who concentrates only on the breast, mishandling it like balloon and expect the wife to get wet instantly, or the one who fingers roughly with dirty and peppery hand. Romance doesn’t come naturally to men but physical intimacy absolutely does. Men needs just a place to sleep with a woman but woman needs reasons, this is why there’s conflict of interest between couples when it comes to romance and love making. A lot of ministers are getting it wrong here, most of you lost the romantic aspect of your life the moment you became born again and its not suppose to be so. it is the duty of every man to meet the romantic needs of the wife, its your job to make her scream, make her beg for more, it wont affect your anointing as God no longer see you as two but one. Check out these basic sexual facts that men need to know about the women folks, it will guide you: She will not desire sex just like you: because men and women are wired differently, she will not desire sex like you. This should not cause any problem that could result into bigger problem, but rather you should try and understand how to put her in the mood. Testosterone, the hormone responsible for sex drive is about 20-40% higher in men, this explains why most time men naturally desires sex more than women, don’t blame it on the women blame it on the hormone. Women are moved by what they hear and men what they see. she can be wowed by a sexy guy with six pack, but that will not make her get wet on a normal day, this is not the case with men, exposure to bare flesh can cause a lot of troubles. So when next you are in your short and she’s not drooling, don’t be surprised. Women needs reasons to have sex, men need just a place. She’s not like you , and you have been wondering why she can just open her arms widely whenever you beckon in the night even when you have not spoken to her all evening. It doesn’t work that way, you need to appeal to her emotions before she can do it, she want to feel connected to you emotionally, sex to women is a serious business and not just a physical exercise. The slower the better for a woman, except in rare cases when she wants it fast, even in such cases, you have to start gently to get her in the mood in most cases. (TAKEN FROM DR. TOLU’S BOOK: ROMANCE & ANOINTING. TO GET A COPY, TEXT YOUR NAME, LOCATION AND THE TITTLE TO +2348184575377)

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THE PICTURE IN MY HEAD

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Ofure and I have been married for three years; it was and still is a marriage of willing bed fellows. I had known Ofure all my life but I really met her four years ago, crazy right? Well we grew up together, played together and even went to the same schools- primary, secondary and tertiary, but then she was just another annoying ugly girl. While we were very little, I remember I used to tease her about how big her head was, and how you could fit in a baby’s head into her mouth. She would cry so hard and I’d just stand there laughing equally as hard, she was my comic relief. Then we got into secondary school and I discovered she was a bookworm, sometimes an insufferable know-it-all but still very brilliant. She was still ugly, and I still teased her but she was mature now and instead of crying she’d just ignore me and after a while the joke got stale. When we got into the university we became strangers, we weren’t friends anymore nor were we enemies, we just acted like we never knew each other. I personally didn’t care as I thought she was too nerdy, and being a member of the coolest group on campus I couldn’t be seen with someone like her, she didn’t care either, in her opinion I was quite egoistic and my nonchalancy towards education repulsed her, so we disconnected on mutual grounds. I didn’t tease her about being ugly anymore though she still was, and there was no need for her to ignore me. My name is Oghenero but I shortened it to Nero, I’m not promiscuous. I had my preference for girls; I had a picture in my head. She had to be at least 5’8 feet tall, and had an ebony skin complexion like Genevieve Nnaji. I disliked fair girls, so I never thought of Ofure romantically. The girl in my head was charismatic; she had a subtle naiveté, elegance and a grace. Her beauty had to be unequalled, like the fairest of them all. She had to be Barbie-like, my Barbie. Ruth was a good match but she was overbearing, pleasing her was an arduous task. I met her during my NYSC programme, in Anambra state. Four months into our relationship and not a day goes by without me doing something for her, she tortured me with sex if I didn’t carry out whatever task she assigned, the day she broke up with me was the happiest day of my life. Then I met Amaka two months to the end of my NYSC programme, her beauty was enthralling and enchanting but she had a bad attitude, she threatened with a break-up whenever I did a thing consciously or unconsciously wrong. The relationship was on her terms and conditions and these terms and conditions weren’t really favorable so I broke up with her. I decided to focus on my career, I got a job with Access bank and I was doing quite well for myself, a relationship would be detrimental at this point but I fantasized with the picture in my head, I even named her Jane. She was a lively and homely girl; she would wake me up with kisses and breakfast and welcome me home with hugs and love. It was a perfect world in my head, my very own utopia. Other girls I met had a standard to surpass, and all of them fell below average, I concluded that all the girls I met didn’t have all the qualities the picture in my head had, so I ended whatever relationship with them as soon as they started. It went on for years and my imaginations were getting vivid, I had married Jane and she bore kids for me, we named them Micah, Chloe, and Ezra, it was perfect world in my head but in reality I was a 35 years old man with no girlfriend and a nagging mother who needs a daughter-in-law. I had to break Jane’s heart and leave my children fatherless. It was on the 1st of February, 2011, a Tuesday at around 5:30pm, I had rounded up for the day and was heading home, walking past the ATM point I saw a familiar face, not as I knew it though but I could never forget that head that I teased for a better part of my childhood, it was Ofure….. I sucked it up and I walked, each step I took took me farther away from what I should do and what I shouldn’t, I might regret it, I might not, it didn’t matter . I stopped behind her and tapped her shoulders, I must have waited for an eternity before she finally looked back but when she did, it was worth it. She was looking pretty, her face was angelic and her eyes where deep brown, and then she smiled, it was heaven, and though I surprised myself by asking for her number, she willingly gave it along with a date for me to pick her up for dinner. It was a lovely evening with her, her gown was eclectic and her smile infectious, she smiled often and was a little shy, her shyness was cute. We talked about everything, starting from our childhood days, then our teenage years and our university days; it surprised me how much I didn’t know about her. Looking at her speak made me realise I didn’t really know her, I didn’t notice she had such cute dimples or how her skin shone bathed in the incandescent light, I didn’t know I didn’t really know her. The evening painfully came to an end and she promised me lunch, we agreed to rendezvous at TFC the next day and I looked forward to it. I walked her to her car (Yes, she had a car now and was doing well for herself too). I proposed to drive her but she politely declined with a

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THE POWER OF TOUCH

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THE POWER OF TOUCH Do you know the largest organ in the human body? Hazard a guess. What is the largest human organ? I could almost bet the majority of you will be wrong. The largest human organ is the skin. In a grown man, it covers about 19 square feet and weighs over 3.5kg. A piece of skin the size of a small coin contains more than 3 million cells, 100 to 340 sweat glands, 50 nerve endings and 3 feet of blood vessels. The skin is a work of genius that sub serves many physiological functions ranging from acting as a protective barrier to external agents, to thermoregulation, and even excretion of waste products. Today I want us to examine one of the abilities our skins confer on us especially in our relation with others. Through series of studies we’ll be looking at the power of touch. A study was done in the 1960s and I find the results fascinating. It showed a stark contrast between cultures by noting the number of touches exchanged by pairs of people sitting in coffee shops around the world: In San Juan, Puerto Rico, people touched a whooping 180 times an hour (i.e. 3 times a minute= every 20 seconds); in Paris, France, 110 times an hour; in Gainesville, Florida, 2 times per hour; and in London, England, they never touched! I am not aware of any such study done in our country, but I think culturally as a nation, we are “touch shy” people. Our culture looks with puckered brow at open expression of affection. I once asked a large group of young people I was leading then how many of them had ever heard their fathers tell their mothers spontaneously “I love you”. Only a tiny fraction had ever done so. For example, from the moment of birth our physical sense is stimulated. Pushed out, picked up, and slapped on the bottom, we are placed at our mother’s breast, and a bonding process begins. This bonding process is further reinforced by the design of the infant care-giving process. It is by no means an accident that there is a lot of skin contact for the act of breast feeding. We are designed so that the infant care-giving process involves an enormous amount of contact. Touch is essential for optimal brain and psychological development. This has been demonstrated in both humans and animals. I saw a documentary last year about the greatest carnivore of the open sea: The Great White Sharks. These creatures grow to be as long as 20 – 25 feet long and over 2,000kg in weight and can swallow things half their size! Their jaws (sic!) are massive. Yet I saw them mesmerized with touch! They went perfectly still as if in a trance. Just with a touch! In a study with premature infants, half of the tiny babies, selected at random, were gently stroked for 45 minutes a day. The other half was not. Although all were fed the same amount of calories, after ten days, the touched babies weighed-in 47% heavier than the untouched group. Not only were those babies bigger, they were happier as well. The stroked kids were more active, more alert and more responsive to social stimulation. Studies like this and others are challenging the practice of isolating premature babies in incubators and our cultural rule of no touching. It’s also the same in relationships, there are times when you need to connect on a different level, it’s not every time you will want to talk or go out to have fun. Sometimes, a long hug, a pat on the hair, a stroke of the face is all the connection you need. We need to be touched. Now I am not asking you to go haywire and start grabbing anyone in sight. You might just receive a hot slap soon if you go about doing that. You have to respect people’s personal space. As mentioned earlier Nigerians aren’t a big fan of touching, but it goes a long way when you connect with your partner through the simple act of touching. Some of us adjust well to open affections, some of us do not. However a balance can be reached. With all the above analysis, the art of touching is enough to keep the flame alive in your relationships. Pass a little sunshine to someone today. Give a warm handshake to a stranger. Not a limp wave. Pat the back of a friend. Rub the head of your child. Lift him/her up. Give your spouse a warm, long unexpected hug. Pull the cheeks of a naughty friend. Cultivate the habit of meaningful impactful touch. Those touches of yours will add value to their lives. Dr Gbenga Adebayo

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WOMB-MAN

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“Don’t open the door for me, i can do it myself , I’m not weak or arm less” What an irony, we want to be treated like a queen but dont want to be called a lady. BROKENNESS…I had no deep knowledge of this word until very, very recently, you would be surprised how much knowledge you can unveil in a word if and when you think deeply enough about it. The dictionary defines ‘broken’ as ‘physically and forcibly separated into pieces, cracked or split; or legally or emotionally destroyed’. I read a book by Michelle McKinney Hammond ‘The Power of being a Woman’ and she spoke about the whole idea of feminism in the first chapter. Feminism (the fight for equality) has become the main order of the day; women no longer fight as much for peace, tranquility, marriage, children and safety. We are immersed in the fight for equal rights. Don’t get me wrong, am not saying the idea isn’t valid or that I don’t believe in equality (to an extent though, because we really can’t have it all). However taking a closer look at it, MEN ARE MADE TO BE THE HEAD at all times, this has being since creation. I understand the fact that there are men out there who take this headship title to the extreme but, taking it down to the nitty- gritty of creation, we are WOMEN, help-meet, companions, encouragers, peacemakers and above all we are STRONG pillars (Supporters). She also spoke about the fact that women are forgetting how to be who they are because they are trying so hard to meet up with the men. We are striving so hard to wipe away that feminine part of us, replacing it with a strong head and the thirst for equality. I know this might raise a lot of eyebrows, but yes it is the ugly truth we have avoided for so long. One thing we do not seem to understand is that the whole idea of being broken lies greatly on us (Women). There are really some things that we aren’t cut out for, maybe this is one of the reasons why men are fast loosing respect for us, they are beginning to look and treat us like men. But we aren’t! We can do a lot, much better than men, yet we aren’t men and we should be proud of that. We should know when to let humility take its place, obey and submit and above all, we should know that doing this doesn’t mean you are inferior to the masculine gender. My friend frequently tells me that the way I treat men generally will tell on how I treat my partner eventually. I can’t be very nice to my husband, yet put up an ugly attitude to another man outside my relationship. Michelle says, Men and women are created differently and were created so deliberately by God. Yet present-day moral issues and the fight for equal rights have left most men and women confused about who they are, where they fit and what they mean to one another. You can’t switch your duties, its nature and it’s fixed permanently. Maybe one of the reasons our relationship doesn’t work is because we have forgotten how to be women, we are so busy trying to keep up in a race that doesn’t exist in the first place. Brokenness… the woman was made of a rib out of the side of Adam, not made out of his head to rule over him, nor out of his side to be equal with him, but under his arm to be protected, and near his heart to be loved. What’s more? I think our major fear is showing men this side of us and watch them take advantage of it, but it is true in many cases, but not in all. A man, who truly understands the concept of love knows that your submission is not stupidity. Therefore, he is wise enough to know that taking advantage of your respect will affect things. We are women, let’s glory in it. It’s not a shame and it’s not a weakness, if anything it is a STRENGTH. I am a woman and he’s a man, yes I have a right to everything, but I have priorities, if the fight for equity will hinder or distract my priorities, then I should and would avoid it. Being broken means: accepting your priorities come first to certain people and certain things, that if we are to fulfill destiny and achieve purpose then the headship title is really not ours. How about single mothers that do a perfect work with their children? Yes, they do. But am pretty sure, there is no woman who wouldn’t want a working relationship if they had the chance. There is always more to the story. In conclusion, am not against women fighting for equal rights, but I am against women who put aside their femininity for it, I am against women who think showing their feminine part is a trait of weakness. I am a woman, full of life, I have a womb that will birth nations, I am proud of my tears and my femininity. I have all rights, but I have major priorities.- Motolani Olanipekun

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THE BEST PLACE TO GET A GOOD WIFE IS IN A MATCHMAKER’S OFFICE.

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You might disagreed with me when I talked about chasing a good woman instead of chasing money, but have you ever considered the life of a rich man with a bad wife? Is there any peace of mind or stable life for a man who is married to a troublesome woman? Your marriage is your life. To some extent, getting it wrong/right determines how the journey of your life will end. In my years of practice as a matchmaker, I have noticed that the “good girls” are majorly the ones finding it difficult to get married. This is because, men want to make money before getting married, and when they “get any woman I want after making money”, like they always say, its usually the ‘bad girls.’ These are girls you will always find with guys who have money to throw around, the good girls won’t run after money and will not want to send the wrong signal of marrying a man because of his money. So, most time, the ‘bad girls’ are the first to get married, because they are readily available, they are not worried about virtues or keeping virginity. They will follow men just because of their money and they readily understand the cunning skills to keep their men for life. This explains why we have so many troubled marriages these days, women marrying for wrong reasons, and the men falling preys by making themselves available for such women. This also explains why I have graduates, homely, internationally trained good girls with good jobs who are virgins, still trying to get married. You dont believe me right? Because you believe all women wants money, I have 27, 30, 33, 40 and even 41 years old virgins, and so what? These are exceptional ladies whose values cannot be bought with money. Register with Intimate Matchmaking today and meet real and genuine women: www.intimatematchaking.com

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CHASE A REAL WOMAN INSTEAD OF CHASING MONEY

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“There are more women than men” a very common statement among young men these days, some will even go as far as quoting Isaiah 4:1, but i can categorically tell you that, the number of men of marriageable age are currently more than those of women, even here in Nigeria. The reason why men seems to be more than men is because of the economic situation, the men who are due for marriage are not able to take the steps because of their financial situation. My point here is not about the economy, but about the fact that a lot of young men are getting it all wrong. If these young men can divert half of the energy they are using, trying to make money, get a 3 bedroom apartment, buy a car… bla bla… to making sure they get the right woman, getting to the desired destination will be shorter and less rigorous. Good women dont marry just for money, money is just an icing on the cake for real women, and when you find one, she will join you to work on a better future and your speed will increase. The right two will always be better than one. “Make money and get any woman you want” is the beginning of a lifetime mistake and marital failure. you dont believe my first statement? Google is your friend. Wont you rather get a good woman who will build with you? Register now at: www.intimatematchmaking.com

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SEXUAL FETISH

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SEXUAL FETISH I remember speaking with a client whose husband forbade her from shaving her pubic hair, the man gets turned on by weaving and loosening her private hair before making love to her, sound strange right? I’m sure not so many people have heard about sexual fetish in the developing worlds, but its a common occurrence in the developed world and more awareness are being created on the subject even in the third world. Follow this eye opening article from WebMD, I’m sure it will throw more light on the subject. What Is a Sexual Fetish? While you might like the sight of your partner in a pair of high heels during sex, that doesn’t necessarily mean you have a shoe fetish. A fetish is sexual excitement in response to an object or body part that’s not typically sexual, such as shoes or feet. They’re more common in men. Many people with fetishes must have the object of their attraction at hand or be fantasizing about it, alone or with a partner, in order to become sexually aroused, get an erection, and have an orgasm. A person with a fetish might masturbate while they hold, smell, rub, or taste the object. Or they might ask their partner to wear it or use it during sex. Most Common Fetishes People can “fetishize” almost anything. There are many web sites about lots of fetish interests, says Richard Krueger, MD, an associate clinical professor of psychiatry at Columbia University. “Anything you could imagine.” According to a study, the most common fetishes involve body parts, such as feet, or body features, such as obesity, piercings, or tattoos. The feet are by far the most common. Body fluid, body size, and hair fetishes aren’t far behind. After body parts comes things you wear. The same study put clothes worn on the hips and legs, such as stockings and skirts, at the top of the list. Footwear, then underwear, ranked closely behind. Fetishes that involve the feel of a certain material, often leather or rubber, are also common. Some people like dressing themselves and their partner in furry animal costumes. Where Do Fetishes Come From? Sexual behavior experts don’t agree on the causes. Some people can trace their attraction back to early childhood, before they were aware of their sexuality. A fetish can also come from seeing inappropriate sexual behavior during childhood or from sexual abuse, says Kenneth Rosenberg, MD. He’s a psychiatry professor at Weill Cornell Medical College. Are Fetishes OK? A sexual fetish is not a disorder by definition, but it can reach that level if it causes intense, lasting distress.Are Fetishes OK? continued… “Whether somebody is doing this by themselves or with a partner, if they’re happy with it, then it’s not an issue,” Krueger says, as long as it causes pleasure and no one is being forced to take part. “My patients come to me because they feel it’s a problem,” Rosenberg says. “Their behaviors are not interesting, fun, or even sexy. They are not simply experimenting with novel means of sexual expression. They are desperate, compulsive, and sometimes so distressed by their behaviors that suicide is a consideration.” When it’s a disorder, it feels out of control. Someone might disappear from work or home to practice their fetish in secret. This fascination could also keep them from doing their job. “A physician could have a foot fetish, for example, and spend a large amount of time and attention on his patients’ feet,” Krueger says. People with these disorders might also steal to get the object of their desire. Often, they can’t have meaningful sexual relationships with other people. They might prefer to have time alone with their object, even when they’re in a relationship with another person. “If your partner said, ‘Wear a pair of sexy shoes tonight,’ you’d probably say, ‘Why not?’ But if your partner said, ‘You can sleep in the other room, just leave me your shoes,’ that would be a problem,” Rosenberg says. Treatment Standard treatment includes medication and talk therapy with a psychiatrist or counselor. Still, some fetishes can be harmless. A recent study on “adult baby/diaper lovers” found that among nearly 1,800 men and 140 women who report having this fetish, most said they were “comfortable” with their fetish and that it wasn’t a problem. The same can be said of people who enjoy bondage, discipline or domination, sadism, and masochism, commonly known as “BDSM,” Rosenberg says. As long as everyone agrees, then chances are “no one’s getting hurt in a way that is extreme or permanent, and everyone’s happy with what’s happening.” What is your opinion about this subject? Have you heard of a particular sexual fetish or experienced one before? Share your views…..

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PAINS DURING SEX

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My partner use to to feel pain during sex. Please help me, what could be the cause and what can we do to stop it? ATTN. READERS: This blog is to give readers the opportunity to share their thought and experiences with the poster. Dr. Tolu is a professional relationship/marriage counselor and trained sex therapist, you can inbox her your question for public opinion on: info@intimacyclinic.org (IDENTITY WILL NOT BE DISCLOSED) or schedule a private appointment with her here: http://instantcounseling.net

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I’M NOT ENJOYING MY MARRIAGE, WHAT DO I DO?

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I got married 15years ago,ever since i have not enjoyed marriage for one month except during Ramadan. I’m blessed with 3 kids in this marriage though i wouldn’t have had up to 3 kids because of the situation in the marriage, but there are more stories on that but i thank God for giving them to me. My problem is that my husband has been having series of extra marital affairs since we got married, we have talked, quarreled and do all sort of things over this but he has refused to change , now he doesn’t sleep at home, he does one day at home and one day outside, i asked if he has taken another wife but he wouldn’t answer, please Tolu, im so devastated now and this issue is affecting my health,help ask your fans what do i do? ATTN. READERS: This blog is to give readers the opportunity to share their thought and experiences with the poster. Dr. Tolu is a professional relationship/marriage counselor and trained sex therapist, you can inbox her your question for public opinion on: info@intimacyclinic.org (IDENTITY WILL NOT BE DISCLOSED) or schedule a private appointment with her here: http://instantcounseling.net/service/

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HELP, IM IN LOVE WITH MY EX

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I am married with kids.my husband is an amazing dad and very caring.we are very good friends but we are not intimate,we have been married for about 5years now and we have not french kissed for 3years now. At the beginning of our marriage,he was really cheating on me,which i found out a number of times but i stood by him.One day,i ran into my childhood sweetheart and we exchanged numbers, we started chatting on old times and i found myself falling in love with him again.We planned on hooking up with no plans of doing anything,but we found ourselves kissing. He said he never stopped loving me and he will forever love me. Since that day we have had sex like 5 times ,even though sometimes we cry about it because we know it is wrong but we are madly in love. My husband and i dont have sex anymore,i have stopped seeing my ex but i think of him all the time. I have prayed,but my heart is still with my ex.i need help ,no insults please,i av been decent all my life its just unfortunate. ATTN. READERS: This blog is to give readers the opportunity to share their thought and experiences with the poster. Dr. Tolu is a professional relationship/marriage counselor and trained sex therapist, you can inbox her your question for public opinion on: info@intimacyclinic.org (IDENTITY WILL NOT BE DISCLOSED) or schedule a private appointment with her here: http://instantcounseling.net/service/

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LET HER BE THE WOMAN

THE PICTURE IN MY HEAD

THE POWER OF TOUCH

WOMB-MAN

THE BEST PLACE TO GET A GOOD WIFE IS IN A MATCHMAKER’S OFFICE.

CHASE A REAL WOMAN INSTEAD OF CHASING MONEY

SEXUAL FETISH

PAINS DURING SEX

I’M NOT ENJOYING MY MARRIAGE, WHAT DO I DO?

HELP, IM IN LOVE WITH MY EX

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