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MYTHS ABOUT SEX

There are so many lies that we have been told over the years about sex, things that are not true that we have accepted believing them to the extent that they are affecting the way we see sex. Especially in an environment where cultural and religious conditioning is deep. Here are a few myths about sex: 1. Myth: Everyone is supposed to have great sex all the time. Reality: There is no one-size-fits-all definition of great sex. People have different preferences, desires, and levels of satisfaction, and there can be many factors that affect sexual experiences, including stress, fatigue, and relationship issues. 2. Myth: Men always want sex more than women. Reality: Sexual desire is not determined by gender. Both men and women can experience high or low sex drive, and it can vary throughout their lives. 3. Myth: Penetration is the only way to have sex. Reality: Sex can involve many forms of physical intimacy, including kissing, touching, oral sex, and manual stimulation. Penetration is just one aspect of sexual activity and is not necessary for everyone to enjoy sex. 4. Myth: Condoms reduce sexual pleasure. Reality: Condoms are essential for protecting against sexually transmitted infections and unwanted pregnancies. Modern condoms are designed to increase pleasure and come in a variety of textures and sizes. 5. Myth: Masturbation is unhealthy or immoral. Reality: Masturbation is a natural and healthy way to explore one’s own body and experience sexual pleasure. It does not cause any physical or mental health problems, and it is not immoral or sinful. 6. Myth: People can’t get pregnant or catch an STI the first time they have sex. Reality: It is possible to get pregnant or contract an STI the first time someone has sex. It is essential to use protection every time one engages in sexual activity. 7. Myth: A woman can’t get pregnant during her period. Reality: While it is less likely, a woman can get pregnant during her period. Sperm can survive for up to five days in the female reproductive system, and if ovulation occurs shortly after a period ends, pregnancy can occur. 8. Myth: Size matters (penis size or breast size) Reality: The size of body parts does not determine sexual pleasure or prowess. Sexual satisfaction depends more on technique, communication, and mutual attraction. 9. Myth: Women don’t watch porn or enjoy it as much as men Reality: Many women enjoy and consume pornographic material. Porn preferences can vary widely among individuals of any gender. 10. Myth: You can “lose” your virginity Reality: Virginity is a social and cultural construct rather than a physical state. Sexual experiences can be diverse and don’t necessarily involve penetration. 11. Myth: Men should always initiate sex Reality: Sexual initiation can come from either partner, and it’s essential for both to feel empowered to express their desires and boundaries. 12. Myth: Sex should always be spontaneous and natural Reality: Planning and discussing sexual activities can enhance communication and anticipation, leading to more enjoyable experiences. 13. Myth: People in long-term relationships or marriages have less sex Reality: Sexual frequency can vary greatly among couples, and maintaining intimacy often involves communication, effort, and adapting to life changes. 14. Myth: All orgasms are the same Reality: Orgasms can vary in intensity, duration, and sensation from person to person and can be achieved through various types of stimulation. 15. Myth: Sexual desire naturally declines with age Reality: While hormonal changes can affect sexual desire, many older adults continue to have active and fulfilling sex lives. It’s important to question and debunk myths about sex to promote understanding, healthy communication, and positive sexual experiences and educate ourselves to dispel these myths to have a healthy and fulfilling sex life. Have issues in your sex life and will need to speak to our sex therapist? CONTACT US What do you think about these myths? are there any ones that I did not mention? you can add in the comment session below.

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HOW TO HAVE YOUR FIRST PENETRATIVE SEX

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Now the wedding night is here, you have waited all your life for this moment and you can’t wait to explore and experience all the fantasies and pleasures you have been hearing, reading, and dreaming about, but your reality might be fra from all that you have envisaged. Unfortunately, a lot of couples are not able to have sex on their wedding night, and this could be the beginning of sexual struggle for so many in marriage. As simple as it might seem, a lot of couples struggle with their first penetrative sex, even those who are not celibate, or who have had sex and decided to go celibate for a while as well as those who have been celibate all their lives could fall into this category. Especially for couples who are very religious and those who have been conditioned in an unhealthy manner regarding sex, having their first penetrative sex might seem very confusing and unpleasurable. Things do not really have to go awry and there are steps you could take to resolve this issue and have a great and unforgettable experience during your first-ever sex, whether as a virgin or not. Here are a few points you need to take into consideration to guide you in having an amazing first-time experience or a new one after a long while. POINT TO NOTE IN HAVING THE FIRST PENETRATIVE SEX Forget all You Have Been Told About Sex and Concentrate: In this digital age and exposure to digital content one might come across a lot of information about how to have sex, so much content is out there about sex and you might get confused about it because you are trying to figure out how to put all those multiple information you have seen, heard or read about sex. The right thing to do is to just focus on yourself and your partner, look at your partner, and have it in your head it’s time to explore and not try to put into practice all you have seen or heard about sex. You need to get to know each other first and basically what your partner likes and enjoys. What might have worked for Mr/Mrs. A might not work for Mr/Mrs. B, feel free to express yourself, ask questions, and communicate with your partner. Avoid Performance Anxiety: This is the number one killer of erection, It’s mostly psychological and not because you’re having any medical challenges in a lot of cases. Not having confidence, especially for men kills erection, you need to be bold and not worry too much about how you are going to do it, this can be linked to the first point above, trying to do it like a character in a movie you watched or book you read could destroy things for you, just be yourself. It’s your first, forget about all the questions that might be popping in your head and rather enjoy yourself. Be Comfortable in Your Skin: Erection is very egoistic, the moment you start feeling incapable, you can also forget about your erection. And for the ladies, the moment you start having low self-esteem about your body or look, you tend to bring your partner’s attention to all of these things you are worried about. In most cases, the men don’t even notice all of these features you are been worried about when having sex. Having high self-esteem is very sexy to both genders, be confident in your skin and body, you are beautiful just the way you are. For men, stop bothering about the size of your penis or one area you think you aren’t good enough or the other; carry yourself with confidence and grace. As a matter of fact, the size of your penis does not matter like your level of self-confidence and skills. Breath: Relax! Even if you have to practice breathing exercises, do it. Anxiety might cause clamped vagina or leady to poor erection or premature ejaculation. Sex shouldn’t be scary because it’s supposed to be pleasurable. Relax, be comfortable, and let everything flow naturally. Dont try too hard just take it easy and slowly. Don’t be Shy: Do not be shy towards your partner. Be in charge; take charge even if you might be confused about what to do, take charge in the bedroom. No need to be pretending to be a good girl/boy at this point, in fact, good girls do not work for a man, ‘s brain when it comes to sex. Be free and expressive, tell your partner how they make you feel or what you enjoy while having sex.Be comfortable looking at each others genitals. Be Expressive: Express yourself, Tell your partner what you want, and be expressive. Like I said earlier, don’t hide your skills in the name of not giving a wrong impression or so your partner doesn’t get a negative notion of you (a bad girl), on the contrary men love their women being bad girls in bed. When having sex, the moment you notice a positioning or an act that is very pleasurable to you, communicate this with your partner, so he/she is aware of what gives you pleasure. The moment you keep quiet or mute about it, you might not be able to remember what actually made you feel that good. As a man, never feel bad or downcast when your partner communicates with you on getting better or trying to be more skillful as this causes performance anxiety, rather take it open-minded and work on ways to get better and please your partner. Massage: Get a sensual massage to break those barriers. A sensual massage is a massage that is done on all parts of the body including the genitals. It can be done with essential and natural oils.It makes you feel good, sexy, and smell nice. Both partners can take turns in massaging each other to put themselves in the right mood.

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WHY WOMEN FAKE ORGASM

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In a 2019 study published in Archives of Sexual Behavior, researchers found that nearly 60% of women have faked an orgasm. Other studies suggest that around 25% of men have faked orgasms. According to the research, 42% of those women who kept silent did not want to hurt their partner’s feelings. Around 80% of the participants kept their fake orgasms a secret because they were embarrassed or because they were not comfortable discussing the details of the sexual encounter with their partner. according to a 2017 study from The Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy, Up to 50% of women are unsatisfied with how often they orgasm, and Around 80% of women struggle to orgasm from vaginal sex alone. In the study, 37% of the women surveyed could not orgasm without clitoral stimulation. However, in a 2019 YouGov survey, 31% of male participants could not identify the clitoris on an anatomy chart. The statistics above are an indication that faking orgasm is not a new phenomenon and there are so many factors that could be responsible for it. It’s an issue that has been affecting couples from time immemorial and the possibility of it going away soon is not high. Most of the surveys above were carried out in developed countries, the fact remains that the situation is far worse than stated in these statistics in developing countries where patriarchy and misogyny are still the other of the day. Even though things are changing in the new generation, most African women still make love(not even sure they make love), or better still, have sex for their partners. Imagine being married to a man with two, four, or up to ten wives, when he has the opportunity to have sex with you, the main thing on your mind will be to feel the warmth of your husband and not necessarily about how to have an orgasm. This is a discussion we are not ready for in this part of the world as culture and religion consistently deny women the opportunities to be expressive in this crucial aspect of life thereby leaving the men to keep struggling to figure them out. Here are some of the reasons women might be faking orgasm: lack of self-understanding: Most women do not know what their vulva looks like not to talk of understanding what is happening down there. The majority shy away from having conversations around sex and therefore have little or no information about the subject leaving the men to keep struggling to figure them out. The point is, if as a woman you do not know what works for you, how do you expect a man to figure it out? So due to a lack of information about what works for them, most women will rather resort to fate than trying to figure it out. Orgasmic Difficulty: Resulting into a state of learned helplessness is inevitable if after trying severally, one is not able to achieve the expected pleasure in this case. If a woman struggles with achieving orgasm over time, she may be frustrated and just accept that it’s impossible to get it. There are lots of factors that might result in orgasmic difficulty, and this frustration over time could lead to women faking it rather than keep trying and getting disappointed. To rub the man’s ego: Especially in Africa where women have sex not necessarily for themselves but for the man, and where a lot of men grapple with toxic masculinity that compels them to always appear in charge and unfailing, being able to open up on the orgasmic status might be a daunting task for the women. A lot of men are struggling with erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation due to toxic masculinity which makes negative feedback about their sexual performance result in performance anxiety, no matter how subtle the woman puts it. Women understanding this fact are careful in expressing themselves thereby resulting in faking orgasm just to make the man feel good. To get it done quickly: What you do not enjoy, you do not miss, having sex for a lot of women is like a chore, therefore the patience and commitment to get to the peak is nonexistent for them. So the man can hasten up his act and cum quickly, most women will take orgasm as it’s more like punishment rather than pleasure for them. Lack of Vulnerability: Most women struggled with letting down their guards and thereby denying themselves the benefits of experiencing a mind-blowing orgasm. The inability to talk dirty, flirt, and be open to new styles, props, and toys can lead to sexual mental block and thereby faking of orgasm. Because it is painful: Lack of lubrication, not enough foreplay, and sexual dysfunction like vaginismus can lead to painful intercourse making the woman want to quickly get it done with. When sex is painful for a woman, she will rather fake it than keep suffering in the name of trying to achieve orgasm Because they aren’t enjoying it: in my close to two decades of practice as a couple and sex therapist, I have seen numerous clients in this situation where the women asked if it’s truly possible to enjoy sex with penetration. Most women cannot come unless they touch themselves or engage in dry humping. It is therefore necessary for them to fake it so the man can get done with us as what you do not enjoy you do not miss. Inability to communicate their needs: Some women have been conditioned that what works for a man is to appear inexperienced so the man won’t think worse of them, therefore communicating their sexual needs and fantasies is considered loose. So in the quest to be termed a good girl, a lot of women would rather not talk, and because the man is not a magician or mind reader, he might find it difficult to know what works for the woman leading to consistent dissatisfaction. So when a woman’s pleasure spots are not being stimulated, she will fake orgasm to get

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NAVIGATING CONFLICT RESOLUTION IN MARRIAGE

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Conflicts are an unavoidable part of marriage, but when it becomes incessant and out of control, then there is a need for concern. Sometimes conflicts are necessary for certain changes and improvements to take place, but the questions couples should ask themselves are how they are handling their conflict and what lessons they are taking out of it. Common conflicts in marriage are numerous and these can include: Financial disagreements Parenting method Communication issues Selfishness Infidelity Intimacy Disrespecting boundaries Different values and beliefs Mental health Fatigue Uncontrollable anger and many more. The key factor in all of these causes of conflict in marriage is communication. Communication plays a key role between partners. If communication is not effective it may lead to conflict with negative results not only on the couples but on the children and even external family members. Effective communication does not only mean engaging in letting one’s feelings out, it is also a way of passing information verbally or orally in a way that the person being communicated understands the information being passed and carries it out accordingly and not misinterpreted. HOW CAN COMMUNICATION BE IMPROVED DURING CONFLICT RESOLUTION IN MARRIAGES. Talk about It: Create time to talk about every issue that may result in a conflict no matter how busy you both may be, there should also be a time-lapse for conflicts between spouses e.g. promising not to stay angry at each other for 24 hours whenever an issue arises. Know When To Bring Up Issues To Be Resolved: You do not want to talk about conflicting issues when you want to hang out with your friends or be around the kids. Such issues should be entertained in the right atmosphere to avoid being aggressive towards others. Be Precise: Hit the nail on the head. Do not beat around the bush or deviate from subjects to be discussed by bringing up issues in the past. Avoid digging up issues from the past. Do Not Use Each Other’s Weaknesses: This is highly prohibited in conflict resolution. Using each other’s weaknesses is demeaning, might lead to low self-esteem between spouses, and might make conflict worse. Ease The Tension: No matter how tense or angry you might get, do not leave behind your sense of humor, as this might ease the already tense atmosphere. Empathy: This is putting oneself in the situation of others to be able to understand how the feel. Understanding how your partner feels helps to resolve conflict and enhance effective communication. WHAT ROLE DOES EMPATHY PLAY IN NAVIGATING CONFLICT RESOLUTION IN MARRIAGES Empathy is an important keyword in conflict resolution in general terms. This has to do with having compassion for others by understanding their feelings and thoughts. If you can’t relate with your partner’s thoughts, feelings, or actions there are no chances of having compassion or the possibility of having an effective communication strategy. Empathy lets you think outside your angle and make you see the view of your partner to understand how they feel. When conflict arises it shouldn’t be about yourself or you trying to prove a point of being right, empathy should be put into practice as this will also help reduce conflict and misunderstandings between partners from escalating or going out of control. HOW CAN COUPLES WORK TOGETHER TO FIND COMPROMISE DURING CONFLICTS IN MARRIAGE Communication: Couples should let each other know how they feel and not bottle up feelings. This will enhance better understanding and adjustments between both parties. Stick to one issue: When confrontation arises stick to one issue at a time. As mentioned earlier do not dig up past issues or bottled up feelings. Forgive: Conflict resolution requires the ability to be able to forgive. Without forgiveness also playing a key role no conflict can be resolved. Learning how to forgive also helps you heal and become a better person to yourself and your partner. Accepting Your Flaws: If you are wrong always accept your flaws and work towards becoming a better person. No one is perfect and everyone has their shortcomings, the person you look up to or think is perfect is not perfect they only accepted their shortcomings and became a better and more appealing version of themselves. Do not prove with all passion you were right for your actions. Conquering selfishness: Not only in marriages does selfishness have a way of destroying one’s personality. Two selfish people who are together can never aim at resolving conflict because they want all things to go their way. To experience a harmonious marriage you must be ready to give up your will for your partner and vice versa. Do Not Pass On Blames: Do not blame your partner when trying to resolve conflict. Remember you are resolving conflict and not in a debate on trying to prove who was wrong or right. Remain Open-Minded: Be open to acceptance, healing, change, and starting all over. Talk To A Counselor: Sometimes issues that are due to cultural clashes, and personality differences require the expertise of a therapist to help couples navigate their hurdles. Again, when conflicts are becoming too numerous, there’s a need to seek the help of a specialist before things get out of hands Reference: Rachael Pace (8 easy ways to resolve conflict & improve marriage communication), April 2023. Sage journals, research article July 2, 2019. Drs.Les and Leslie Parrot (communication), July 12 2017. Family Life by Cru Ministry, 2024.

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Why Should You See A Sex Therapist?

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Have you ever had a problematic intimate experience with your partner? Do you get turned off easily, no matter what you try? Does your partner not find you appealing anymore? If you experience any of these or more, You might need to see a Sex Therapist. Sex is not trivial when it comes to romantic relationships. It is essential to understand that there is so much more to sex than going at it. Couples are usually expected to have a conversation about their intimate lifestyle or ask each other questions. Sex Therapy is a field of Therapy whereby a client or two address and confront emotional, physical, spiritual, and psychological matters in their sexual life or health. A Sex Therapist comes in to listen, guide, and provide plausible solutions to a person or couple’s sex life that may be failing. Sex Therapists are professionally equipped to attend to these matters, mainly to ensure that couples achieve their goals, whether or not it is sexual. It is good to meet with a therapist when dealing with any issue, but when it comes to sex, it is best to meet with a Sex Therapist. This is because Sex Therapists can address Sexual Dysfunctions that basic Therapists, General Practitioners, or Healthcare professionals might be unable to manage. Sexual Dysfunctions are challenges a person or couple may face sexually; it is also prone to cause problems in a couple’s romantic or marital relationship. It could be associated with their sexual, reproductive, or mental health. These factors guarantee a healthy or fulfilling sex life, which couples desire. Some of these Sexual Dysfunctions are: Stress or Excess Fatigue Difficulty with Orgasm Low Self-Esteem/Confidence Poor Sexual drive or desire. Sexual Frustration Sexual Dysfunction Erectile Dysfunction Poor Sexual response Fertility issues Low Libido Sex Addiction What Happens In Sex Therapy? Sex therapy is a type of talk therapy. If they decide to go as partners, the client or clients meet with the Sex Therapist to discuss their sexual challenges or dysfunctions. The Sex Therapist would be the guide to help you achieve your sexual or intimate goals through discussions. These discussions could be centered on the Physical/Sexual or Psychological matter of the client(s). It could also be both of such issues or more. Usually, couples who wish to go into Sex Therapy would have to meet with the Sex Therapist individually before meeting as a couple for a session. This is because the Sex Therapist would need to properly assess the situation with the clients as individuals before they have sessions together. Some clients would prefer to have only individual sessions, but it is advised for such clients to invite their partner, especially if their challenges or case involves or affects their partner. Sex Therapists are professionally trained to assist clients with their feelings and concerns concerning their sexual or psychological challenges. Therefore they have measures, tools, and activities they would give their clients to exercise. Sex Therapists are also disciplined in keeping their sessions confidential. The sessions could last from 30 minutes to 1 hour at most. The sessions could also be as frequent as once a week or twice a month, based on the Sex Therapists conclusion on how regular or not the sessions should be. This is also because clients need time to exercise the activities or recommendations given to them by their Sex Therapist for progress. There are also cases where clients need to see a Sex Therapist based on Sexual Trauma that tends to cause some of their Sexual Dysfunctions. Sexual Trauma can be described as the victimization of an individual by Sexual Assault, Violence, Rape, or Abuse. These Sexual traumas can affect the performance of a client physically, sexually, and psychologically, hence the need to visit a Sex Therapist. There are many other issues that clients experience that are specifically for the attention of a Sex Therapist. Whatever the situation you may have, Sexually or Psychologically, Sex Therapists are available to help address the challenges and improve the situation. Visit or Contact Intimacy Clinic today! HERE. To get certified as a sex therapist, visit: HERE.

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Communication in Relationships

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Communication is the ability to express yourself, verbally or non-verbally, to other people. Communication is a social skill, and interpersonal relationships are used to interact with others. Communication is one of the most critical needs and priorities in a relationship. Based on how it is done, it can also positively or negatively impact a relationship and the people involved. Nothing is like having a beautiful and healthy relationship if you cannot communicate. Communication works in various ways, particularly for the individual doing it. This simply means the individual has their way of communication, either by words or actions. We all communicate expressively through our facial expressions, gestures, body language, behavior, tone of voice, actions, etcetera. These words and actions also have a foundation, the thought or feeling that would prompt the words or actions that are later projected. For relationships, there is also an intention behind communication, and one of the best things is consciously learning more about one another. This establishes a connection and builds a bond, trust, openness, honesty, and understanding of persons, emotions, and goals. Communication works in two ways: like that of a telephone, there is a sender and a receiver. Couples can switch these roles for the connection they have and desire to build. Communication in Relationships is not always perfect or smooth. Sometimes there have to be disagreements to come to an understanding and resolve issues between one another. Therefore, for a progressive and long-lasting relationship, couples should learn to consciously communicate with one another, regardless of how difficult the situation may be. Signs of Poor Communication in Relationships: Stonewalling or Silent Treatment Passive Aggression Disregarding effort: avoiding or refusing to have a conversation or connection Unnecessary and unresolved Arguments Sarcasm Blaming one another or accusations Mocking or criticizing one another Defensiveness Holding grudges Bringing up the past Impatience in having a conversation or connection Tips to Improve Communication in Relationships Deep down, people want to improve their communication with their partner, despite what may have caused a rift or awkwardness in the relationship. So here are a few healthy tips to try: Understand your communication and attachment style Calmly process your Emotions Make an effort; do not hesitate Learn to be observant; acknowledge your partner’s feelings too Listen more; do not dominate in the conversation Ask questions, find out what is different and how you can improve too Be honest about your feelings Come to a compromise; set new goals Be more thoughtful; check on each other, and be sweet and caring Set reasonable and agreeable boundaries Conclusion Giving up on a core foundation for a healthy and successful relationship with your partner is not advisable. Making the most effort to grow would produce positive results. If you could start making use of the tips above, it would most likely prompt your partner to respond positively. Still unsure about the possibility of a healthy relationship with your partner? Contact and visit the Intimacy Clinic today. References: Earnshaw, Elizabeth. 2020. How Lack Of Communication Can Sneakily Ruin Relationships & How To Fix It. https://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-14106/5-communication-mistakes-that-kill-relationships.html. Mind Body Green. Lamothe, Cindy. 2019. Talk It Out: Communication 101 for Couples. https://www.healthline.com/health/lack-of-communication#takeaway. Healthline Media.

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AFRICAN APHRODISIACS (KAYANMATA) SCIENCE OR MYTH?

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Introduction The concept of sex and sexuality has some form of sacredness that accompanies it across different human societies including Africa and as such, when some principles guiding it are violated, such violations are referred to as taboos (Okechi, 2018). However, many of these beliefs and practices some of which are superstitious have been eroded by globalization consequently changing the narrative when it comes to discussions centered on sex and sexual relationships (Okechi, 2018). The concept of sex and sexual relationships is one that is multifaceted and one aspect that has received so much attention over the years is sexual performance and dysfunction (Hock, 2012). Sexual dysfunction is an inability to perform regular sexual intercourse and this includes premature ejaculation, retrograded, delayed or impaired ejaculation, erectile dysfunction, arousal disorders (reduced libido), compulsive sexual activity, orgasmic disorder, and tumescence failure (Kotta, Ansari and Ali, 2013). Sexual problems are usually divided into four categories which include: problems with desire, arousal, orgasm, and pain (Hock, 2012). These problems have given rise to various types of treatment from scientific and medically proven ones to those that are not. The first drug that was pharmacologically approved for the treatment of sexual dysfunction is sildenafil popularly referred to as “Viagra” (Kotta, Ansari, and Ali, 2013). The introduction of this treatment drug gave way to many others and also, natural remedies and since then there has been no looking back when it comes to the search for treatments which includes aphrodisiacs. Aphrodisiacs according to Britannica are various forms of stimulation, thought to arouse sexual excitement. Lehmiller, (2017) describe them as substances that boost sexual desire, sexual pleasure, or behavior and they include a variety of spices, foods, synthetic chemicals, and plants. They may be classified into two major groups: (i) psychophysiological and (ii) internal (love potions, medical preparations, drugs, etc.). For example, Aphrodisiacs containing hallucinogenic properties such as buffo toad have psychological effects on a person which may increase sexual desire and pleasure (Melnyk and Marcone, 2011). Also, aphrodisiacs containing smooth relaxing muscle properties such as yohimbine have physiological effects on a person that can affect hormone levels and improve blood flow. However, there are many other substances that people use as aphrodisiacs today all over the world and in Africa where they are often referred to as “Kayamata” (this literally means woman’s property). Many of these substances are not scientifically tested or proven while some are. This article intends to shed light on whether these aphrodisiacs with a special focus on Africa have scientific backings or are just based on mythology. Brief History of Aphrodisiacs According to the Online Etymology Dictionary, the term aphrodisiac stems from the Greek word aphrodisiakon which means “sexual aphrodisiac” from the term aphrodisios which pertains to Aphrodite, the Greek goddess of love. The aphrodisiac history is usually based on herbs, plants, and spices. The first evidence of aphrodisiac use comes from the medicinal papyri in Egypt between 2200 and 1700 BC. Earliest attempts to cure erectile dysfunction with tested drugs date back to the 9th-16th century in the Islamic world (Bentil, 2014). Issues of sexual dysfunction necessitate the use of aphrodisiacs. Sexual dysfunction is a serious medical and social symptom in 10-52 percent of males and 25-63 percent of females. Across all continents and cultures of the world, everyone has their own fair share of well-known aphrodisiacs with Cola accuminata (Kolanut), Bulbine natalensis (Baker), Aframomum melegueta (Grains of Paradise), Mondia whiteii (Hook) and many others are being used as aphrodisiacs in Africa. African Aphrodisiacs (Kayanmata) The term Kayanmata originates from northern Nigeria and it literally means “women things”. However, this term has been popularized by its usage in describing herbs or potions that are used to enhance sexual performance and love (Adebowale, 2018). The kayan mata herbs are made up of different components ranging from sweetener powders, zuman mata / maza, sweets, gold fly / sex drops, lubricants etc. and they come in different forms like perfumes, food, tablets and other forms as the situation demands. According to Otorkpa 2019, they can be grouped into three categories which includes: (i) kayanmata for vagina upgrade used for “improving” vagina quality e.g. Madura, Goron tula, Simi, Sugar Lumps, Madura, Tauraren wuta etc. (ii) kanyamata for faithfulness and libido-boosting which are used for improving stamina for sex and sexual drive, keeping one’s partner. It is used for making a sexual partner come back for more. E.g. Gindin ayu which is produced from a fish called Ayu. (iii) kayanmata for favor and attraction potions which is maybe the most contentious of all the earlier mentioned types as it involves voodoo and spiritual manipulation using potions and sex oil, of one’s sexual partner. E.g. kayanmata beads, command oil, and attraction oil among many others. While the issues of sex and sexuality still seem to be something scary and taboo to speak about, many people patronize individuals and stores that sell kayanmata. For example, sex and anything to do with it is taboo in the highly conservative, and overwhelmingly Muslim north of Nigeria. Islamic scholars prohibit the use of the so-called aphrodisiacs, which they consider an immoral way of increasing sexual gratification. And yet the little market stalls that store them are frequented by both men and women (Zaharaddeen, 2019). This can be said to be the case in many other parts of Nigeria and Africa at large, where there are a lot of aphrodisiac stores and sellers all around. It is therefore important to know if these substances have any scientific/medical backing or if they are just figments of people’s imaginations i.e. just myths. Science or Myth? There are many substances people use as aphrodisiacs in Africa that either has little or insufficient backing or no scientific backing at all. This is not to say that some of these aphrodisiacs (Kayanmata) especially those that belong to the first two sections mentioned earlier have not been researched. Different studies (Ajao, Sibiya, and Moteetee, 2019; Oketch-Rabah, 2012) have been conducted to ascertain the aphrodisiac properties of some of

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FACTS ABOUT RAPE & SEXUAL ASSAULT

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WHO IS A RAPIST? A rapist is someone who sexually assaults another in an act that usually involves sexual intercourse or other forms of sexual penetration carried out against the person’s will or without that person’s consent. Rape is penetration, no matter how slight, of the vagina or anus with any body part or object, or oral penetration by a sex organ of another person, without the consent of the victim.” FACTS ABOUT RAPE Even though rape is not a gender-based issue, the fact remains that more women/girls are being affected. Rapists often see women as sex objects who are there to fulfill men’s sexual needs. Motives behind rape vary and are difficult to quantify. However, studies show that rapists have some common characteristics: Narcissism Lack of empathy Feelings of hostility towards women TYPES OF RAPISTS The opportunistic rapist – Rapists who seize any chance for sexual gratification, such as the loss of self-control on the part of their victim under the influence of alcohol. The sadistic rapist – Rapists whose motivation is to humiliate and degrade victims. The vindictive rapist – Rapists who have anger and aggression focused directly toward women. Such a rapist believes he is permitted to sexually attack women because he feels he has been hurt, rejected, or wronged by women in the past. SEXUAL ABUSE The main difference between sexual assault and sexual abuse is that sexual assault occurs to adults and sexual abuse occurs to minors or children. Typically, sexual abuse describes behavior committed toward a minor child. Children cannot consent to any type of sexual contact. ACTS OF SEXUAL ABUSE Exposing Oneself to a Minor Sexual Contact, Including Fondling and Intercourse Obscene Messaging Sex Trafficking: 50 percent of human trafficking victims are children, and the majority end up forced into the sex trade Pornography RED FLAGS FOR SEXUAL ABUSE Withdrawal from friends and usual activities Inappropriate sexual behaviors on the part of the child Sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) or signs of genital trauma Unexpected knowledge of sexual behaviors inappropriate given the child’s age Reluctance to spend time with a specific individual Regression in behavior – Reluctance to remove clothing HOW TO IDENTIFY POTENTIAL SEXUAL ABUSERS An adult who tends to want to spend excessive time with children, beyond their role in that child’s life. An adult who does not respect a child’s privacy or cues. An adult who spends more time with children and teenagers than their own adult friends. An adult who regularly discusses sexual behavior or feelings with children and teens. Frequently has “special friends” of a certain age range or appearance, which may change from year to year. An adult may become closer to specific children than seems appropriate or necessary, including taking that child for special trips or spending excessive time alone with that child. SEXUAL ASSAULT Sexual assault can describe a range of criminal acts that are sexual in nature, from unwanted touching and kissing to rubbing, groping or forcing the victim to touch the perpetrator in sexual ways. But sexual assault overlaps with rape because the term includes rape. assault describes a wide range of unwanted criminal sexual acts. Direct penetration, including oral, genital, and rectal penetration, all constitute rape. Rape includes any degree of penetration, including minor or slight penetration, committed as a deliberate act without the consent of the victim. As mentioned earlier, in cases involving sexual assault vs sexual abuse, sexual assault typically involves an adult victim. Sexual assault often occurs as a one-time event and includes any sexual contact not invited or wanted by the victim. Most often, when defining sexual assault, people think of rape; however, rape does not represent the only type of sexual assault. Sexual assault may also include: Forced Sexual Contact Unwanted Fondling or Touching Rape What should survivors do? Seek medical care Report to the authorities NGOs & Govt agencies FACTS Seek professional Counseling or Therapy

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FEMALE GENITAL MUTILATION IN NIGERIA

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Unfortunately, according to New York Times, 2 million additional cases of Female Genital Mutilation may occur over the next decade as a result of Covid 19. COVID-19 has shuttered schools and thereby disrupting programs that help protect girls from this harmful practice. FGM is widely practiced in Nigeria, and with its large population, Nigeria has the highest absolute number of cases of FGM in the world, accounting for about one-quarter of the estimated 115–130 million circumcised women worldwide. In Nigeria, FGM has the highest prevalence in the south-south (77%) (among adult women), followed by the southeast (68%) and southwest (65%), but practiced on a smaller scale in the north, paradoxically tending to in a more extreme form. Nigeria has a population of 150 million people with the women population forming 52%. The national prevalence rate of FGM is 41% among adult women. Prevalence rates progressively decline in the young age groups and 37% of circumcised women do not want FGM to continue. 61% of women who do not want FGM said it was a bad harmful tradition and 22% said it was against religion. Other reasons cited were medical complications (22%), painful personal experience (10%), and the view that FGM is against the dignity of women (10%). However, there is still considerable support for the practice in areas where it is deeply rooted in local tradition. I did a recent poll on FGM on social media, from people’s responses, it is obvious that Female Genital Mutilation is still going on in Africa and of course in Nigeria, even though The mental health, as well as the physical implications, are huge and devastating. If there are a lot of people advocating for this and creating awareness, this act will help people have a different mindset. In Nigeria, after nearly 13 years of trying to make a law against FGM, it was during the governance of Goodluck Ebele Jonathan, that this act was passed into law in May 2015. It was a milestone in the talk against FGM, as it signified governmental backing against a practice that held sway in Nigeria. Violence Against Persons Prohibition Act (VAPP) 2015, the anti-FGM law, was endorsed by the Nigerian Senate in May 2015. Unfortunately, to date, no one has been convicted despite the prevalence in Nigeria. This should scare everyone. Why are these people doing this in secret? And when caught, why are they not convicted? Why is no one coming out to report this case? According to the law, “a person who performs female circumcision or genital mutilation or engages another to carry out such circumcision or mutilation commits an offense and is liable on conviction to a term of imprisonment not exceeding 4 years or to a fine not exceeding N200,000 or both.” According to Rachel Arowolo, whose parents are firm believers in FGM, it is simply hard to condemn or report family members who are usually the culprits of female genital mutilations. For FGM, as with many other gender-based crimes, it stays in the family. “It will be difficult for one to take anyone to court because of how closely knitted our society is. We must do more in terms of bringing about behavior change” Why FGM should stop FGM has no known medical benefits to women and girls. In fact, according to the UNFPA, the attendant consequence of FGM are dire. “Complications include severe pain, shock, hemorrhage, tetanus or infection, urine retention, ulceration of the genital region and injury to adjacent tissue, wound infection, urinary infection, fever, and septicemia. Hemorrhage and infection can be severe enough to cause death,” UNFPA says. “Long-term consequences include complications during childbirth, anemia, the formation of cysts and abscesses, keloid scar formation, damage to the urethra resulting in urinary incontinence, dyspareunia (painful sexual intercourse), sexual dysfunction, hypersensitivity of the genital area, and increased risk of HIV transmission, as well as psychological effects,” the organization continued.!

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SOLVING THE PUZZLE OF ORGASM

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I get various questions on the topic, of orgasm. People have so many unanswered questions on their heads about the term orgasm, especially in this part of the world, where there is a very high level of ignorance. Some people have never heard of it, some heard and don’t really understand what it means and so many have never experienced it. In fact, some men argued that women are not meant to enjoy sex, sex is meant for procreation they say. I remember someone posted during a debate on my Facebook page that our grandmothers never experienced an orgasm and they only made love to make their husbands happy, he also believed that the desire to be sexually satisfied is the reason why women are misbehaving these days, he cannot be farther from the truth but that is Africa mentality for you. From experience as a sex therapist and marriage counselor, I won’t be exaggerating if I say 4 out of 5 marriages in Nigeria are having sexual issues, and because men’s sexuality is attached to their ego, coupled with the cultural and religious values here, which assigned a gender role of superhuman to the male folks. Even though the sexual relationship with one’s spouse should not be orgasm-based, It is the right of every woman to experience orgasm and besides one can only achieve a true level of physical and emotional sexual satisfaction through the experience called orgasm. Even though it is possible for men not to ejaculate/reach orgasm, it is more of a woman’s problem, men worry more about quality than quantity. Delayed ejaculation is a condition in which a man could sustain a prolonged erection without being able to ejaculate, this could be due to: Addiction to porn Addiction to masturbation Reaction to certain drugs Over-dependence on alcohol infection or certain health condition Psychological or relationship issues. For the benefit of this topic, I will be talking more about female orgasms. WHAT IS ORGASM? The word orgasm comes from the Greek word orga, meaning to explode with pleasure. It’s the climax of sexual pleasure, arriving suddenly after stimulation, and lasting just a few seconds. Research shows that orgasm is the most intense form of pleasure that human beings can experience, wow! The sensual rush is followed by a period of relaxation, satisfaction, and calm. Sounds interesting right? Follow me, let’s solve the puzzle….. WHAT HAPPENED WHEN ONE ACHIEVED ORGASM? MEN: When men ‘come’ or Orgasm, they ejaculate and their pelvic muscles contract. WOMEN: When women orgasm the clitoris retracts, the vagina, pelvic floor muscles, and uterus also contract in short bursts. A few women also secrete a whitish liquid during orgasm. This is known as ‘squirting,’ or female ejaculation. There is a possibility of feeling like you want to urinate during orgasm, never mistaken peeing with squirting. COUPLES: both partners’ heart rate will increase and blood vessels will dilate. Physical pleasure leads to the release of endorphins that create feelings of relaxation and contentment. Research shows that the hormone called oxytocin is released in large quantities during orgasm, this hormone is believed to promote bonding and hence monogamy in marriage. In a layman’s language, orgasm is an unexplainable experience, I usually say it’s a moment of insanity when you get to the point of no return. Almost everyone who has ever had an orgasm knows how a man feels, when he wants to ejaculate, the truth is that a woman should feel the same way when she reaches orgasm as well. POSSIBLE REASONS FOR NO ORGASM Clueless about how to make love Environmental distraction Unresolved domestic issues Lack of emotional connectivity Hormonal issues Lost of interest Unresolved financial issues Cultural or religious background HOW DOES ONE REACH ORGASM? There are two ways through which one [both men and women] can achieve orgasm. 1. Foreplay: This is the sexual activity that precedes lovemaking; it includes gazing, touching, kissing, necking, pecking, undressing each other, licking, etc. The extent and level one can go during foreplay depends on individual moral and religious belief, but what matters here is mutual respect and understanding with the desire to satisfy and make each other happy. Note that you should not be compelled to do what you are not comfortable with, and in as much as it’s not against the will of God, satisfying your partner is paramount. 2. Penetration: is principally the insertion and thrusting of a male’s penis, usually when erect, into a female’s vagina for the purposes of sexual pleasure or reproduction. Research shows that only about 20-25% of women will achieve orgasm through penetration and this most time depends on sex positions, so there’s a need to understand what position suits you best and if you have been trying to achieve orgasm through penetration without result, you are not alone. VAGINA ORGASM AND CLITORAL ORGASM Even though descent research has found that there are other erogenous spots located inside the vagina of a woman, i shall be concentrating on the well-known vagina orgasm and clitoral orgasm. 1. Vagina orgasm is also known as G-spot orgasm can be achieved by the penis touching the G-spot inside the vagina, the g-spot is located at the roof of the vagina about 2 inches inside of the vagina. Easier to locate with the finger and could only be touched by the penis in certain sex positions. G-Spot orgasm is explosive and more intense than vagina orgasm. It formed a spongy look when aroused. 2. Clitoral stimulation: The clitoris is a small, sensitive organ located at the top of the vulva, just above the urethra and the vaginal opening. It’s the easiest way to achieve orgasm for those who understand how to handle the clitoris.(I shall be talking about the amazing facts about the clitoris next week). HOW DOES ONE ACHIEVE ORGASM? It is common knowledge that women are a lot less familiar with orgasm; this is due

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MYTHS ABOUT SEX

HOW TO HAVE YOUR FIRST PENETRATIVE SEX

WHY WOMEN FAKE ORGASM

NAVIGATING CONFLICT RESOLUTION IN MARRIAGE

Why Should You See A Sex Therapist?

Communication in Relationships

AFRICAN APHRODISIACS (KAYANMATA) SCIENCE OR MYTH?

FACTS ABOUT RAPE & SEXUAL ASSAULT

FEMALE GENITAL MUTILATION IN NIGERIA

SOLVING THE PUZZLE OF ORGASM

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