POSSIBLE REASONS YOU COULD BE STRUGGLING WITH MONOGAMY

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-June 16, 2021
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It is always said that men are polygamous in nature, a myth that most people have come to believe and adapted as their reality. According to research, there are more than fifty (50) different types of non-monogamous relationships being practiced, a situation where people could choose to be in a relationship with more than one partner. Such as being in a financial relationship with one partner, in an emotional relationship with another, and in a sexual relationship with another. Whereas there are set boundaries, all partners involved are aware and have an understanding of what they are getting into.

The point here is that it’s okay if you don’t want to be in a monogamous relationship, but if you want to be there, then there’s a need to be sure of what you are going into and be ready to stick it out. Unfortunately, this is not our reality; people go into monogamous relationships believing that it is impossible to be monogamous, which sounds like deceit, and the reason I think the majority struggle with being in one partner. A lot of people are frustrated and stuck in a bad relationship in the name of being monogamous. Maybe if we understand monogamy better, it will help us to do better. Here are some possible reasons you could be struggling with monogamy?

Wrong conditioning in parenting style: A situation where children are trained that the yardstick for success is only attached to marriage. For instance, in the African setu,p especially for women. Where she’s seen as a failure when unmarried, even if she is successful in other areas of her life. This culture makes unmarried females feel unsuccessful if they are unmarried. Even the men are termed failures and irresponsible when not married or have a woman in their lives. With this conditioning, people go into monogamy trying to please people, trying to follow the set rules and standards, a mindset that could lead to struggling to keep up with the demands of what they are not ready or prepared for.
Normalizing jealousy as the indicator of love: We tend to make it look as if the moment we enter monogamy, we own the other person, such that we have to dictate where, when, or how the person moves or functions. When excessive jealousy is normalized, then the people begin to struggle as a result of not being allowed to be themselves. In most cases, to avoid confrontations or altercations with other people, people tend to lose their personality, for example, keeping up to avoid confrontations between partners and maybe a co-worker, a salesperson, a friend, etc. This will result in unfulfillment, and tension could set in.
Thinking it is impossible to get attracted to anyone else because you are intensely in love: People put pressure on monogamy, and therefore struggle through it because they consider it impossible to get attracted to another person just because they are already in love with someone. A man could have an erection after seeing a beautiful lady, even when he’s in love and in a monogamous relationship with his partner, but it does not mean he needs to act on it. Blaming oneself for feelings of being attracted to another is an unnecessary expectations that mount pressures on monogamy, as a human, you can get attracted to another. It is okay to be in a relationship or marriage and still be attracted to another person; you do not have to act on the attraction.
Expecting one person to meet all your needs: Be it spiritual, emotional, sexual, personal, or the need for intimacy, expecting only one person to meet all your needs will only lead to exhaustion and thereby struggles. It is okay to have friends who could be of the same sex or opposite sex, depending on what you can handle, as long as you know when and where to draw the boundaries. Human beings are social beings in the first place, and therefore need other people to function optimally. There’s a need to relate to others and make friends. Free yourself; marriage is not bondage. We have misunderstood monogamy to the extent that people mount unnecessary pressures on their relationship by taking too much from just one person, leading to struggle and frustration. Monogamy is not the problem, but the unreasonable expectations.
Believing that it is impossible to cheat: Some believe that because you are in a monogamous relationship, you cannot cheat. Thereby setting unnecessary standards. As much as there’s no excuse for cheating in a committed relationship, believing that you are automatically immune to cheating is unreasonable.
Not having a life: This is very similar to point number four above; not having a life outside one’s monogamous relationship can put a strain on the relationship. There’s a need to have dreams, aspirations, ambitions, there’sa need to define your individuality in a couple relationship, most people fail to do this, thereby demanding too much. Even if one chooses to be a stay-at-home mum/dad, there’s still a need to have a life purpose outside marriage. Overrating marriage as a lifetime medal could lead to a struggle in a monogamous relationship.
Believing that your value is the value your partner places on you: Not being able to determine individual values could cause inner conflicts for someone in a monogamous relationship. No single individual is value-neutral; there’s a need to understand that the parties in a monogamous relationship are individuals from different backgrounds. You cannot afford to ascribe to yourself only the value ascribed by your partner. Find yourself. Who are you? Only then can you find stability in your monogamous relationship.
Believing that love is all that matters: Love matters, but it’s not all that matters. Going into a monogamous relationship just because you are in love will lead to struggles. There’s a need for compatibility in other areas of your lives. Do you have common goals, enjoy common recreations, etc.? Coming up with statements like, “if our love is strong, it is going to help our incompatibility”, might lead to disappointment. Overlooking all the incompatibility in the name of love will lead you to struggles.
Over-spiritualizing Marriage: Monogamy is meant to be a lifelong relationship till death do you part. How does one go into such a commitment, all in the name of “the pastor said so”? As much as there’s the place for spirituals for those who believe in spiritual compatibility, neglecting all other red flags in the name of being spiritual can lead to frustration when realities are dating on the parties involved. One of the major solutions to this issue is professional premarital counseling before the wedding.
Believing that it is the duty of your partner to deal with your insecurities: your monogamy will suffer if you are insecure. Insecurity brings unnecessary suspicion into the relationship, affecting the parties involved and causing strain and disdain.

Expecting your partner to be just like your parent: Trying to search for your childhood or lost love in your partner is a no-no in a monogamous relationship. Expecting your wife to be like your great-grandmother or vice versa is asking for the impossible.

In conclusion, monogamy is not the problem, nor is there any research to say that one cannot stick to a partner for a lifetime; the unreasonable expectations and ignorance around monogamy are the reasons why people struggle. Do you need help in your monogamous relationship? CLICK HERE to get professional help. At the end of the day, monogamy is safer and saner. Relax and be calm. The reason you said you are polygamous in nature is that you are practicing the monogamous relationship in the wrong way. Finally, allow your partner to have a life, and you will see your monogamous relationship smooth and stress-free.