WHY WOMEN FAKE ORGASM

In a 2019 study published in Archives of Sexual Behavior, researchers found that nearly 60% of women have faked an orgasm. Other studies suggest that around 25% of men have faked orgasms.

According to the research, 42% of those women who kept silent did not want to hurt their partner’s feelings. Around 80% of the participants kept their fake orgasms a secret because they were embarrassed or because they were not comfortable discussing the details of the sexual encounter with their partner.

according to a 2017 study from The Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy, Up to 50% of women are unsatisfied with how often they orgasm, and Around 80% of women struggle to orgasm from vaginal sex alone. In the study, 37% of the women surveyed could not orgasm without clitoral stimulation. However, in a 2019 YouGov survey, 31% of male participants could not identify the clitoris on an anatomy chart.

The statistics above are an indication that faking orgasm is not a new phenomenon and there are so many factors that could be responsible for it. It’s an issue that has been affecting couples from time immemorial and the possibility of it going away soon is not high.

Most of the surveys above were carried out in developed countries, the fact remains that the situation is far worse than stated in these statistics in developing countries where patriarchy and misogyny are still the other of the day.

Even though things are changing in the new generation, most African women still make love(not even sure they make love), or better still, have sex for their partners.

Imagine being married to a man with two, four, or up to ten wives, when he has the opportunity to have sex with you, the main thing on your mind will be to feel the warmth of your husband and not necessarily about how to have an orgasm. This is a discussion we are not ready for in this part of the world as culture and religion consistently deny women the opportunities to be expressive in this crucial aspect of life thereby leaving the men to keep struggling to figure them out. 

Here are some of the reasons women might be faking orgasm:

1. lack of self-understanding: Most women do not know what their vulva looks like not to talk of understanding what is happening down there. The majority shy away from having conversations around sex and therefore have little or no information about the subject leaving the men to keep struggling to figure them out. The point is, if as a woman you do not know what works for you, how do you expect a man to figure it out? So due to a lack of information about what works for them, most women will rather resort to fate than trying to figure it out.
2. Orgasmic Difficulty: Resulting into a state of learned helplessness is inevitable if after trying severally, one is not able to achieve the expected pleasure in this case. If a woman struggles with achieving orgasm over time, she may be frustrated and just accept that it’s impossible to get it. There are lots of factors that might result in orgasmic difficulty, and this frustration over time could lead to women faking it rather than keep trying and getting disappointed.
3. To rub the man’s ego: Especially in Africa where women have sex not necessarily for themselves but for the man, and where a lot of men grapple with toxic masculinity that compels them to always appear in charge and unfailing, being able to open up on the orgasmic status might be a daunting task for the women. A lot of men are struggling with erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation due to toxic masculinity which makes negative feedback about their sexual performance result in performance anxiety, no matter how subtle the woman puts it. Women understanding this fact are careful in expressing themselves thereby resulting in faking orgasm just to make the man feel good. 
4. To get it done quickly: What you do not enjoy, you do not miss, having sex for a lot of women is like a chore, therefore the patience and commitment to get to the peak is nonexistent for them. So the man can hasten up his act and cum quickly, most women will take orgasm as it’s more like punishment rather than pleasure for them.
5. Lack of Vulnerability: Most women struggled with letting down their guards and thereby denying themselves the benefits of experiencing a mind-blowing orgasm. The inability to talk dirty, flirt, and be open to new styles, props, and toys can lead to sexual mental block and thereby faking of orgasm. 
6. Because it is painful: Lack of lubrication, not enough foreplay, and sexual dysfunction like vaginismus can lead to painful intercourse making the woman want to quickly get it done with. When sex is painful for a woman, she will rather fake it than keep suffering in the name of trying to achieve orgasm
7. Because they aren’t enjoying it: in my close to two decades of practice as a couple and sex therapist, I have seen numerous clients in this situation where the women asked if it’s truly possible to enjoy sex with penetration. Most women cannot come unless they touch themselves or engage in dry humping. It is therefore necessary for them to fake it so the man can get done with us as what you do not enjoy you do not miss. 
8. Inability to communicate their needs: Some women have been conditioned that what works for a man is to appear inexperienced so the man won’t think worse of them, therefore communicating their sexual needs and fantasies is considered loose. So in the quest to be termed a good girl, a lot of women would rather not talk, and because the man is not a magician or mind reader, he might find it difficult to know what works for the woman leading to consistent dissatisfaction. So when a woman’s pleasure spots are not being stimulated, she will fake orgasm to get it done with. 
9. Frustration from an uncooperative or selfish partner: This is very common in a patriarchal society with a lot of men with toxic masculinity who make lovemaking all about them. When a woman is subtly or stylishly trying to pass a message a cross but the man is bent on doing what works for only him, the possibility that the woman will accept her fate is very high. I have seen couples who only engage in missionary style for twelve years of marriage as that’s the only style that enables him deep penetration, without putting his woman’s needs and satisfaction into consideration. 
10. Because they do not know what they are missing: What you do not know you do not miss. When a woman experiences an orgasm, I do not think she will ever want to fake it anymore. 

In conclusion, faking orgasm is a common scenario in which women engage to shortchange their pleasure due to frustration, ignorance, or faulty conditioning creating limiting beliefs that block pleasure. If you or anyone you know is having a hard time experiencing sexual pleasure to the fullness, book an appointment with our very professional and highly competent sex therapist HERE.

What do you think about women faking orgasms? Have you experienced this before and do you think men find it easy to detect this?