CHILDREN AND SEXUALITY
WHAT IS SEXUALITY
Sexuality is a person’s sexual orientation and preference. Underline the word ORIENTATION and PREFERENCE. In other world i can say that your orientation determines your preference.
Sexuality is beyond sex, sex is just a part of human sexuality. When you are trying to educate your children about this subject, concentrate on educating them on sexuality and not just sex, this is where most parents get it wrong. The fear of how do i discuss sex with a child is an issue, but if you start seeing this discussion at sexuality angle, it will help a great deal.
Human being are sexual beings, because our sexuality is reflected in the way we do virtually everything, the way we talk, the way we shake, the way we relate with the opposite sex, the way we sit, the way we dress etc.
Like I said before, sex is only a small part of who we are as sexual beings. Even people who are not having sex are sexual beings. And so there’s another word that you should know and use too. That word is sexuality. Here are some of the things that are included when we talk about sexuality:
1. Sexuality is much more than body parts and sex (though it includes these things, too).
2. Sexuality includes our gender identity (the core sense that we are female or male).
3. Sexuality includes gender role (the idea of how we should behave because we are a female or male).
4. Sexuality includes our sexual orientation (heterosexual, homosexual, or bisexual): This is where a lot of people makes mistake and believe God made a mistake by creating them the way they are. The truth is anything beyond male and female is not of God. God made man in His image, male and female created HE them. (Genesis 5:2)
5. Sexuality includes how we feel about our bodies. We call that “body image,” and poor body image can have a profound effect on our ability to have healthy relationships. A person with poor body image may not think they deserve a good partner, and so they may be willing to settle for someone who will not respect them or who may even abuse them.
6. Sexuality includes our sexual experiences, thoughts, ideas, and fantasies.
7. Sexuality includes the way in which the media, family, friends, religion, age, life goals, and our self-esteem shape our sexual selves.
8. Sexuality includes how we experience intimacy, touch, love, compassion, joy, and sorrow.
9. We like this quote: “Sexuality is expressed in the way we speak, smile, stand, sit, dress, dance, laugh, and cry.”
THE STAGES OF SEXUAL BEHAVIORS
There are 4 phases of childhood sexual development. These are normal and harmless sexual behaviors expected from children at each stage of their developmental level. Just like every other part of growing up, some children mature sooner or later than others, but this will serve as a kind of guide so that as soon as you start noticing some abnormalities you swing to action. So, don’t be too worried if your child doesn’t act exactly as you’d expect. Children with developmental delays may not stick to these age guides. If you’re worried about anything you should speak to a health professional about it.
STAGE 1: Infancy from 0 to 4 years
Even at this stage, sexual behavior is beginning to emerge through actions like:
kissing and hugging
showing curiosity about private body parts
talking about private body parts and using words like poo, willy and bum
playing “house” or “doctors and nurses” type games with other children
touching, rubbing or showing off their genitals as a comforting habit
STAGE 2: Young children from 5 to 9 years
As children get a little older they become more aware of the need for privacy while also:
kissing and hugging
showing curiosity about private body parts but respecting privacy
talking about private body parts and sometimes showing them off
trying to shock by using words like poo, willy and bum
using swear and sex words they’ve heard other people say
playing “house” or “doctors and nurses”-type games with other children
touching, rubbing or showing off genitals as a comforting habit
STAGE 3: Pre-adolescents from 10 to 12 years
In this phase, children are getting more curious about sex and sexual behavior through:
kissing, hugging and ‘dating’ other children
being interested in other people’s body parts and the changes that happen in puberty
asking about relationships and sexual behaviour
looking for sexual pictures, including on the internet
searching for information about sex online
touching, rubbing or showing off genitals in private
Dirty jokes
STAGE 4: Adolescents from 13 to 16 years
As puberty kicks in, sexual behaviour becomes more private with kissing, hugging, dating and forming longer-lasting relationships
Being interested in and asking questions about body parts, relationships and sexuality
Using sexual language and talking about sex with friends
Looking for sexual pictures, including on the internet
Searching for information about sex online
Touching, rubbing or showing off genitals in private and experimenting sexually with the same age group.
Dirty jokes
DANGER SIGNS
Sexualised behaviour which is significantly more advanced than you’d normally expect for a child of a particular age or which shows a lack of inhibition, could be a cause for concern. For example, a pre-school child who talks about sex acts or uses adult language or a 12 year old who touches or rubs his genitals in public. Other warning signs include:
sexual interest in adults or children of very different ages to their own
forceful or aggressive sexual behaviour
compulsive habits
reports from school that their behaviour is affecting their progress and achievement
If you have any worries at all, even if you’re not sure, then it’s important that you act as soon as you possibly can.
WHAT TO DO AS A PARENT
Learning about sex and sexual behavior is a normal part of a child’s development. It will help them as they grow up, and as they start to make decisions about relationships.
By knowing what’s ‘normal’ at each particular stage you can be ready for what to expect, even though it might seem a little uncomfortable at times!
The way you respond is important.
If you’re too disapproving or send the message that sex shouldn’t be spoken about then your children may be less likely to come to you with any questions or worries they might have.
Of course, this won’t be easy for everyone, especially if your children’s behavior seems shocking or morally wrong to you.
But try to keep calm. The way you react can affect how comfortable your child will feel about talking to you about these things in the future.Any sexualised behavior which doesn’t seem right for the child’s age should be addressed.
First, talk to your child about the way they’re behaving. It’ll give you the chance understand their feelings and work out how much they know about sex. It’s also a good chance to explain the differences between the things that are OK to do in public and what should be kept private.
Tell them that they can always talk to you about sex, and try to have ongoing conversations.
Look at what may have caused the behavior. Is there an older sibling or family member who may have been an influence? Have they been looking at unsuitable websites, music videos or computer games? If the problem seems to stem from online activity look into what blocks and parental controls you can put on computers, tablets and phones.
You could also talk to teachers about whether they’ve noticed anything at school and to a trusted friend or health professional to ask if they have any advice.
BE VIGILANT WHEN IT COMES TO PORN
28% of young people felt that pornography changed the way they thought about relationships. Parents need to take extra measure and be very vigilant when it comes to pornography issue. If not pornography can cause the following damage:
confusion about sexuality
Distress. Graphic images and scenes can be very disturbing to children. In 2014/15 ChildLine dealt with 1229 counseling sessions with young people who’d been exposed to online sexually explicit images/content. (NSPCC, 2015)
Influence on attitudes. Children who watch online porn can believe that it gives a true picture of sex and relationships.
